Ask HN: Becoming more confident?
21 comments
I hope this doesn't come off as sexist or anything like that, but I've been really working on my confidence for the last year. I'm a bit of an introvert, and feel more comfortable around computers and talking through text messages than I usually did being around people. It actually made me a little bit paranoid in thinking about how others perceived me.
As a result, I began watching a bunch of "pickup artist" videos on YouTube. While I completely disagree with their goals, I admire the confidence of many of the people who do that. I think my favorite was this video on YouTube: http://youtu.be/1mRM1VwUiYA It got me thinking, and so I made the goal that I would get a girl's number every day for a week last March.
That week I really worked to make the goal happen. Walking around my college campus, I went out of my way to walk next to girls I thought were attractive, and sat next to them in our food court for lunch, and in the library. Originally I had thought that they would all turn me down or at least seem a bit annoyed about it, but by the end of the week one had told me she was married, one said she had a boyfriend, and none of them seemed the least bit annoyed about it.
At the end of the week, I had set up dates with seven different girls, and had 12 different phone numbers. To be honest, it was a bit overwhelming. I kept forgetting which of them said what, and confused their names and other bits of information. I asked three on second dates, two of those on a third date, and only one on another date after that. In the end, I didn't end up dating any of them, but the experience was extremely valuable.
I seriously stand up straighter than I used to now, and I'm not as afraid to talk to anyone. A friend and I looked to launch a startup that would help students on campus, so I spent a day on campus surveying random students walking around between buildings. I now average about a date a week with girls I'm actually attracted to. And I really have no problem talking to anyone.
The goal I set probably isn't right for everyone, but set a goal that is right for you. Speak to one random person a day and get their contact info. Your network would grow by thousands by the end of the year (including second- and third-degree connections).
As a result, I began watching a bunch of "pickup artist" videos on YouTube. While I completely disagree with their goals, I admire the confidence of many of the people who do that. I think my favorite was this video on YouTube: http://youtu.be/1mRM1VwUiYA It got me thinking, and so I made the goal that I would get a girl's number every day for a week last March.
That week I really worked to make the goal happen. Walking around my college campus, I went out of my way to walk next to girls I thought were attractive, and sat next to them in our food court for lunch, and in the library. Originally I had thought that they would all turn me down or at least seem a bit annoyed about it, but by the end of the week one had told me she was married, one said she had a boyfriend, and none of them seemed the least bit annoyed about it.
At the end of the week, I had set up dates with seven different girls, and had 12 different phone numbers. To be honest, it was a bit overwhelming. I kept forgetting which of them said what, and confused their names and other bits of information. I asked three on second dates, two of those on a third date, and only one on another date after that. In the end, I didn't end up dating any of them, but the experience was extremely valuable.
I seriously stand up straighter than I used to now, and I'm not as afraid to talk to anyone. A friend and I looked to launch a startup that would help students on campus, so I spent a day on campus surveying random students walking around between buildings. I now average about a date a week with girls I'm actually attracted to. And I really have no problem talking to anyone.
The goal I set probably isn't right for everyone, but set a goal that is right for you. Speak to one random person a day and get their contact info. Your network would grow by thousands by the end of the year (including second- and third-degree connections).
Confidence is really just the ability to be comfortable with the person you are. I would suspect this is why you are confident with your friends but not with other people. When you are with your friends, you are comfortable with what you say, how you act, what they are thinking but with other people, you are probably second guessing some aspect of your nature.
If you want to be confident with a wider group of people, you need to understand what part of you are you not comfortable showing to other people. For some people, it is physical. They do not believe they are attractive enough and so it holds them back. For some, it is intellectual, "what if I say something dumb or unimpressive". There are a myriad of possibilities and it is probably a good use of your time to understand what your issues are (and why you have those hangups).
There are a number ways to deal with your hang ups. One way that works is to apply brute force. Just act inspite of your anxiety. I suspect that a majority of people that appear really confident just take this approach. They're scared but just do it anyway.
Another approach is to try and remove the root of the fear altogether. Some people do that by actually courting failure. You think people are judging your intellect, then say the dumbest thing you can think of and see what happens. Scared people don't think you're good looking, approach people completely out of your league. The idea is to actively cause the situation you are afraid of so that you can experience it (instead of imagining it) and realize it isn't so bad.
