I'm angry, bitter and resentful towards my cofounder. How to fix?
13 comments
In business you have to make some tough decisions, and nice as being in a startup that you believe in is, your frustration and most of your anger is because you are angry at yourself for either not knowing what to do, or being scared about losing everything, or scared about facing up to someone taking advantage of you.
Here's what I would do in your shoes. The aim is to get his attention as you don't appear to have it when you talk directly to him.
Stop including him in your work, stop including him in important communications with your investors. Ignore his phone calls when you are either too busy to answer them or just not in the mood. If you don't like doing that, answer the phone and say "can I call you back later I'm just in the middle of something". don't call back. Same with emails and facetime et al.
If he does not start to even get slightly concerned about that, you know he's not playing ball... next step protect your position because he's already shafting you:
Start to conduct your work as if you were working alone, and start to set up structures to jump ship to a new set-up without him. Even if you don't use this nuclear option, you'll start to feel much better knowing that you are one step ahead and have it in place.
At no point must you ever mention that you are doing this to anyone at all, not even your investors. If you move you are going to be abandoning the joint project, but the work you put in does not have to disappear. Make sure you can pick-up where you left off (dropbox everything important) and if it comes to it, you can offer your investors the same equity for nothing in the new venture.
Once you realise that most business is a game of chess, and that it can be dog-eat-dog when big money is at stake, then you should not feel bad about these actions.
The problem is that if you let it get personal (which clearly is starting to happen) you already lose. Just make sure you always do what is best for the project and for you, and at least then you can hold your head up, even when it feels wrong. Sometimes you have to be a little bit ruthless to keep your sanity.
One last point, I'm not paranoid about working with people, but I have had a couple of bad experiences that have taught me not to put up with bad behaviour.
Here's what I would do in your shoes. The aim is to get his attention as you don't appear to have it when you talk directly to him.
Stop including him in your work, stop including him in important communications with your investors. Ignore his phone calls when you are either too busy to answer them or just not in the mood. If you don't like doing that, answer the phone and say "can I call you back later I'm just in the middle of something". don't call back. Same with emails and facetime et al.
If he does not start to even get slightly concerned about that, you know he's not playing ball... next step protect your position because he's already shafting you:
Start to conduct your work as if you were working alone, and start to set up structures to jump ship to a new set-up without him. Even if you don't use this nuclear option, you'll start to feel much better knowing that you are one step ahead and have it in place.
At no point must you ever mention that you are doing this to anyone at all, not even your investors. If you move you are going to be abandoning the joint project, but the work you put in does not have to disappear. Make sure you can pick-up where you left off (dropbox everything important) and if it comes to it, you can offer your investors the same equity for nothing in the new venture.
Once you realise that most business is a game of chess, and that it can be dog-eat-dog when big money is at stake, then you should not feel bad about these actions.
The problem is that if you let it get personal (which clearly is starting to happen) you already lose. Just make sure you always do what is best for the project and for you, and at least then you can hold your head up, even when it feels wrong. Sometimes you have to be a little bit ruthless to keep your sanity.
One last point, I'm not paranoid about working with people, but I have had a couple of bad experiences that have taught me not to put up with bad behaviour.
I have been in a very similar situation. Looking back, I wish I had first and foremost stopped putting myself over the edge. Constant overwork and unnecessary sacrifices have deprived me of the ability to properly deal with the problems including the one of undercommitted cofounders.
I wish I could offer you a perfect solution, but I doubt one exists. If your cofounder doesn't care it just means you have a wrong cofounder. But you sound overly stressed and I can tell you it impacts decision making in a really bad way. So if there is any solution, to find it you'll have to get out of the "sacrifice" mode yourself first.
I wish I could offer you a perfect solution, but I doubt one exists. If your cofounder doesn't care it just means you have a wrong cofounder. But you sound overly stressed and I can tell you it impacts decision making in a really bad way. So if there is any solution, to find it you'll have to get out of the "sacrifice" mode yourself first.
