Ask HN: Did you find it hard to date if you immigrated to US?
9 comments
Interesting, this is a topic that very rarely get discussed on this website, but which is probably top of mind for many here.
I am an immigrant myself, I don't think I have anything to complain about, but it is definitively harder to find a date when you're a guy on the West Coast (especially Silicon Valley) than on the east coast or anywhere else... If you are in a place like the Bay Area two things play against you:
* First the gender balance is not in your favor (Not sure how accurate it is, but check that out: http://visualizing.nyc/bay-area-zip-codes-singles-map/ ) no matter what, you will have a limited dating pool.
* Second, Silicon Valley tends to be pretty normative and it sometimes can feel like every male in tech fits a defined stereotype, which is not attractive. It's a cliche but it's one that people believe in.
In terms of solutions, I have two beyond maintaining a good physical appearance. The first one is to cultivate a real and genuine personality and find a way to let it shine by not being shy and unafraid to show who you are (haters be damned). The second one is to truly work on being OK being alone and single!
I am an immigrant myself, I don't think I have anything to complain about, but it is definitively harder to find a date when you're a guy on the West Coast (especially Silicon Valley) than on the east coast or anywhere else... If you are in a place like the Bay Area two things play against you:
* First the gender balance is not in your favor (Not sure how accurate it is, but check that out: http://visualizing.nyc/bay-area-zip-codes-singles-map/ ) no matter what, you will have a limited dating pool.
* Second, Silicon Valley tends to be pretty normative and it sometimes can feel like every male in tech fits a defined stereotype, which is not attractive. It's a cliche but it's one that people believe in.
In terms of solutions, I have two beyond maintaining a good physical appearance. The first one is to cultivate a real and genuine personality and find a way to let it shine by not being shy and unafraid to show who you are (haters be damned). The second one is to truly work on being OK being alone and single!
If you're on an H1-B, then you're a nonimmigrant, not an immigrant.
Anyway, I'm a nonimmigrant too. I found dating a little harder than in other places, but I put it down to being in a city with a lot of options, high achievers, so people can afford to be picky. I ended up with another foreigner - there are plenty of those around too.
Anyway, I'm a nonimmigrant too. I found dating a little harder than in other places, but I put it down to being in a city with a lot of options, high achievers, so people can afford to be picky. I ended up with another foreigner - there are plenty of those around too.
I imagine that it's mostly that folks like folks who are similar to them: similar philosophies, similar religions, similar classes, similar incomes, similar families, similar physical types, similar habits &c. The unfortunate thing for you is that much of America is dissimilar to you. That says nothing wrong about you (or about much of America) — it's just a fact.
It's tough for anyone who's outside the norm (again, no fault attached). You might have some success looking for others who are similarly dissimilar. Perhaps there are meetups for expats from your region of the world in your city?
Good luck!
It's tough for anyone who's outside the norm (again, no fault attached). You might have some success looking for others who are similarly dissimilar. Perhaps there are meetups for expats from your region of the world in your city?
Good luck!
I recommend you read the book Dale's How to Make Friends and Roosh V's "Bang".
Dating game in USA is different from that of India as women essentially judge on 100 paramters if say and Indian/Chinese woman might judge you on 10 parameters. Also USA does not have the kind of inequality other nations have it is perfectly possible that the hot girl you meet is merely a waitress at Danny's.
Silicon Valley is useless as there are very few women here and among most women out there dating they are over-aged. I suggest you make trips to places where there is higher density of liberal arts colleges.
Remember dating is like salesmanship. If you are ugly you might have to approach 70 women to score 1 compared to a blue eyed white guy. But remember that with each failed attempt you will hone your various others skills and you will eventually beat the blue eyed guy like whipped cream! :)
Good luck.
Dating game in USA is different from that of India as women essentially judge on 100 paramters if say and Indian/Chinese woman might judge you on 10 parameters. Also USA does not have the kind of inequality other nations have it is perfectly possible that the hot girl you meet is merely a waitress at Danny's.
Silicon Valley is useless as there are very few women here and among most women out there dating they are over-aged. I suggest you make trips to places where there is higher density of liberal arts colleges.
Remember dating is like salesmanship. If you are ugly you might have to approach 70 women to score 1 compared to a blue eyed white guy. But remember that with each failed attempt you will hone your various others skills and you will eventually beat the blue eyed guy like whipped cream! :)
Good luck.
Looks do matter but they only get you so far. What's more important is how you carry the conversation. You can make up for pretty much everything if you are good with words.
