The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness(city-journal.org)
city-journal.org
The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness
https://www.city-journal.org/decline-of-family-loneliness-epidemic
1,183 comments
Whatever it is today, I fear the future will be much worse. The most devastating existential consequences of loneliness can take decades to manifest. You feel a little lonely in your day to day life now, but wake up twenty years from now and realize you're socially isolated with no meaningful relationships or community and it's "too late" to make up the lost time. Most dangerous of all may be that online social networks provide participants with the feeling of deep social and community engagement that turns out to be a surface-level mirage beneath which we were just each staring at ourselves in the mirror the entire time.
Man, the older I get the more I realize that life is always a balancing act. I immigrated from a 3rd world country (probably a 2nd world now) 20 years ago with my parents. Both of my parents were engineers and both were paid about once a year by their employer because nobody had any money. So we were broke and poor my entire childhood. And yet we always had friends visiting us. There were always celebrations. Seemed like we managed to get by and stay happy despite the circumstances. Rewind a couple decades later and I barely see my parents living. Both come home exhausted from work. I spent most days stuck in the office and then toil away working on my own projects and ideas. And that's it. We have everything we ever wanted and absolutely no happiness. I recently came back from a trip to my home country and I see neighbors talking to each other and inviting each other for dinners and celebrations. People are eager to help each other out. You can strike up a conversation with a total stranger at a bus station and it doesn't feel weird and awkward. I was looking at all of this and thinking if i'd give up everything i have now to simply enjoy humanity for a change. You can't have everything in this world.
My mother, dad, aunts, etc. all immigrated to the US in a period of about 5 years. They all settled in Brooklyn and a few even lived in the same apartment complex. Growing up the extended family was HUGE and someone new was over every Sunday.
The next generation has become geographically spread out, I moved to the West Coast, a few of my cousins are in college out of state.. about half of this generation is likely to build their family outside of the NYC metro area, my children's generation is likely to split off from wherever I settle as well.
This is an unfortunate cost of the "American dream", my parents, aunts and uncles didn't have great paying jobs but they were close to family.. for the cost of a higher salary many of us make decisions that make communication with those we love difficult. Yesterday was my brother's 30th birthday but because of the time difference and work schedules we did not speak on the phone, only through text.
The next generation has become geographically spread out, I moved to the West Coast, a few of my cousins are in college out of state.. about half of this generation is likely to build their family outside of the NYC metro area, my children's generation is likely to split off from wherever I settle as well.
This is an unfortunate cost of the "American dream", my parents, aunts and uncles didn't have great paying jobs but they were close to family.. for the cost of a higher salary many of us make decisions that make communication with those we love difficult. Yesterday was my brother's 30th birthday but because of the time difference and work schedules we did not speak on the phone, only through text.
I have been lucky enough to be able to work and live in several countries around the world. One thing in common I noticed in all these places is that guys and girls don't have time and don't want to commit to a stable long relation. They invest pretty much themselves and their time in their career, traveling , parties, dogs, cats and bitcoins :) !
The mantra is to get rich and retire at 40 years old! Travel the world and have fun.
By the time they are somewhat satisfied with theirs status they have reached ~35 years old. At that point is more difficult to find a person and accept to share your life and habits with them.
They are so used to live their own lives that they have extremely hard time compromising any part of it.
I think the society has (wrongly) evolved towards an individualist model at the expenses of families.
I have noticed that people have been more and more intolerant to family flying with kids. It is hard to find kids friendly restaurants, hotels and resorts. People invite you to parties and kids are always not welcome. Not to mention also the additional cost associated with having a family.
But you know what ? I am so happy every day when I come home and my kids run towards me and we play and have fun. I and my wife coudln't be happier!
A piece of advice, stop running, take time off and think about your life beyond work and money. Traveling is fun but is way more fun and interesting when you can share it with some one you care about, like your family!
The mantra is to get rich and retire at 40 years old! Travel the world and have fun.
By the time they are somewhat satisfied with theirs status they have reached ~35 years old. At that point is more difficult to find a person and accept to share your life and habits with them.
They are so used to live their own lives that they have extremely hard time compromising any part of it.
I think the society has (wrongly) evolved towards an individualist model at the expenses of families.