Whichever approach you decide to take, I would suggest you ensure you do take action to deal with it. Anxiety has a way of making you feel like crap, which leads to further inaction, leading to more anxiety and then a spiral of regret and wasted time. The truth is there is not much that can happen to you that will crush you completely. Time and the love of a few heals all wounds.
Good luck!
If you want to be confident with a wider group of people, you need to understand what part of you are you not comfortable showing to other people. For some people, it is physical. They do not believe they are attractive enough and so it holds them back. For some, it is intellectual, "what if I say something dumb or unimpressive". There are a myriad of possibilities and it is probably a good use of your time to understand what your issues are (and why you have those hangups).
There are a number ways to deal with your hang ups. One way that works is to apply brute force. Just act inspite of your anxiety. I suspect that a majority of people that appear really confident just take this approach. They're scared but just do it anyway.
Another approach is to try and remove the root of the fear altogether. Some people do that by actually courting failure. You think people are judging your intellect, then say the dumbest thing you can think of and see what happens. Scared people don't think you're good looking, approach people completely out of your league. The idea is to actively cause the situation you are afraid of so that you can experience it (instead of imagining it) and realize it isn't so bad.
Whichever approach you decide to take, I would suggest you ensure you do take action to deal with it. Anxiety has a way of making you feel like crap, which leads to further inaction, leading to more anxiety and then a spiral of regret and wasted time. The truth is there is not much that can happen to you that will crush you completely. Time and the love of a few heals all wounds.
Good luck!
I have been shy for years, slowly getting less shy. The more confident I get, the more of what I want in life I get, and I still have a long way to go.
What I found helped is just going out there and doing those excruciatingly uncomfortable things. Asking boys/girls out, asking for a pay rise, public speaking etc.
However you WILL absolutely need some kind of moral support.
If friends and family are not helping then go find some friends that will. Get away from negativity from other people that can be holding you back. That is a massive topic in itself. Hopefully you are not dealing with that problem too.
A great positive example is Toastmasters. Participate and you will get better at public speaking. It will reduce it from a deathly experience to mild anxiety! More importantly thought the people there WILL encourage you and forgive your for forgetting your lines or being shy or whatever. Keep going and you will get more comfortable and you won't get derailed.
Getting some kind of therapist or psychologist to help you can be a good idea. Because getting over shyness is a hard knocks experience and you need this assistance. It doesn't mean you are crazy / mentally challenged etc. It means you are investing in your own personal development.
Also to reiterate the point - pick your friends wisely - try to associate with people who will encourage you be more confident. Also having some confident, easy going friends who you can emulate will help. Humans learn by imitation. Pick (or dump!) your partner wisely for the same reasons.
What I found helped is just going out there and doing those excruciatingly uncomfortable things. Asking boys/girls out, asking for a pay rise, public speaking etc.
However you WILL absolutely need some kind of moral support.
If friends and family are not helping then go find some friends that will. Get away from negativity from other people that can be holding you back. That is a massive topic in itself. Hopefully you are not dealing with that problem too.
A great positive example is Toastmasters. Participate and you will get better at public speaking. It will reduce it from a deathly experience to mild anxiety! More importantly thought the people there WILL encourage you and forgive your for forgetting your lines or being shy or whatever. Keep going and you will get more comfortable and you won't get derailed.
Getting some kind of therapist or psychologist to help you can be a good idea. Because getting over shyness is a hard knocks experience and you need this assistance. It doesn't mean you are crazy / mentally challenged etc. It means you are investing in your own personal development.
Also to reiterate the point - pick your friends wisely - try to associate with people who will encourage you be more confident. Also having some confident, easy going friends who you can emulate will help. Humans learn by imitation. Pick (or dump!) your partner wisely for the same reasons.
I just read No More Mr Nice Guy[1] and recommend it. I rarely agree 100% with everything in a book, and 90% of this book was spot-on for me. I'll try to summarize some of the advice from the book.
* "Nice Guys" are pushovers because they weigh every action by what would make their lives the most conflict free. Instead, do what you think is best, even if it's scary.
