Ask HN: What do you regret in life?
330 comments
I don't regret a lot for long, I find it to be an incredibly depressing feeling and I try to make short business of any regrets I do have. I've found most of the time, actions (or inactions) that have lead to me regret can be reversed by sincere apologies, shifting your stance, or otherwise try to undo the thing causing you regret. In the case of inaction, if the train hasn't left the station...
But there is one thing I can't shake.
I met a girl a little over a decade ago, and fell madly in love. We became a couple, but due to various events our relationship ended. Not least because at one point years ago, I was put on the spot and asked where our relationship was headed, a thinly veiled attempt to get me to commit. I loved the girl – still do – but I wasn't ready to settle down and marry. I wanted to focus on my career and build a business and do all of these other things and I just couldn't commit. Not long thereafter, our relationship ended and I relocated to a different country.
It's cheesy and unoriginal, but it's the one thing I regret: not marrying that woman.
Before anyone comments to that effect: I don't have a particularly hard time dating, and have plenty of experience both before and after this woman. But I've never connected with anyone like that before, and it genuinely feels as though I've lost someone hugely important, like family. It's a very sad feeling and cheesy as it may be, it's my only real regret.
But there is one thing I can't shake.
I met a girl a little over a decade ago, and fell madly in love. We became a couple, but due to various events our relationship ended. Not least because at one point years ago, I was put on the spot and asked where our relationship was headed, a thinly veiled attempt to get me to commit. I loved the girl – still do – but I wasn't ready to settle down and marry. I wanted to focus on my career and build a business and do all of these other things and I just couldn't commit. Not long thereafter, our relationship ended and I relocated to a different country.
It's cheesy and unoriginal, but it's the one thing I regret: not marrying that woman.
Before anyone comments to that effect: I don't have a particularly hard time dating, and have plenty of experience both before and after this woman. But I've never connected with anyone like that before, and it genuinely feels as though I've lost someone hugely important, like family. It's a very sad feeling and cheesy as it may be, it's my only real regret.
I regret being timid with doctors when my daughter had an issue. I knew something was wrong but didn't want to be obnoxious and insist I knew more than them. I let them delay important scans because it was late Sunday and they convinced me it wasn't a big deal, that'd it be OK, nothing would happen overnight. That was incorrect and she died two days later. It was a minor issue that should have been caught, that I almost certainly would have prevented just by insisting a bit, risking a bit of embarrassment of being a pushy parent.
11 years later and this still destroys me any time it crosses my mind.
11 years later and this still destroys me any time it crosses my mind.
Spending so much time on HN instead of doing things that will have an impact (and I don't mean coding).
50 years from now nobody will care about code you wrote, neat charts you made in Visio, or that you managed to get acquihired. Give your grandchildren something to care about.
50 years from now nobody will care about code you wrote, neat charts you made in Visio, or that you managed to get acquihired. Give your grandchildren something to care about.
Three things:
(1) Not retaining good exercise habits through my 30s and 40s. I did way better than most, but still went through too many periods - sometimes over a year - where I hardly exercised at all. It's really hard to pick it up again when you're 50, but really important too. It hardly even matters what kind of exercise you do (cue all the weightlifting bros jumping in to disagree) so much as that you do something.
(2) Buying a house. What a pain. The purchase price is just the beginning. Then you have to factor in property taxes and insurance and constant maintenance that's both a cost and a huge time-suck. The financials would have to be way more positive for it to be worth it, as far as I'm concerned.
(3) Getting involved in a project with crappy code and too many developers constantly making it worse. Life's too short. Even if it's not as directly in your area of interest, or not as outwardly successful, working on good code with an upward quality trajectory is better for overall happiness.
(1) Not retaining good exercise habits through my 30s and 40s. I did way better than most, but still went through too many periods - sometimes over a year - where I hardly exercised at all. It's really hard to pick it up again when you're 50, but really important too. It hardly even matters what kind of exercise you do (cue all the weightlifting bros jumping in to disagree) so much as that you do something.
(2) Buying a house. What a pain. The purchase price is just the beginning. Then you have to factor in property taxes and insurance and constant maintenance that's both a cost and a huge time-suck. The financials would have to be way more positive for it to be worth it, as far as I'm concerned.
(3) Getting involved in a project with crappy code and too many developers constantly making it worse. Life's too short. Even if it's not as directly in your area of interest, or not as outwardly successful, working on good code with an upward quality trajectory is better for overall happiness.
I regret not seeing clearly the effect that my depression was having on my wife and kid, which will probably result in our divorce. Depression is stressful to the bystanders -- don't think you can tough it out because it's just you!