I have noticed that people have been more and more intolerant to family flying with kids. It is hard to find kids friendly restaurants, hotels and resorts. People invite you to parties and kids are always not welcome. Not to mention also the additional cost associated with having a family.
But you know what ? I am so happy every day when I come home and my kids run towards me and we play and have fun. I and my wife coudln't be happier!
A piece of advice, stop running, take time off and think about your life beyond work and money. Traveling is fun but is way more fun and interesting when you can share it with some one you care about, like your family!
The article is long and I skimmed a bit.
It appears to be one of these pieces that just covers so many topics and issues, I'm not sure which ones correlate to loneliness and which ones don't.
I'll tell you one thing, and this is a personal belief: the modern way of making a living and the modern relationship to my family is far preferable to me than "the old way."
For most of human history we've had to stick with our families and build a large set of children in order to perform labor and work around high mortality rates. Usually we were all subsistence farmers or perhaps running a family business.
In no way to I prefer that lifestyle to that of modern life. Old style families tie everyone into the extended family. For better or worse you're stuck with your blood relatives and you must continue the family farm, family business, or whatever it is. Your fate is determined from the day you are born, and you must stick with these people no matter how toxic they are.
Yes, it's possible to be lonely thanks to overwork, distance (physical or emotional) from family, or a number of other factors that have some kind of connection to modern life.
But also, I most definitely don't want to live with my parents, or with my children forever. I want them to have the luxury of living around whoever they choose, not who they're born into having a relationship with.
In the past, a lot of these choices were made for us because that's what our community and family expected from us. I would not trade that aspect of familial social pressure, lack of freedom, and predetermined expectations for some (rectifiable) modern day loneliness.
It appears to be one of these pieces that just covers so many topics and issues, I'm not sure which ones correlate to loneliness and which ones don't.
I'll tell you one thing, and this is a personal belief: the modern way of making a living and the modern relationship to my family is far preferable to me than "the old way."
For most of human history we've had to stick with our families and build a large set of children in order to perform labor and work around high mortality rates. Usually we were all subsistence farmers or perhaps running a family business.
In no way to I prefer that lifestyle to that of modern life. Old style families tie everyone into the extended family. For better or worse you're stuck with your blood relatives and you must continue the family farm, family business, or whatever it is. Your fate is determined from the day you are born, and you must stick with these people no matter how toxic they are.
Yes, it's possible to be lonely thanks to overwork, distance (physical or emotional) from family, or a number of other factors that have some kind of connection to modern life.
But also, I most definitely don't want to live with my parents, or with my children forever. I want them to have the luxury of living around whoever they choose, not who they're born into having a relationship with.
In the past, a lot of these choices were made for us because that's what our community and family expected from us. I would not trade that aspect of familial social pressure, lack of freedom, and predetermined expectations for some (rectifiable) modern day loneliness.
I think is just another example where we got a short term benefit from breaking societal norms but may suffer long term. Strong family bonds can be very confining so it's often liberating to weaken them. But then you also lose that support system which has big cost long term.
I think the job market has similar trends. It used to be that jobs were more stable and you had a direct path to retirement. But this was also restricting for young people. Now we have the opposite. Young people are the stars of the job market, job hopping is the only way to get ahead and the people who aren't millionaires by age of 50 are looking into a very insecure future.
I think the job market has similar trends. It used to be that jobs were more stable and you had a direct path to retirement. But this was also restricting for young people. Now we have the opposite. Young people are the stars of the job market, job hopping is the only way to get ahead and the people who aren't millionaires by age of 50 are looking into a very insecure future.
Actually one of the things my wife and I often discuss is how with our current society even what we consider our "nuclear family" is at most just a part time family.
For most of humanity a family group stayed together for the majority of each day. Children played with siblings, cousins and were usually within earshot of one of their parents or relatives. Certainly they would have found their way back when hungry. As they got older, they worked right beside their parents on the various chores and tasks.
In modern western society, the spouses are separated for the majority of their waking hours. (Even if one spouse chose to stay at home, the issue would still remain as the other spouse would have to go to work). The children spend either a significant or a major portion of their time in day care or school, also separated from their siblings. Then throw in the after school activities, projects and homework needed to create a modern "well rounded" child. (Don't even get me started on how un-affordable it is to have kids)
They do get to have a rushed breakfast together and hopefully a good dinner as well, but that is about it. A significant portion of the weekend is spent doing chores. Add in the American working culture of taking very few vacation days.