I think one of the most difficult aspects of being a founder is attempting to find balance with your life. There is a fine line between driving passion for an idea and 'living' life. Entroyneur's comment here is valuable hindsight - I think many of us put ourselves 'over the edge' because we are so passionate about our projects. I suspect that you have expectations of yourselves and one another that have yet to be discussed. My recommendation would be to sit down and develop a clear understanding of what you 'expect' from him, what you feel you can/are contributing and define how that looks.
I would also encourage you to communicate more with him. Conversations that begin with "I am really frustrated because..." will help you vent your anger constructively without pointing a finger. It may be that you didn't communicate exactly what your expectations were. "I need to know that you are willing to ...." is a good way to let him know what you expect.
Try to define what his needs are and how much time he is willing to dedicate - does it match yours? Put it on paper so that it is visual. Develop a contract of sorts that you both are accountable for.
In the meantime - step back and take a long deep breath. You are not going to 'change' him. Perhaps he has a better understanding of balance than you do at the moment. Understand that this is a trap that many of us fall into when we get excited and passionate. Patience is one of the most difficult lessons that I ..continue.. to learn being a founder.
I would also encourage you to communicate more with him. Conversations that begin with "I am really frustrated because..." will help you vent your anger constructively without pointing a finger. It may be that you didn't communicate exactly what your expectations were. "I need to know that you are willing to ...." is a good way to let him know what you expect.
Try to define what his needs are and how much time he is willing to dedicate - does it match yours? Put it on paper so that it is visual. Develop a contract of sorts that you both are accountable for.
In the meantime - step back and take a long deep breath. You are not going to 'change' him. Perhaps he has a better understanding of balance than you do at the moment. Understand that this is a trap that many of us fall into when we get excited and passionate. Patience is one of the most difficult lessons that I ..continue.. to learn being a founder.
In the long run, your approach to business is unhealthy.
Trust me, it won't end with your co-founder. You'll end up resenting the employee who wants to go home to see their family or the employee who stops at 50 hours a week because that's their limit.
I suggest a bit of a step back. Reevaluate your life and try and slow things down. Don't let your business become what defines you. Business is business, its not your life. Don't get them confused.
I suggest a bit of a step back. Reevaluate your life and try and slow things down. Don't let your business become what defines you. Business is business, its not your life. Don't get them confused.
Work in the same physical space. Setup a nice place where you can both work together, if at all possible. That's probably the only way you're going to really sync up on effort. It builds empathy and camaraderie that remote work can't. It's worth whatever it costs.
Realize that there's probably no startup in the history of man where work was truly 50/50. I bet Brin/Page have their own little bitter grudges with each other about the amount of effort they put in at various times. I know that was the case for Gates/Allen and Jobs/Woz. Some level of resentment may be unavoidable. If you can succeed in spite this you won't care. If you fail you'll blame it on this (but you'll probably be wrong).
It may be hard, but for the success of your company it's important that you learn to overcome things like this. If you have to do 75% of the work to be successful so what? You probably couldn't have done 100% of the work, so that 25% was necessary. Even if you gave up 50% equity it was still a good deal.
The most important thing is that you succeed -- not that everyone contributes the same amount of effort. Startups are all about facing reality as it is and this is part of reality.
Realize that there's probably no startup in the history of man where work was truly 50/50. I bet Brin/Page have their own little bitter grudges with each other about the amount of effort they put in at various times. I know that was the case for Gates/Allen and Jobs/Woz. Some level of resentment may be unavoidable. If you can succeed in spite this you won't care. If you fail you'll blame it on this (but you'll probably be wrong).
It may be hard, but for the success of your company it's important that you learn to overcome things like this. If you have to do 75% of the work to be successful so what? You probably couldn't have done 100% of the work, so that 25% was necessary. Even if you gave up 50% equity it was still a good deal.
The most important thing is that you succeed -- not that everyone contributes the same amount of effort. Startups are all about facing reality as it is and this is part of reality.
I think you need to sit down and make a list of each of your contributions, and how valuable they are, then attempt to have a serious conversation about how your start-up is going, and whether your partnership is the right one to take it forwards.
It might be you need a third person to bring balance between you, or it might be that things are going fine and you're being stressed out over very little.
Having said that, family is more important than money or material success to many people (including myself), so if you say to him "It's your family or this startup, your choice", be prepared for them to walk away.