I just scrolled down this thread and started reading a few of the different regrets. One thing I realised is that a lot of them are contradictory with each other.
e.g. Not marrying that girl vs. Rushing into marriage
Not working harder in school vs. Not playing more sport and socialising more
If you're the type of person who always thinks "what if?" then you're always going to regret something. I'm starting to think that regretting is more a bad habit than anything else.
There's always going to be something to regret, if your mind works that way.
Disclaimer: I am somebody with a lot of regrets and a bad habit of going over and over things in my mind. A habit I am gradually getting rid of!
e.g. Not marrying that girl vs. Rushing into marriage
Not working harder in school vs. Not playing more sport and socialising more
If you're the type of person who always thinks "what if?" then you're always going to regret something. I'm starting to think that regretting is more a bad habit than anything else.
There's always going to be something to regret, if your mind works that way.
Disclaimer: I am somebody with a lot of regrets and a bad habit of going over and over things in my mind. A habit I am gradually getting rid of!
I started regretting not learning an instrument.
Then I realised this was dumb, bought a £20 Ukulele, signed up to classes, and am happy as a clam.
4 months in, I play twice a week with a big group. I still sound awful solo, but am amazed at how far I've come, and how much embracing something totally different has enriched many parts of my life I just didn't expect.
Then I realised this was dumb, bought a £20 Ukulele, signed up to classes, and am happy as a clam.
4 months in, I play twice a week with a big group. I still sound awful solo, but am amazed at how far I've come, and how much embracing something totally different has enriched many parts of my life I just didn't expect.
I regret that I never made as much time as I could have for my dad when he was around. Knowing how much simple texts calls and emails would have meant, my consistent failure to respond promptly and contact regularly will always be a regret. I hate the idea that he might have thought I didn't care, rather than I am just lazy/thoughtless.
I was careless with earplugs at a concert (not the whole concert, just the time before the band hit the stage but it was quite loud music playing) and that may have given me tinnitus, which sucks. So take care of yours ears!
Only two thing I really regret:
- The stress I must have caused my parents by being a complete arse from about 17 to 21 or so. They had 4 kids with 2 of my siblings suffering from disabilities. The last thing they needed was me adding to their stress levels. Of course, I didn't realise this until after they were both dead and I was a parent of a relatively well behaved teenager!
- Bottling out of trying to join the Royal Marines - trained like crazy my last two years at University but then was too terrified to actually apply in case I wasn't good enough (which I probably wasn't!).
Edit: On a positive note apparently the first thing the young lady who went on to become my wife of 26 years noticed when she first met me was my nice arm muscles acquired from all that training! Also thinking about it going into the forces might not have been the best for the stress levels of my parents!
- The stress I must have caused my parents by being a complete arse from about 17 to 21 or so. They had 4 kids with 2 of my siblings suffering from disabilities. The last thing they needed was me adding to their stress levels. Of course, I didn't realise this until after they were both dead and I was a parent of a relatively well behaved teenager!
- Bottling out of trying to join the Royal Marines - trained like crazy my last two years at University but then was too terrified to actually apply in case I wasn't good enough (which I probably wasn't!).
Edit: On a positive note apparently the first thing the young lady who went on to become my wife of 26 years noticed when she first met me was my nice arm muscles acquired from all that training! Also thinking about it going into the forces might not have been the best for the stress levels of my parents!
I regret that I took the easy way out studying math. When calculus was too hard in high school I switched into a Pascal class, that I already knew, because it was taught by the math department and gave me the same credit. I suppose my real regret was that I let fear over grades dictate what I chose to learn.
I didn't start lifting weights until my 40s. I now realize how great strength is in so many ways.
Not regularly exercising after I finished high school. You should definitely do that. The time to start really exploring all the cool stuff your body is capable of doing is before and during its peak, not as it slides down the slope into the trough of old age. I find myself wondering how fast I could have run a half marathon 20 years ago if I'd become a runner then, but I'll never know.
I regret not beating out a fellow photographer for the cover of National Geographic, but there isn't much I could do to change that one, it's just one of those "damn, my best wasn't quite good enough" moments. But fortunately photographic ability doesn't decline with age, though the relevance of the medium might.
I regret not beating out a fellow photographer for the cover of National Geographic, but there isn't much I could do to change that one, it's just one of those "damn, my best wasn't quite good enough" moments. But fortunately photographic ability doesn't decline with age, though the relevance of the medium might.