The decline of the family is because our culture has created an environment where we are working .. working constantly.. (either chasing a higher standard of living or running as fast as we can just to maintain our current standard of living (housing, education, healthcare), working so you can afford to have kids) and we work in an environment where we are disconnected from our family and friends. Often, if you are lucky, you make friends at work.. but almost always these aren't like the friends you made at high school, they aren't as meaningful and strong. Then People change jobs and you "stay in touch"... If you are lucky, you find the person you love at work, but work places romances are tricky as well.. sometimes (usually?) frowned upon.
We just have much less TIME to build those sorts of deep bonds. Visit a village or a small town in the developing world and observe how much more TIME people seem to have. How much more time they spend with each other.
For most of humanity a family group stayed together for the majority of each day. Children played with siblings, cousins and were usually within earshot of one of their parents or relatives. Certainly they would have found their way back when hungry. As they got older, they worked right beside their parents on the various chores and tasks.
In modern western society, the spouses are separated for the majority of their waking hours. (Even if one spouse chose to stay at home, the issue would still remain as the other spouse would have to go to work). The children spend either a significant or a major portion of their time in day care or school, also separated from their siblings. Then throw in the after school activities, projects and homework needed to create a modern "well rounded" child. (Don't even get me started on how un-affordable it is to have kids)
They do get to have a rushed breakfast together and hopefully a good dinner as well, but that is about it. A significant portion of the weekend is spent doing chores. Add in the American working culture of taking very few vacation days.
The decline of the family is because our culture has created an environment where we are working .. working constantly.. (either chasing a higher standard of living or running as fast as we can just to maintain our current standard of living (housing, education, healthcare), working so you can afford to have kids) and we work in an environment where we are disconnected from our family and friends. Often, if you are lucky, you make friends at work.. but almost always these aren't like the friends you made at high school, they aren't as meaningful and strong. Then People change jobs and you "stay in touch"... If you are lucky, you find the person you love at work, but work places romances are tricky as well.. sometimes (usually?) frowned upon.
We just have much less TIME to build those sorts of deep bonds. Visit a village or a small town in the developing world and observe how much more TIME people seem to have. How much more time they spend with each other.
I just skimmed the article and it all resonates with my experience as an immigrant in the US but I'm also going to point out that the way cities are built in the US plays a huge role in isolating people. In most american cities the spaces to aggregate without having to pay money (let's say a restaurant) are scarce or even absent. There's no benches on the side of the streets, because we fear that someone could sit on it and NOT SPEND MONEY at a nearby business (the horror!).
We build houses far, far away from stores and places of work, so everyone needs to drive to those places in their own motorized isolation box.
We built profoundly inhuman places to live, and the result is that nobody is happy and we're all dying of all kinds of preventable diseases.
I think this model of society has largely failed, and people in western countries are now struggling to figure out where do we go from here, a question we will probably not answer in my lifetime.
We build houses far, far away from stores and places of work, so everyone needs to drive to those places in their own motorized isolation box.
We built profoundly inhuman places to live, and the result is that nobody is happy and we're all dying of all kinds of preventable diseases.
I think this model of society has largely failed, and people in western countries are now struggling to figure out where do we go from here, a question we will probably not answer in my lifetime.
If anyone lives in Seattle and is feeling lonely hit me up! I'll grab coffee with you any time. I'm 35 & a few years ago my loneliness spiraled out of control and almost killed me. I had a lot of crap from my late teens -> late 20's and it led me to a dark place. I know what it's like to be in that place. I got sober and turned things around. Now I work remote and have a flexible schedule. Life is good! I love the goodness of humanity & meeting new people, so hit me up anytime, cheers!
My own concerns are different. I'm in my 50s now, happily married for over 25 years, with a terrific social life. I'm not at all lonely or isolated.
It's my children that I worry about.