Well to be honest there's a lot of difficulties in dating foreigners. Aside from the skin-color aspect, you've got several things working against you:
1) this is probably the biggest one: different culture. I've dated a couple of foreign women (still am dating one), and the culture difference is definitely an issue. It's a lot to ask someone to just ignore it or put up with it; not everyone is prepared for that or wants to invest the energy needed, or deal with the inevitable issues. Some things to consider here: a) how good is your command of English? (And be realistic here; I've noticed a lot of Indians in particular think their English is great, but from an American perspective it really isn't, with a lot of odd phrasings, odd use of words, etc.) The accent is also an issue. b) How will your family take it? That's a really big issue I've found with people from other cultures: they're young and all into dating interracially, but their parents are completely against it, and that makes things very difficult. That doesn't mean we Americans never have family issues like this (we definitely do), but it's a lot less likely, especially if you're dating within your socioeconomic group (e.g. two white non-religious liberals aren't likely to have serious family issues when they try to get married). c) What kind of food do you like? Not many Americans are going to want to date someone who insists on eating their native food all the time, and never wants to eat a burger or pizza or whatever. There's a bunch more issues under this category, which can make it very hard to live with someone. Dating someone who's different and exotic can be fun, but after you get over the newness and novelty, and start thinking about having a serious relationship and moving in together, these issues will manifest and can break up the relationship. This kind of thing happens with Americans dating Americans too, but with someone from a very different culture you're at a huge disadvantage already, and anyone who's thinking long-term is going to think about this.
2) Looks. It's not just racism; different people are attracted to different types of people and looks. A lot of white men, for instance, are very attracted to far-east Asian women, but not black women. Some people from certain ethnic groups just seem to be more attractive to people from other ethnic groups than people from certain other ethnic groups. Another big factor here, though, is height: this is a lot easier for foreign women than men, because men don't usually care so much if a woman is shorter, but women almost always want to date men who are taller than themselves. Foreign men who aren't from western Europe are going to be at a huge disadvantage here because white American women tend to be rather tall. Finally, what kind of women are you pursuing? White, black, Hispanic? You'll probably have far more success with black women if you have darker skin, but have a good job. Hispanic women might also be interested: they tend to be rather short so a man who isn't really tall can still be taller than them. Sometimes men who are a little lacking in the looks department (but not too much) can compensate with a really great personality that wins over a woman, but that's not easy, esp. if you're trying to meet women online rather than at in-person events.
3) Immigration status. You said you have an H1-B visa. This is already a big red-flag, because it means you're neither a citizen, nor a permanent resident alien ("green card"). You can be deported at almost any time really, especially if something goes badly at your job. How many women really want to date a guy who may or may not be around long-term? If you were a permanent resident, you'd probably have an easier time, though it's hard to say how much.
It really sounds to me like you want to date women casually, rather than looking for a marriage partner; maybe I'm wrong about that. There's plenty of women who like to do that, but those women tend to be both young, and shallow. They're not likely to be interested in someone who isn't extremely attractive to them. I think a lot of foreigners have a perception, probably because of Hollywood, that American women are "easy". This isn't really true. It's true for a certain subset of them, but they're going to be divided into two groups: young women who want a really hot-looking guy to show them a good time (80% of American men who pursue them don't even meet this bar), and desperate women who you probably wouldn't be interested in anyway (fat, ugly, self-esteem problems, etc.). You're not going to hook up with some hot 26 year old woman who's a 9/10 if you're not also a 9/10.
1) this is probably the biggest one: different culture. I've dated a couple of foreign women (still am dating one), and the culture difference is definitely an issue. It's a lot to ask someone to just ignore it or put up with it; not everyone is prepared for that or wants to invest the energy needed, or deal with the inevitable issues. Some things to consider here: a) how good is your command of English? (And be realistic here; I've noticed a lot of Indians in particular think their English is great, but from an American perspective it really isn't, with a lot of odd phrasings, odd use of words, etc.) The accent is also an issue. b) How will your family take it? That's a really big issue I've found with people from other cultures: they're young and all into dating interracially, but their parents are completely against it, and that makes things very difficult. That doesn't mean we Americans never have family issues like this (we definitely do), but it's a lot less likely, especially if you're dating within your socioeconomic group (e.g. two white non-religious liberals aren't likely to have serious family issues when they try to get married). c) What kind of food do you like? Not many Americans are going to want to date someone who insists on eating their native food all the time, and never wants to eat a burger or pizza or whatever. There's a bunch more issues under this category, which can make it very hard to live with someone. Dating someone who's different and exotic can be fun, but after you get over the newness and novelty, and start thinking about having a serious relationship and moving in together, these issues will manifest and can break up the relationship. This kind of thing happens with Americans dating Americans too, but with someone from a very different culture you're at a huge disadvantage already, and anyone who's thinking long-term is going to think about this.