* "Nice Guys" seek the approval of everyone around them, especially women, for every action they take. Instead, do what you think is best, even if it's scary.
* "Nice Guys" often hide the truth (of what they think, feel or have done) in order to avoid conflict. Instead, be honest, even if it's scary.
* You, and nobody else, are responsible for meeting your needs.
* It is healthy and OK to put your own needs first.
* It is OK to ask people for help meeting your needs.
* It is OK to set firm boundaries and tell people "no", and it in fact garners respect, even if people fight it initially.
* We live in a world of abundance, and there is no need to be controlling and manipulative to try to keep what you already have.
[1]: http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438C...
* "Nice Guys" are pushovers because they weigh every action by what would make their lives the most conflict free. Instead, do what you think is best, even if it's scary.
* "Nice Guys" seek the approval of everyone around them, especially women, for every action they take. Instead, do what you think is best, even if it's scary.
* "Nice Guys" often hide the truth (of what they think, feel or have done) in order to avoid conflict. Instead, be honest, even if it's scary.
* You, and nobody else, are responsible for meeting your needs.
* It is healthy and OK to put your own needs first.
* It is OK to ask people for help meeting your needs.
* It is OK to set firm boundaries and tell people "no", and it in fact garners respect, even if people fight it initially.
* We live in a world of abundance, and there is no need to be controlling and manipulative to try to keep what you already have.
[1]: http://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy-ebook/dp/B004C438C...
> It is OK to set firm boundaries and tell people "no", and it in fact garners respect, even if people fight it initially.
This is the bit that's never made sense to me. It has not been my experience that I respect people who stick to their guns more than I respect those who are flexible and willing to listen - quite the opposite.
To put it differently, if someone is talking on their cell phone in the theatre and you ask them to stop, are you going to respect them more if they keep chatting through the rest of the film?
This is the bit that's never made sense to me. It has not been my experience that I respect people who stick to their guns more than I respect those who are flexible and willing to listen - quite the opposite.
To put it differently, if someone is talking on their cell phone in the theatre and you ask them to stop, are you going to respect them more if they keep chatting through the rest of the film?
Of course not. That's not really a boundary, that's just someone being an ass. I consider a boundary to be a personal limit that is decided ahead of time, which preferably is communicated ahead of time. An example would be if we look at the above situation from the theater's perspective. Imagine there are two theaters, both of which ask patrons to not talk on their cellphones. Someone starts talking on their phone anyway. Which theater would you respect more:
One that reiterates the request until the patron finishes their conversation, but takes no action.
One that kicks a patron out for breaking the rule, with 0 warnings.
It's the second one, right? Because they enforce their boundaries. It's the same way with people... I respect people more when they say they're going to do something, and then they really do it. That's someone who is trustworthy and reliable. You may not agree with their decisions, but at least you know they have integrity. What kind of boss would you prefer to have? One that will stick to their guns about what they say, or one that won't? The one that sticks to their guns can be counted on to stick up for you when their boss tries to pull on over on your team. What kind of person's word would you take more seriously? What kind of person's words carry more weight and importance? It's someone who is willing to stand up for themselves and tell people "no" if needed.
One that reiterates the request until the patron finishes their conversation, but takes no action.
One that kicks a patron out for breaking the rule, with 0 warnings.
It's the second one, right? Because they enforce their boundaries. It's the same way with people... I respect people more when they say they're going to do something, and then they really do it. That's someone who is trustworthy and reliable. You may not agree with their decisions, but at least you know they have integrity. What kind of boss would you prefer to have? One that will stick to their guns about what they say, or one that won't? The one that sticks to their guns can be counted on to stick up for you when their boss tries to pull on over on your team. What kind of person's word would you take more seriously? What kind of person's words carry more weight and importance? It's someone who is willing to stand up for themselves and tell people "no" if needed.
My suggestion would be to think of confidence as if it were a skill and, like any skill, practice makes perfect.
The fact that you have recognized an area of your life that you want to improve and even specific situations where you know you can/want to work on it is half the battle. The other half is making a conscious effort to be more confident and less shy when these situations arise. Part of this is fake-it-til-you-make-it, and part of it is re-wiring your brain to be open, communicative and confident in these situations instead of shy and/or anxious.