They're boy/girl twins, now 25. My daughter is in the process of breaking up with the boyfriend she's lived with for the past two years, and moving back home to re-settle her life. She has a career, and wants to get married and start a family sometime soon. Her boyfriend is a great person to be around and she adores him, but... he doesn't want kids (and is actually freaked out by them). He doesn't want marriage. And he can't keep himself organized enough to uphold his financial/personal responsibilities in cohabitation. So where is she going to find a potential partner who shares her social values, and wants a life partnership and a co-parent, who can uphold their responsibilities? She doesn't even know where to look.
Her brother lives at home, and probably always will. He doesn't have a real career and can't adult well enough to live on his own, even if he had to. He has never been on a date, even, and lives for video games. What happens if he looks around one day and suddenly feels lonely for a family other than his aging parents? With no financial substance or adulting skills and no romantic experience, he's not much of a catch for partners his age. He'll have to take more family/household responsibility as he gets older, and that's fine, but what happens when his parents finally pass away and he's an old man?
As a parent, these situations worry me greatly.
It's my children that I worry about.
They're boy/girl twins, now 25. My daughter is in the process of breaking up with the boyfriend she's lived with for the past two years, and moving back home to re-settle her life. She has a career, and wants to get married and start a family sometime soon. Her boyfriend is a great person to be around and she adores him, but... he doesn't want kids (and is actually freaked out by them). He doesn't want marriage. And he can't keep himself organized enough to uphold his financial/personal responsibilities in cohabitation. So where is she going to find a potential partner who shares her social values, and wants a life partnership and a co-parent, who can uphold their responsibilities? She doesn't even know where to look.
Her brother lives at home, and probably always will. He doesn't have a real career and can't adult well enough to live on his own, even if he had to. He has never been on a date, even, and lives for video games. What happens if he looks around one day and suddenly feels lonely for a family other than his aging parents? With no financial substance or adulting skills and no romantic experience, he's not much of a catch for partners his age. He'll have to take more family/household responsibility as he gets older, and that's fine, but what happens when his parents finally pass away and he's an old man?
As a parent, these situations worry me greatly.
The Great Lakes have surpassed the 'high-water-level' record set 33 years ago.
Therefore, High-Water levels in the Great Lakes cause loneliness.
Correlation != Causation
If you are looking for things "to blame" don't forget about:
-decline in religious-group (church) participation
-stagnate wage increases for 20 years while cost of living increases (result: less of an ability to afford "going out") Also related: more people needing 2+ jobs
-increased internet access/duration/interaction
All of these equate to less 'recreational' time available. Lack of recreation time = less chance to participate in social settings = more loneliness
Correlation != Causation
If you are looking for things "to blame" don't forget about:
-decline in religious-group (church) participation
-stagnate wage increases for 20 years while cost of living increases (result: less of an ability to afford "going out") Also related: more people needing 2+ jobs
-increased internet access/duration/interaction
All of these equate to less 'recreational' time available. Lack of recreation time = less chance to participate in social settings = more loneliness
Strange, I always thought the epidemic of loneliness in post-industrial countries was attributable to alienation from culture and community, because we'd replaced self-sufficiently interesting forms of life with meaningless jobs in equally meaningless service stores built in meaningless communities by faceless multinational conglomerates, sold with lifestyle ads bundled with meaningless mass entertainment to people lacking a cultural immune response to the siren song of shallow mass culture.
The nuclear suburban household is a manifestation of the soulless, profit-driven mass culture that we've been actively fleeing from ever since we woke up to find ourselves isolated amongst our acquaintances. Every generation in the West since the 1950s has engaged in a desperate scramble to find meaning and connection, because, spoilers, there's something hauntingly awful about eating microwave dinners in front of the television with your family after working 10 hours doing supply chain managment for WhateverCo. with a spouse with whom you never learned to communicate with and children whose only job is to stay on the rails and not get any strange ideas about life.
I don't even think that loneliness is intrinsically a bad thing. Pain is a signal that forces you to adapt.
The nuclear suburban household is a manifestation of the soulless, profit-driven mass culture that we've been actively fleeing from ever since we woke up to find ourselves isolated amongst our acquaintances. Every generation in the West since the 1950s has engaged in a desperate scramble to find meaning and connection, because, spoilers, there's something hauntingly awful about eating microwave dinners in front of the television with your family after working 10 hours doing supply chain managment for WhateverCo. with a spouse with whom you never learned to communicate with and children whose only job is to stay on the rails and not get any strange ideas about life.
