Normally I'd like to try to understand what you have against AGPL (Opa is dual licence btw.) but given that half of your wording is around words like "retarded" and "stupid", I'm not sure whether you're really interested in real discussion?
I don't want to start (continue?) another static-vs-dynamic-typing war, but I feel like I need to add my 2 cents.
For me the biggest pragmatic gain from using static typing is that your programs contain less bugs right from the start -- simply because many types of errors are detected by the compiler based on type information. Just to clarify, I'm talking real strong, static typing like in Ocaml, Haskell and the likes and not Java-style typing, which is not very powerful and imposes the cost of adding type information on the developer, whereas in the aforementioned languages the type inference pretty much does away with this problem.
This having said, I'd suggest taking a look at the new programming language: Opa (http://opalang.org). It complies with most of the requests of the author of the article. It's compiled (#2) and statically typed (#1). It allows easy interfacing with JS, C and Ocaml (#3). First class XML elements: yup (#4); case sensitivity: check (#7) and JS is automatically generated from Opa sources (#8). I happen to be writing a blog about Opa (http://blog.opalang.org) and would be very interested to hear what you think about it.