As far as a book recommendation goes, I read a neuroscience book (written for the layman) that while not dealing with this topic directly, will definitely provide you the knowledge and understanding of how to improve. It's called "The Brain That Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge. It's about neuroplasticity, how it works and how you can use it to change your habits, behaviours & skills.
This has been one of the most impacting books I've read in my life. I have purchased more than 10 copies for family and friends and everyone who has read it has come away amazed and able to make almost any positive change in their life.
Cheers & good luck!
The fact that you have recognized an area of your life that you want to improve and even specific situations where you know you can/want to work on it is half the battle. The other half is making a conscious effort to be more confident and less shy when these situations arise. Part of this is fake-it-til-you-make-it, and part of it is re-wiring your brain to be open, communicative and confident in these situations instead of shy and/or anxious.
As far as a book recommendation goes, I read a neuroscience book (written for the layman) that while not dealing with this topic directly, will definitely provide you the knowledge and understanding of how to improve. It's called "The Brain That Changes Itself" by Norman Doidge. It's about neuroplasticity, how it works and how you can use it to change your habits, behaviours & skills.
This has been one of the most impacting books I've read in my life. I have purchased more than 10 copies for family and friends and everyone who has read it has come away amazed and able to make almost any positive change in their life.
Cheers & good luck!
Hey, confidence is a broad topic made up of a lot of skills, habits and forces. Think of it as an ecosystem of parts... To speak simply, it comes and goes. Like waves. No one is 100% confident all the time. You're 'secure' around people you hang out with because you're comfortable around them the same with the area you focus on. That's not confidence. Confidence is elusive and reacts well with the unknown. You cannot play safe with confidence. You have to go outside the barriers and push limits further than you can imagine. No one can guarantee confidence, but you, its a road of bumps and bruises. Hit the gym, work on your appearance, take daily risks and expand your knowledge, you'll feel better about yourself to harness the power and responsibility that comes with confidence. Which most don't. Most people fake it to make it. This doesn't work. It's like building a robust program. Strong code, strong functionality, Great User Interface. You got a hit. Fight for something in your life. That's a huge one, that's where passion lives.
Check out a book called Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Those are the 13 skills to master to become confident. Real World Experience that you can use immediately. Books on Leadership is another great resource.
Think and Grow Rich is a classic and I'd also recommend reading it. But it's less about Confidence and more centrally about Drive. What makes this a good recommendation though is that Drive, in my experience, renders Confidence essentially moot. If you're sufficiently driven, you won't let low confidence or low self-esteem get in the way of getting what you want/winning. But that said, Drive doesn't help you be more successful/participatory in a team meeting.
I think Drive and Confidence are mutually exclusive. Being confident without drive is being smug and complacent. Being driven without confidence teeders on the line of reckless arrogance Think and Grow Rich is for people who have lost all hope. It was written in the Depression era. The secret ingredient, that he doesn't refer to that all the 13 principles add up to, in my opinion, is Confidence. Confidence to save money, Confidence in creating desire in yourself. Even people who have lost their limbs and continue to be self-sufficient, it's confidence. Check out a book called StartUp Leadership by Derek Lidow, Drive doesn't always have to be Forward and Determined.. It's more of Letting your actions of taking a project or helping a project being the best it can be. Team Drive is extremely powerful. Hence importance of Culture in organizations... Where in Canada are you from? I'm From Calgary,AB
Interesting perspective. It would be interesting to try to understand which of our biases led us both to each of our conclusions. I really felt/feel strongly that the book was about Drive.. but anyway, that's not exactly a discussion to have on HN haha.
To answer your question, I'm originally from Toronto but living in Montreal now. You should consider moving out here :) (I would say that to anyone from Calgary haha)
To answer your question, I'm originally from Toronto but living in Montreal now. You should consider moving out here :) (I would say that to anyone from Calgary haha)
Well there is good confidence and bad confidence. :-)
If you are like me you are rational and skeptical, willing to be proven wrong, but stubborn in holding opinions you believe in. If you are slow to form opinions, you may not seem very confident, at least until you are sure about something. And even then sometimes you may be confident about an opinion but you're uncertain what will happen if you express it, so you keep quiet.