I don't even think that loneliness is intrinsically a bad thing. Pain is a signal that forces you to adapt.
I look at so many of my single friends who are achingly lonely (late 30s to early 40s) and they all have a particular trait in common: they obsess about the possibilities the future may hold yet don’t acknowledge the hard work it would take to get there. There’s also a sort of collective delusion that if you wait around long enough, your dream partner will show up and that if a relationship takes any work at all that it should be scrapped because it interferes with “just being an individual”.
The longer people put off pairing up, the harder it seems to accomplish.
I think mainstream media has really warped a couple of generations of people’s priorities. Extended adolescence and chasing hedonism is now the norm.
My friends who eschewed that in favor of more traditional long term relationships, compromise and building family over Instagram followers are decidedly more content and less anxious.
I suspect as my generation ages these effect will amplify.
The longer people put off pairing up, the harder it seems to accomplish.
I think mainstream media has really warped a couple of generations of people’s priorities. Extended adolescence and chasing hedonism is now the norm.
My friends who eschewed that in favor of more traditional long term relationships, compromise and building family over Instagram followers are decidedly more content and less anxious.
I suspect as my generation ages these effect will amplify.
The number of people I know who advocate that “blood is thicker than water” and then spend most of our outings at a bar complaining about one or another of those blood relatives...
For years I’ve felt like I’m supposed to report in to my family (my mother in particular) because otherwise I’m assumed dead. It was never reasonable, I was always safe and happy (and not engaged in anything crazy like CIA wetwork, just traveling around the US by myself), but I finally had to do away with it and issue an ultimatum.
For me it was not family vs loneliness. It was family vs lonerness (and happiness). They were “stuck in the mud” and expected me to be the same... when I wasn’t it was out of their comfort zone and they didn’t know how to handle that.
Several months in now I’m happier than I’ve ever been... purely because I don’t have to worry about anyone’s happiness except my own and the people I actually choose to be with.
For years I’ve felt like I’m supposed to report in to my family (my mother in particular) because otherwise I’m assumed dead. It was never reasonable, I was always safe and happy (and not engaged in anything crazy like CIA wetwork, just traveling around the US by myself), but I finally had to do away with it and issue an ultimatum.
For me it was not family vs loneliness. It was family vs lonerness (and happiness). They were “stuck in the mud” and expected me to be the same... when I wasn’t it was out of their comfort zone and they didn’t know how to handle that.
Several months in now I’m happier than I’ve ever been... purely because I don’t have to worry about anyone’s happiness except my own and the people I actually choose to be with.
Is it just the family, or is it also community institutions?
I'm thinking specifically about the decline in church attendance. Regardless of your beliefs, church congregations (not mega-churches, but small congregations of at most a few hundred) provided a built-in community that could provide support, companionship, activities, etc. So far I haven't seen anything that really replicates all those communities had to offer.
I'm thinking specifically about the decline in church attendance. Regardless of your beliefs, church congregations (not mega-churches, but small congregations of at most a few hundred) provided a built-in community that could provide support, companionship, activities, etc. So far I haven't seen anything that really replicates all those communities had to offer.
Luis CK once said the choice between marriage and staying single is like the choice between being frustrated and being lonely.
As someone originally from a second-world country I can say that I feel people have it good these days in terms of their basic needs for survival. When you're not fighting for something, it's easy to feel like you're not fulfilled and it's hard to rally with others who are fighting for basic needs.
As someone originally from a second-world country I can say that I feel people have it good these days in terms of their basic needs for survival. When you're not fighting for something, it's easy to feel like you're not fulfilled and it's hard to rally with others who are fighting for basic needs.
I've been lonely for so long, I'm almost numb to it. I'm 28, and sometimes I don't even feel human. I can go weeks where the only words I utter to other humans are during the 10-20 minute catch-ups with my parents who live 2000 miles away. My only consistent communication is with a group of ~5 guys on Discord, where we mostly discuss the game we play together via text. I have
never so much as cuddled with another person, much less kissed/held hands/etc. I'm so starved for physical human contact that it's almost painful.
Anyway, I recently went back to school to finish a CS bachelor's. I have zero friends, shitty grades, no internship experience, a criminal record (technically expunged), and a GitHub profile that's essentially empty; supposed to be graduating next week and finding a job.