It might be you need a third person to bring balance between you, or it might be that things are going fine and you're being stressed out over very little.
Having said that, family is more important than money or material success to many people (including myself), so if you say to him "It's your family or this startup, your choice", be prepared for them to walk away.
You can never change people, so your hope for a change is unrealistic and unfair to the both of you. Also if you've resorted to writing rants on a website something is broken, and my bet is that it's past repair.
I think it comes down to that you've realized and now resent that your co-founder hasn't put as much into this and you resent this. There are two ways to deal with this: Either realign the shares/structure of this company to reflect this reality or have a divorce.
Pick one path or another -- come up with a proposal.
I think it comes down to that you've realized and now resent that your co-founder hasn't put as much into this and you resent this. There are two ways to deal with this: Either realign the shares/structure of this company to reflect this reality or have a divorce.
Pick one path or another -- come up with a proposal.
Either find the way to boost up his motivation or tell him he's going to be working part time and his equity will be reduced accordingly (that's assuming, his part time work worth something).
The worst thing to your productivity (after social sites...), is a non productive person next to you.
co-founder who give 100% of himself, gets 50%.
co-founder who don't, does not.
The worst thing to your productivity (after social sites...), is a non productive person next to you.
* s/him/her/Being through a similar situation. My advice would be shut shop, suck up the losses and start fresh. At the end, whatever you and learned in this process is the most valuable thing with you, and so it is with your co-founder.
If you have IP involved, either write if off or agree that both of you an use it without any liability on each other.
The longer this will go on the worse it will get, so just face the reality that this partnership is not working out and start taking corrective action. Good luck!
If you have IP involved, either write if off or agree that both of you an use it without any liability on each other.
The longer this will go on the worse it will get, so just face the reality that this partnership is not working out and start taking corrective action. Good luck!
You a word ("I work than him")
kissy kissy!
Make a list of his important and valuable contributions.
Consider this list and go from there. Specifically I suggest finding contributions of his that you consider valuable that excite him and make him happy. Push him to do more of those things.
Consider this list and go from there. Specifically I suggest finding contributions of his that you consider valuable that excite him and make him happy. Push him to do more of those things.
I can't help you based on experience, but family, social life, leisure time, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, etc. sound like valid reasons. Of course, with good time management, you can have all that and be productive.
If your startup is split 50/50, then you should each be putting in the same amount of work. This is hard to measure in time because some people are a lot more productive than others, and hard to measure in output if you two are focusing on different problems (e.g. software development vs marketing).
Also, no one likes to be constantly nagged at, it makes them feel as if they're being treated as a child. You could be pushing him away without knowing it.
I suggest spending more time socializing, maybe go have fun with your cofounder, and keep your mind off the startup while you're socializing (unless the event is geared towards discussion about the startup). Also try working in the same location rather separately, or working together while at the same location. This could help motivate him.
If your startup is split 50/50, then you should each be putting in the same amount of work. This is hard to measure in time because some people are a lot more productive than others, and hard to measure in output if you two are focusing on different problems (e.g. software development vs marketing).
Also, no one likes to be constantly nagged at, it makes them feel as if they're being treated as a child. You could be pushing him away without knowing it.
I suggest spending more time socializing, maybe go have fun with your cofounder, and keep your mind off the startup while you're socializing (unless the event is geared towards discussion about the startup). Also try working in the same location rather separately, or working together while at the same location. This could help motivate him.
I suspect I work than him (maybe 4 - 6 more hours/day) and I feel like I constantly have to push/drag him to move faster. In addition, this startup is funded by friends and family - MY friends and family. I'm almost worried he has no qualms if we failed and wasted all their money, since he doesn't even know them.
I'm building up so much anger, resentment and bitterness I have no doubt it is unhealthy. I have had several talks with him in which I was very honest, which helped temporarily, but didn't last.
Assuming I still want him to be my cofounder, how can I improve the situation? I'm open to the suggestion that this is actually my problem and that I should change something about myself instead of trying to change him. Should I relax and let go? Spend more time socializing myself instead of constantly working? I'm just worried I won't be able to stop caring and will constantly want to go back to work.
Any suggestions welcome, thank you.