1. Not taking care of my teeth when I was younger.
2. This is probably more substantial: Not finding the right group of people to surround myself with. This is a mixture of not putting in the effort and not being in the right environment (particularly growing up and not really having the choice).
Now I'm starting something to hopefully help me and others find and share interests/passions with like-minded people. Life is too short to spend not fully enjoying the things we do.
2. This is probably more substantial: Not finding the right group of people to surround myself with. This is a mixture of not putting in the effort and not being in the right environment (particularly growing up and not really having the choice).
Now I'm starting something to hopefully help me and others find and share interests/passions with like-minded people. Life is too short to spend not fully enjoying the things we do.
I regret not taking any real risks. I joined the fortune-500 corporate software world, never tried a start-up, never made anything memorable, never broke new ground.
I regret letting myself get comfortable, to a place where the money is too good to leave.
I regret letting myself get comfortable, to a place where the money is too good to leave.
honestly? Getting in to software development. I should have been a mechanic, carpenter, machinist, or just sucked it up and spent more time really studying math and gone the engineering/architecture route.
I've known my entire life that I needed to be making tangible physical stuff to be really satisfied, yet somehow I have never made the leap because the money is too good in technology land, and building software seemed like a pretty good compromise. Now I'm bored with software engineering, transitioned in to a corporate information security role to take a break, and feel like I'll never get back to anything I like more cause the money is just too good.
Depressingly, I can see myself slowly moving up to middle/upper management (it's already started a little bit) because once again the money is too good, and falling in to the trap of telling myself "look how cheap you live compared to your income, you can just retire by 50", which probably won't happen anyway. Hell, even if it does, I'll be 50. Not the end of the world, but not as good as doing what you enjoy through your 20s, 30s, and 40s.
tldr: first world problems. As much as people like to make fun of the stereotypical "white guys are either in business or start a brewery" thing, I get it.
I've known my entire life that I needed to be making tangible physical stuff to be really satisfied, yet somehow I have never made the leap because the money is too good in technology land, and building software seemed like a pretty good compromise. Now I'm bored with software engineering, transitioned in to a corporate information security role to take a break, and feel like I'll never get back to anything I like more cause the money is just too good.
Depressingly, I can see myself slowly moving up to middle/upper management (it's already started a little bit) because once again the money is too good, and falling in to the trap of telling myself "look how cheap you live compared to your income, you can just retire by 50", which probably won't happen anyway. Hell, even if it does, I'll be 50. Not the end of the world, but not as good as doing what you enjoy through your 20s, 30s, and 40s.
tldr: first world problems. As much as people like to make fun of the stereotypical "white guys are either in business or start a brewery" thing, I get it.
Running my company for 15 years instead of for 10.
After the crash of 2008 it was clear that revenues were plunging and the situation was dire.
I could have shut it down right then and there and left on a high note.
Instead I slashed my own pay and applied a Herculean effort to keep the firm alive...only to shut it down anyway 5 years later.
That was five years of my life that I have nothing to show for.
Know when to walk away.
After the crash of 2008 it was clear that revenues were plunging and the situation was dire.
I could have shut it down right then and there and left on a high note.
Instead I slashed my own pay and applied a Herculean effort to keep the firm alive...only to shut it down anyway 5 years later.
That was five years of my life that I have nothing to show for.
Know when to walk away.
Things always appear to happen for a reason in my life. I postponed college to work in an architects office, a job I got during high school. I developed some software for the owner which we began to sell. The secretary embezzled from us and I am let go.
Five years later the boss and I re-unite. At this time I'm going back to college to study computer science. We plan on rebooting the company, but in order to keep my day job I was forced to pursue my Master's Degree. So we part ways again.
I go off and study at The University of Michigan, a school I would have never gotten into had life not gone the way they did. I graduate with a degree in Industrial Design and spend the next decade doing User Experience design. But not very happily. At the age of 45 I have a yolo moment of enlightenment and decide to go back to school to study Computer Science...again. I never really stopped programming and I DID REGRET not pursuing this life-long passion. School is...too easy and I'm not being pushed, so I quit and continued moving forward learning on my own.
One day, I'm driving down the street and I spy the company logo of my former boss on the side of a building, 20+ years since I left him. I walk in the door and the first words out of his mouth was my name, with a question mark attached to the end. I look at the empty desk beside him and think, "That is my desk!" The next day we are business partners in a new venture. Apparently, he had been working from home the last 25 years, doing very well for himself. But the software that we set out to create back in 1988 has always been a ghost that has haunted us both. So he left the comfort of his home, bought a building, renovated it, hired and trained employees, for the SOLE PURPOSE OF TRACKING ME DOWN SO WE COULD FINISH WHAT WE STARTED.