I don't know why I'm writing this here. Despite the fact that I'm graduating next week, I'm somehow at an all-time-low in my life. And unbelievably lonely. Like I can't even express how lonely I am, it's just a pit. Basically been in this state for 10 years now. My 20's down the fucking drain.
Anyway, I recently went back to school to finish a CS bachelor's. I have zero friends, shitty grades, no internship experience, a criminal record (technically expunged), and a GitHub profile that's essentially empty; supposed to be graduating next week and finding a job.
I don't know why I'm writing this here. Despite the fact that I'm graduating next week, I'm somehow at an all-time-low in my life. And unbelievably lonely. Like I can't even express how lonely I am, it's just a pit. Basically been in this state for 10 years now. My 20's down the fucking drain.
I think the increase in ostracization, bullying, and shallow celebrity reality shows has caused people to feel like they can barely do anything without being shamed, criticized, or ridiculed for showing a bit of difference from the established TV/movie/politically-correct norm. The divisiveness in owner/worker rich/poor and politician/voter has only sprayed fuel on the fire. Nevermind stagnating wages causing young folks to hold out on having children giving them less incentive to marry.
I don't know how many times I've heard about people not even being able to have conversations at the dinner table because of some stupid hot-button political issue that people feel they have to go hard-line on or take to the extreme just to get a little bit of gloat over things that are trumped-up in the mainstream/YouTube media. If you're the head of the household or workplace or friend group and you don't lay down the law about this kind of divisiveness, then you're letting the people you love tear each other apart.
I don't know how many times I've heard about people not even being able to have conversations at the dinner table because of some stupid hot-button political issue that people feel they have to go hard-line on or take to the extreme just to get a little bit of gloat over things that are trumped-up in the mainstream/YouTube media. If you're the head of the household or workplace or friend group and you don't lay down the law about this kind of divisiveness, then you're letting the people you love tear each other apart.
I tend to be more the loner, harder now that i'm married with kids, but I've moved a few times to places where I knew absolutely no one. So, frankly if your in this boat don't do the studio apartment, and definitely don't got home and turn on the TV/computer.
Get a two bedroom, and advertise for a roommate, and be creative for joining organizations/activities where you will interact with the same group of people repeatedly, volunteering, team sports, workout groups, adult learning classes, church, etc. Something will stick as long as you smile at people and start random conversations. I might even suggest the bar, but again you need to find a more neighborhoody/dive bar and go there enough to see the same people. Then find out what there interests are and invite them to do something with you,
The point is get the fsck out of the house. Loner activities can even work if you strike up conversations with the people you meet while out running/etc and then invite them for a coffee/beer/etc.
Invite your coworkers to lunch, happy hour, etc.
Now at that said, a big part of this is making sure your friendly and positive, and act interested in people. Start acting negative, or self centered and people won't want to go hang out again.
Get a two bedroom, and advertise for a roommate, and be creative for joining organizations/activities where you will interact with the same group of people repeatedly, volunteering, team sports, workout groups, adult learning classes, church, etc. Something will stick as long as you smile at people and start random conversations. I might even suggest the bar, but again you need to find a more neighborhoody/dive bar and go there enough to see the same people. Then find out what there interests are and invite them to do something with you,
The point is get the fsck out of the house. Loner activities can even work if you strike up conversations with the people you meet while out running/etc and then invite them for a coffee/beer/etc.
Invite your coworkers to lunch, happy hour, etc.
Now at that said, a big part of this is making sure your friendly and positive, and act interested in people. Start acting negative, or self centered and people won't want to go hang out again.
One thing to keep in mind is city-journal.org / manhattan institute is a conservative think-tank (see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manhattan_Institute_for_Policy... ).
The author makes a lot of fair points I agree with but doesn't go into the positive situations - the change where people may have more ability now to get out of toxic families (or at least distance themselves), questioning how we can move beyond just religious congregations of community (perhaps congregation more around bioregionalism?). Or if awareness of resource limitations in the future may be causing less developed-world birth than earlier.
Finally, to quote David Chapman - ""Just as there are mental states only possible in crowds, there are mental states only possible in privacy."
Loneliness epidemic—or a golden age of privacy?"
https://mobile.twitter.com/Meaningness/status/97139760655443...
