Thanks to all contributors that made the transition to open-source possible, parse-server is far from dead, getting daily improvements in performance, extensibility (Postgres, push notifications queues...) and ease of use.
We were investigating the issue from another thread. And after, we took the time to contact interested parties (gcloud and Voxer's native crc maintainers). Props to them for their quick responses.
The issue that triggered the rant was closed as it was a clear duplicate from that earlier issue
We've opened another issue to centralize the logs in a civil way. And from investigation, that seems to be an AWS elastic beanstalk toolchain problem when they force an npm rebuild.
So we're kinda stuck there. If anyone has ideas I'm willing to explore!