It is so easy to live life with regret. It is so easy to question our choices and cry at our lack of good fortune. I've learned over the years that things happen to me for a reason. All of the choices, both good and bad, brought me to this moment. There were no accidents. I could easily look back at my life and regret MANY things, but I don't.
And even if this new partnership goes awry, there will be a reason for this as well.
Five years later the boss and I re-unite. At this time I'm going back to college to study computer science. We plan on rebooting the company, but in order to keep my day job I was forced to pursue my Master's Degree. So we part ways again.
I go off and study at The University of Michigan, a school I would have never gotten into had life not gone the way they did. I graduate with a degree in Industrial Design and spend the next decade doing User Experience design. But not very happily. At the age of 45 I have a yolo moment of enlightenment and decide to go back to school to study Computer Science...again. I never really stopped programming and I DID REGRET not pursuing this life-long passion. School is...too easy and I'm not being pushed, so I quit and continued moving forward learning on my own.
One day, I'm driving down the street and I spy the company logo of my former boss on the side of a building, 20+ years since I left him. I walk in the door and the first words out of his mouth was my name, with a question mark attached to the end. I look at the empty desk beside him and think, "That is my desk!" The next day we are business partners in a new venture. Apparently, he had been working from home the last 25 years, doing very well for himself. But the software that we set out to create back in 1988 has always been a ghost that has haunted us both. So he left the comfort of his home, bought a building, renovated it, hired and trained employees, for the SOLE PURPOSE OF TRACKING ME DOWN SO WE COULD FINISH WHAT WE STARTED.
It is so easy to live life with regret. It is so easy to question our choices and cry at our lack of good fortune. I've learned over the years that things happen to me for a reason. All of the choices, both good and bad, brought me to this moment. There were no accidents. I could easily look back at my life and regret MANY things, but I don't.
And even if this new partnership goes awry, there will be a reason for this as well.
I regret choosing an elite university (Oxford) and its ultra-generic Engineering course, rather than a more specific course in say, electronics or even maths but at a less prestigious institution. I came out with a paper-thin knowledge of a dozen engineering subdisciplines, rather than truly knowing any one of them. Many of my peers became accountants, many others quickly became 'project managers' - spreadsheet jockeys. I cannot think of any who actually became engineers. Like others, this frustration has led me into a life of continuous learning.
I regret spending time studying that I could have spent programming. I found my study boring and in the end wasted a few years of my life and quite a bit of money that I would have otherwise saved. I also believe I learned much more in the workplace. And when I want to study a topic that is of interest to me, I rather just buy a book.
I also regret spending around 7 years of my life without really sure which path I would like to take. I lost direction and focus when my parents died unexpectedly. In this period I was very depressed. I had to figure out my own life goals, when my previous goal, making my parents proud, wasn't possible anymore.
At least now I have some clear goals for my life and am generally a very happy person :)
I also regret spending around 7 years of my life without really sure which path I would like to take. I lost direction and focus when my parents died unexpectedly. In this period I was very depressed. I had to figure out my own life goals, when my previous goal, making my parents proud, wasn't possible anymore.
At least now I have some clear goals for my life and am generally a very happy person :)
I regret getting my first credit card, which ultimately led to my first breakup after my first proper relationship. It also led to a bunch of personal debt (a lot of which I've cleared, some I still have).
But if I hadn't, who knows how that would've affected later life - would I have ever met my now wife? Or would I be living somewhere else and working somewhere else? Would I have some of the cool stuff I have?
But if I hadn't, who knows how that would've affected later life - would I have ever met my now wife? Or would I be living somewhere else and working somewhere else? Would I have some of the cool stuff I have?
Getting bounced out of the Air Force. I should have fought it, should have held my ground and proved I was being set up. I had a witness willing to stand behind me, but my 19 year old idiot of a self said fuck this.
That was in 1983. I have a great life, but it still hits, that regret of walking away.
Grew up in the Chicago suburbs, then went to school in Troy, NY, then founded a startup in Boston. Now I'm starting to feel like Switzerland is the next destination, and while it feels like a more permanent move than the others, I wonder where I would be if I had not moved at all.
I'd probably be a more stout Christian, my economic class would almost certainly be lower. I'd probably have a lot more friends. Moving has a huge social cost and I've paid it twice. I'd probably be happier in daily life.
But I'd also probably feel like a big fish in a small pond. Like I had let down my potential. If I was in that position, I'd probably regret not leaving for college more than I currently regret leaving.
