This is something my wife and I discuss regularly. I wouldn't say a lot, but it's an ongoing issue we wrestle with.
Part of it is that I think she and I have opposite problems. She really doesn't express anger with our child very much at all, and I tend to get overly angry at times. Both lead to their own significant problems.
Maybe to your second point, part of the dynamic that results is that there's something that needs to be corrected or diverted early on, mildly, and my wife doesn't do that, doesn't establish boundaries or express any anger, and then something escalates from our child. By the time it gets to that point, I feel the need to correct it, which has already gotten out of control, and then I don't know what to do and probably get more angry than I should.
I really don't believe that complete inexpression of anger is good. As the article points out, people do get angry, and everyone does things that make others angry sometimes. Children need to know that and understand that. And I see the consequences of this with my wife and child: even when I have nothing to do with the situation, and don't get angry and stay out of it completely, I see how frustrated and hurt my wife gets by adopting that approach, and the problems that causes.
I think the trick is — and this is where you're kind of threading the needle — is to communicate anger but in a way that's not hurtful or threatening. You want to model being angry but also constructively responding to that anger, like the article is saying, proportionate anger, and so forth.
Parenting is difficult because every child is different and no one is perfect. So advice you hear might not work at all with a particular child, and it's often easier to say than do consistently 100% of the time. On the other hand, I think children are their own beings, and can learn from your mistakes at times as well. I don't mean that dismissively, more as something to keep in mind when you're feeling hard on yourself as a parent.
Part of it is that I think she and I have opposite problems. She really doesn't express anger with our child very much at all, and I tend to get overly angry at times. Both lead to their own significant problems.
Maybe to your second point, part of the dynamic that results is that there's something that needs to be corrected or diverted early on, mildly, and my wife doesn't do that, doesn't establish boundaries or express any anger, and then something escalates from our child. By the time it gets to that point, I feel the need to correct it, which has already gotten out of control, and then I don't know what to do and probably get more angry than I should.
I really don't believe that complete inexpression of anger is good. As the article points out, people do get angry, and everyone does things that make others angry sometimes. Children need to know that and understand that. And I see the consequences of this with my wife and child: even when I have nothing to do with the situation, and don't get angry and stay out of it completely, I see how frustrated and hurt my wife gets by adopting that approach, and the problems that causes.
I think the trick is — and this is where you're kind of threading the needle — is to communicate anger but in a way that's not hurtful or threatening. You want to model being angry but also constructively responding to that anger, like the article is saying, proportionate anger, and so forth.
Parenting is difficult because every child is different and no one is perfect. So advice you hear might not work at all with a particular child, and it's often easier to say than do consistently 100% of the time. On the other hand, I think children are their own beings, and can learn from your mistakes at times as well. I don't mean that dismissively, more as something to keep in mind when you're feeling hard on yourself as a parent.