2) Looks. It's not just racism; different people are attracted to different types of people and looks. A lot of white men, for instance, are very attracted to far-east Asian women, but not black women. Some people from certain ethnic groups just seem to be more attractive to people from other ethnic groups than people from certain other ethnic groups. Another big factor here, though, is height: this is a lot easier for foreign women than men, because men don't usually care so much if a woman is shorter, but women almost always want to date men who are taller than themselves. Foreign men who aren't from western Europe are going to be at a huge disadvantage here because white American women tend to be rather tall. Finally, what kind of women are you pursuing? White, black, Hispanic? You'll probably have far more success with black women if you have darker skin, but have a good job. Hispanic women might also be interested: they tend to be rather short so a man who isn't really tall can still be taller than them. Sometimes men who are a little lacking in the looks department (but not too much) can compensate with a really great personality that wins over a woman, but that's not easy, esp. if you're trying to meet women online rather than at in-person events.
3) Immigration status. You said you have an H1-B visa. This is already a big red-flag, because it means you're neither a citizen, nor a permanent resident alien ("green card"). You can be deported at almost any time really, especially if something goes badly at your job. How many women really want to date a guy who may or may not be around long-term? If you were a permanent resident, you'd probably have an easier time, though it's hard to say how much.
It really sounds to me like you want to date women casually, rather than looking for a marriage partner; maybe I'm wrong about that. There's plenty of women who like to do that, but those women tend to be both young, and shallow. They're not likely to be interested in someone who isn't extremely attractive to them. I think a lot of foreigners have a perception, probably because of Hollywood, that American women are "easy". This isn't really true. It's true for a certain subset of them, but they're going to be divided into two groups: young women who want a really hot-looking guy to show them a good time (80% of American men who pursue them don't even meet this bar), and desperate women who you probably wouldn't be interested in anyway (fat, ugly, self-esteem problems, etc.). You're not going to hook up with some hot 26 year old woman who's a 9/10 if you're not also a 9/10.
I am from here, so I can't give you relevant experiences, but your question leaves a lot out. What is dating like where you came from before, and what was your success rate there, and what aspects of a relationship do you consider to be "success"? Is your goal a short term relationship or a long term one? Are you measuring your disappointment against what you are used to or what you imagined it would be like here or what you see? Specifically what I'm thinking is, when western women travel to Arab countries or to India (or many other places) where the sexual mores are more conservative, their behavior might be considered "promiscuous" by local standards. Are you judging women here on a basis that they seem to be available and they are not interested?
Or, are you dark skinned but come from places in Europe where you feel more integrated socially and you feel less integrated here? You could have moved from a more liberal place to a more conservative one. Are there other people here from your country here that you could ask how they are doing, or are you simply looking for the magic formula here because it looks to you like the people around you are dating and you want in on it too? We have many skin colors here, with many cultures represented, have you tried socializing with enough different groups here?
I'm not judging, I just wouldn't know where to begin answering your question if I had the relevant information. I'll tell you this, women here who care about "top companies" probably also care about other social status signs, and they might not consider most foreigners to have the social status they would be seeking, so you may be trying to appeal to the wrong groups in the wrong way. I'm not judging them either.
Or, are you dark skinned but come from places in Europe where you feel more integrated socially and you feel less integrated here? You could have moved from a more liberal place to a more conservative one. Are there other people here from your country here that you could ask how they are doing, or are you simply looking for the magic formula here because it looks to you like the people around you are dating and you want in on it too? We have many skin colors here, with many cultures represented, have you tried socializing with enough different groups here?
I'm not judging, I just wouldn't know where to begin answering your question if I had the relevant information. I'll tell you this, women here who care about "top companies" probably also care about other social status signs, and they might not consider most foreigners to have the social status they would be seeking, so you may be trying to appeal to the wrong groups in the wrong way. I'm not judging them either.
Once I get started, I am pretty funny guy. I guess in US looks matter a lot when everyone around you is 10x handsome.
I am in shape and very hygienic kind of guy. But,still its hard to get a match.
What are your experiences if you have immigranted to US.