So I don't actually regret the price I've paid. But I do reflect on it frequently.
I'd probably be a more stout Christian, my economic class would almost certainly be lower. I'd probably have a lot more friends. Moving has a huge social cost and I've paid it twice. I'd probably be happier in daily life.
But I'd also probably feel like a big fish in a small pond. Like I had let down my potential. If I was in that position, I'd probably regret not leaving for college more than I currently regret leaving.
So I don't actually regret the price I've paid. But I do reflect on it frequently.
Easily my biggest regret is that I didn't come out as gay until I was already 20 years old (in 1994), basically staying in the closet for 7 years.
Taking the path of least resistance.
1) Applying to only one uni
2) Taking the first job I was offered out of college
Hard to think of anything particularly bad, but my main regret is not speaking up in favour of a more intellectually competent environment at my previous startup fund.
I seemed to be the only person keeping an eye on developments in the wider field, machine learning, coding, investment strategy, that kind of thing.
I was working with people who didn't even know what version control was, or that we actually used it. Sloppy thinking that was mistakable for expediency in the early days turned into pure intellectual laziness.
The same people had and still have a completely unrealistic view of what they've built. No real understanding of markets, no real understanding of coding, and no real understanding of how to run a business.
I've moved on now, but I feel there was more potential there, and it should have been used to build a truly amazing investment firm. Instead I allowed my colleagues to continue thinking they were excellent when they genuinely weren't, robbing them and us of the chance to improve ourselves.
It's hard telling people they're not up to a task.
I seemed to be the only person keeping an eye on developments in the wider field, machine learning, coding, investment strategy, that kind of thing.
I was working with people who didn't even know what version control was, or that we actually used it. Sloppy thinking that was mistakable for expediency in the early days turned into pure intellectual laziness.
The same people had and still have a completely unrealistic view of what they've built. No real understanding of markets, no real understanding of coding, and no real understanding of how to run a business.
I've moved on now, but I feel there was more potential there, and it should have been used to build a truly amazing investment firm. Instead I allowed my colleagues to continue thinking they were excellent when they genuinely weren't, robbing them and us of the chance to improve ourselves.
It's hard telling people they're not up to a task.
I regret I still can't get passport of civilized country because I left university (and don't have degree now). As an immigrant, I have less rights than refugee, despite I'm not going to get any social payments and take workplaces (I'm a freelancer).
Not acknowledging my ADHD until I was 31. I'm 33 and finally understand why my mind completely shuts down when I have multiple tasks, why I run from challenges when pressed hard, why I failed classes multiple times despite understanding the material, why I always thought of myself as lazy and why I would have bouts of depression every time I tried my hardest at accomplishing a task. I've wasted so many years in a state of wonder at other people's lives - going on Facebook, Instagram, Reddit and reading about the great things people have accomplished, daydreaming that I wasn't a lazy bastard. It's also affected my hobbies - reading, writing and playing guitar. I just can't focus on anything for extended periods of time. My songs are disparate parts cobbled together. My writing is a bunch of snippets. If I read I go crazy and can't stop, if I start and get interrupted I never finish.
Not doing more math. It seems like programming is very easy to learn whereas math science is very difficult.
I regret spending years trying to make others (parents, siblings, others) around me happy & conform to their ideals / wishes, instead of trying to make myself happy.
I regret following their advice getting married to someone I already knew at the time I didn't fully want to get married to, then having kids because that's what everyone else felt was right for me. And I "regret" meeting other people who I know would make me happier, but not knowing how to get out of my present position, without making a ton of people (incl. little people) unhappy in the process...
(and hopefully I'm not going to regret not having posted this under a throwaway account)
I regret following their advice getting married to someone I already knew at the time I didn't fully want to get married to, then having kids because that's what everyone else felt was right for me. And I "regret" meeting other people who I know would make me happier, but not knowing how to get out of my present position, without making a ton of people (incl. little people) unhappy in the process...
(and hopefully I'm not going to regret not having posted this under a throwaway account)
Suggested related reading on the topic:
"In Praise of Missing Out: Psychoanalyst Adam Phillips on the Paradoxical Value of Our Unlived Lives"
https://www.brainpickings.org/2015/08/17/missing-out-adam-phillips/
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In the Ask HN link above, a guy says he opened an unread email two years late and saw it was from Facebook in 2009 wanting to hire him.
Similarly, perhaps, one of my regrets was having received an early 2014 email that I didn't open, from someone I didn't much feel the need to keep in contact with. In late 2014, I finally read it. It was an offer to be the personal guide to the US team at the World Cup in Brazil...