The author makes a lot of fair points I agree with but doesn't go into the positive situations - the change where people may have more ability now to get out of toxic families (or at least distance themselves), questioning how we can move beyond just religious congregations of community (perhaps congregation more around bioregionalism?). Or if awareness of resource limitations in the future may be causing less developed-world birth than earlier.
Finally, to quote David Chapman - ""Just as there are mental states only possible in crowds, there are mental states only possible in privacy."
Loneliness epidemic—or a golden age of privacy?"
https://mobile.twitter.com/Meaningness/status/97139760655443...
Decline of the family? How about decline of the entire Homo Sapien social structure ...
I’m looking out my window, and I see houses of neighbors I’ve never met, and the rest are owned by people with whom I have nothing in common. So, needless to say, I spend a lot of time at work. Work has sadly become my “new family”. Yet, I trust none of them. So, no wonder my Homo Sapien brain is flipping out.
I’m looking out my window, and I see houses of neighbors I’ve never met, and the rest are owned by people with whom I have nothing in common. So, needless to say, I spend a lot of time at work. Work has sadly become my “new family”. Yet, I trust none of them. So, no wonder my Homo Sapien brain is flipping out.
As someone who is single and "kinless," reading this hit pretty hard. I have had a total of probably less than 12 hours of IRL human contact over the past year. I work 100% remotely, so I suppose this isn't surprising. Dating was incredibly frustrating, so I stopped. Moved to a new city, no friends, etc.
Lately I find myself dreaming of the incredibly mundane -- like sitting and having a conversation with a friend, holding hands with made-up humans, etc.
Lately I find myself dreaming of the incredibly mundane -- like sitting and having a conversation with a friend, holding hands with made-up humans, etc.
Hypothesis:
Up until recently, you only needed a so-so amount of interest in settling down and having children, in order to pass on your genes. Some people did, but others didn't, and while this was not entirely genes it wasn't entirely NOT genes either. But, since everyone got more or less pushed into marrying and starting a family anyway, by strong social pressures, there was no strong evolutionary advantage to a strong desire for family.
For about one generation now, the people who WANT kids, and are willing to be half of a committed couple in order to have more of them, are the ones having more kids. Others, either don't have any children, or only have one.
In a couple generations, they will look back at this time and wonder why people back then were so (relatively) uninterested in family.
Just a hypothesis. Could happen relatively quickly, though. Which would mean, in only a few generations.
For about one generation now, the people who WANT kids, and are willing to be half of a committed couple in order to have more of them, are the ones having more kids. Others, either don't have any children, or only have one.
In a couple generations, they will look back at this time and wonder why people back then were so (relatively) uninterested in family.
Just a hypothesis. Could happen relatively quickly, though. Which would mean, in only a few generations.
I hear a lot of people admit to depression, anxiety, OCD but rarely do I hear mention of loneliness. I don't have a close circle of friends and my primary social interaction comes from local meetups. I run two, one of which is focused on mental health topics. I've met a lot of people through it and never once heard mention of loneliness.
There's a subreddit, r/foreveralone, where I sometimes go seeking validation that others feel the same way. Are there others who received amazing information but have no one to share it with? I only find those stories on the internet. Do we need more celebrities coming out about their loneliness for it to become more socially acceptable to ask of someone: "I'm feeling really lonely, do you want to grab lunch?".
It's not so much that I'm not around people, I just don't have meaningful relationships with any of them. If I were to suddenly get married, aside from my mother, I don't know who else to invite to my wedding. The relationships feel superficial, career focused or just spur of the moment interactions.
I also fear that maybe I'm overly romanticising friendships and family. Is the image portrayed on tv the basis for what constitutes a meaningful relationship? Maybe it's ok to live life like this, with only passing interactions. Then I read something like this:
> Public-health researchers have known for a long time that unmarried men and women are at higher risk of early death from a variety of diseases
And wonder.
There's a subreddit, r/foreveralone, where I sometimes go seeking validation that others feel the same way. Are there others who received amazing information but have no one to share it with? I only find those stories on the internet. Do we need more celebrities coming out about their loneliness for it to become more socially acceptable to ask of someone: "I'm feeling really lonely, do you want to grab lunch?".
