There's the VMWare hypervisor. I think the hypervisor by itself is free, and can be used as a base OS, /iff/ it works on your hardware.
https://www.vmware.com/products/vsphere-hypervisor/
You probably have to register an account, but afaik that product itself is free.
If you are looking for a simplified C but still want it to compile on standard C compilers, just don't use the features you don't like. Out of curiosity, to which syntactic/semantic corners are you referring?
I'm currently using an HP ProBook 4530s. I've had it about 2 years now, but there are similar models with newer parts. I cannot think of any problems I've had running a linux distro, and I've used several. The only bit of hardware that doesn't work is the fingerprint scanner, but I don't think that worked under Windows either.
Audio in and out works fine. The keyboard works with no hacks. The touchpad supports 3 finger usage.
You can get ProBooks with either an Intel or AMD components; mine has Intel.
Additionally, this laptop is pretty easy to take apart. Pop out the battery, slide the bottom panel off, and you have access to the ram and hard drive. With tools you can access / remove the optical drive and keyboard. I was even able to replace the display. It came with a 1366x768 and I upgraded it to a 1920x1080. HP does have a fairly extensive disassembly manual for it, if that's important to you.
I would definitely look at this line again when I need to get a new laptop.