It's not so much that I'm not around people, I just don't have meaningful relationships with any of them. If I were to suddenly get married, aside from my mother, I don't know who else to invite to my wedding. The relationships feel superficial, career focused or just spur of the moment interactions.
I also fear that maybe I'm overly romanticising friendships and family. Is the image portrayed on tv the basis for what constitutes a meaningful relationship? Maybe it's ok to live life like this, with only passing interactions. Then I read something like this:
> Public-health researchers have known for a long time that unmarried men and women are at higher risk of early death from a variety of diseases
And wonder.
(my baseless rant with no scientific proof)I think people who move a lot are lonelier as opposed to those who never left the place they grew up. I have a few childhood friends in my home town that even if i meet after years still share a bond.
I feel that it must be easier for women to make friends. It is very hard to make guy friends as most guys who are not in a relationship tend to focus on finding/hooking up. Also, we are a bit conditioned by pornography and also are a bit delusional. Everyone thinks too highly of themselves.. no one wants to settle. The women/men who can settle don't as their mischief(fucking around) catches on to them. Nothing wrong with that but there are consequences.
We half of us are lonely and don't want to be. Can't we all just get along and be nice to each other and build genuine relationships? No. For that first we need to accept that conditioning is messing up with our heads.. Change our habits and slow but surely we will meet like minded people
We half of us are lonely and don't want to be. Can't we all just get along and be nice to each other and build genuine relationships? No. For that first we need to accept that conditioning is messing up with our heads.. Change our habits and slow but surely we will meet like minded people
> Cohabiting couples break up faster and more often than marrieds.
I find the distinction between cohabiting and married couples a bit weird. I mean, aren't most couples cohabiting before they marry? Which in turn would mean that married couples have, on average, a more mature relationship? No wonder that those relationships are more stable than the mixed group, from fresh couples to equally mature couples, which is called 'cohabiting couples'.
Feels a bit like apples and oranges and I wonder what the message behind those facts should be.
I find the distinction between cohabiting and married couples a bit weird. I mean, aren't most couples cohabiting before they marry? Which in turn would mean that married couples have, on average, a more mature relationship? No wonder that those relationships are more stable than the mixed group, from fresh couples to equally mature couples, which is called 'cohabiting couples'.
Feels a bit like apples and oranges and I wonder what the message behind those facts should be.
For those that can spare some cash. Get yourself a vacation for a couple weeks to Greece or Turkey, meet some locals there. Even better, try living abroad there or other nations that are known for their social culture. Believe me you will change. You get to experience a new culture and learn a thing or two about yourself.
There are other ways of solving the loneliness problem than economically castrating more than half the population in an attempt to return to an idealized past that never actually was. The world is different now than it was in the 1950s, and we're going to have to find different ways to get our necessary face-time, and luckily we have more tools to better take responsibility for our social health than we did even 10 years ago.
Are there anyone here outside the straight, white (or white-adjacent), male demographic who would like to return to having less economic opportunity?
Are there anyone here outside the straight, white (or white-adjacent), male demographic who would like to return to having less economic opportunity?
I would argue that the decline of the family is directly linked to feminism, or better stated, the liberation of women from the home and from conservative sexual values. The two forces behind that are birth control and women entering the work force. These two are magnified by online dating and social media. I am not saying at all that these are bad things, just that we have yet to see the true effects of feminism on society. Again, I am not asserting that feminism is a bad thing, just that when modes and patterns of societal interaction break down after hundreds of years (or more) of existence, we should take a step back and think about what is really happening.
It's too early to tell how this will play out, but we as a society have underestimated the effects and consequences of rapid change. It may be another one hundred years before we can look back and understand what we are currently going through.
It's too early to tell how this will play out, but we as a society have underestimated the effects and consequences of rapid change. It may be another one hundred years before we can look back and understand what we are currently going through.
Going home feels so meh... I can watch more Sherlock Holmes videos (Jeremy Brett!), rewatch Parks and Rec or The Office, or work on music or art, but there is no one to share with, no one to quip with, no one to engage with on my passions. I just kinda laze about without more contact and stimulus.
And I do have a better social circle now than I have since I left home at age 18...minus the daily familial, non-work interaction. I can't wait to hit the phase of life with a partner and/or family living with me.
If anyone in Providence, RI wants to hang, let me know!