If you're like this, then I think a lot of the advice in this thread is good. Your confidence will improve with practice and familiarity. Try politely disagreeing with your boss. Try inviting some women for coffee. Choose low-risk circumstances until you get used to it and prove that nothing terrible will happen and you'll survive. The good news is that as you get older it gets easier, sort of automatically. I'm 37 and there is a lot more I'm confident doing now than when I was 25.
I still have a hard time looking people in the eyes. Maybe it's confidence, but mostly I think it's just too hard to think about doing that and think about what I'm saying at the same time. I don't know how others do it! I look at people while they're talking, but as soon as it's my turn I forget.
What I'm trying to say is that most likely there is nothing wrong with you. Probably you are just fine as you are. Thank goodness for self-doubting, open-minded, thoughtful people! So instead of trying to change your personality, try changing your basis for being confident or not. Be patient and don't feel bad at it. It gets easier.
If you are like me you are rational and skeptical, willing to be proven wrong, but stubborn in holding opinions you believe in. If you are slow to form opinions, you may not seem very confident, at least until you are sure about something. And even then sometimes you may be confident about an opinion but you're uncertain what will happen if you express it, so you keep quiet.
If you're like this, then I think a lot of the advice in this thread is good. Your confidence will improve with practice and familiarity. Try politely disagreeing with your boss. Try inviting some women for coffee. Choose low-risk circumstances until you get used to it and prove that nothing terrible will happen and you'll survive. The good news is that as you get older it gets easier, sort of automatically. I'm 37 and there is a lot more I'm confident doing now than when I was 25.
I still have a hard time looking people in the eyes. Maybe it's confidence, but mostly I think it's just too hard to think about doing that and think about what I'm saying at the same time. I don't know how others do it! I look at people while they're talking, but as soon as it's my turn I forget.
What I'm trying to say is that most likely there is nothing wrong with you. Probably you are just fine as you are. Thank goodness for self-doubting, open-minded, thoughtful people! So instead of trying to change your personality, try changing your basis for being confident or not. Be patient and don't feel bad at it. It gets easier.
I'm over 40, but was once like you. I am also lazy, so I'll be brief:
* Do things, gain experiences. Build robots, take a rock climbing class, go on random hikes, take a dancing class and own your lack of dancing skills. Experiences build a more interesting you, which in turn provides for more interesting things to talk about.
* Read more books on a diverse set of topics that interest you. Watch much less TV (some TV is important from a conversational stance), play far less video games.
* Talk to random people regularly. People next to you in line, the homeless guy that asks you for spare change, maybe even a woman that you do or don't find attractive (this was an excellent crutch in my youth for gaining confidence and it made me realize how deep women were).
* Fake it til you make it.
* Study Buddhism. Learn how materialism and attachment affect you and work to fix it. When you do, external variables will have less of a power to drag you down should something go wrong.
* Realize that everyone else has their own inadequacies and issues behind the facade they present, even people like Obama. And that's OK, it's what makes humans beautiful and interesting.
* Do things, gain experiences. Build robots, take a rock climbing class, go on random hikes, take a dancing class and own your lack of dancing skills. Experiences build a more interesting you, which in turn provides for more interesting things to talk about.
* Read more books on a diverse set of topics that interest you. Watch much less TV (some TV is important from a conversational stance), play far less video games.
* Talk to random people regularly. People next to you in line, the homeless guy that asks you for spare change, maybe even a woman that you do or don't find attractive (this was an excellent crutch in my youth for gaining confidence and it made me realize how deep women were).
* Fake it til you make it.
* Study Buddhism. Learn how materialism and attachment affect you and work to fix it. When you do, external variables will have less of a power to drag you down should something go wrong.
* Realize that everyone else has their own inadequacies and issues behind the facade they present, even people like Obama. And that's OK, it's what makes humans beautiful and interesting.
Hey, I know how it feels. I'm generally much more confident that I used to be, but I definitely have gone through stages of shyness that have lasted for a while. Im a 27 yr olds designer/ developer/massive code geek.
For me, what really really helped and now I can't get past 2 or 3 days without doing it is exercise..
I'm not sure if you include exercise in your weekly routine but seriously man.. it saved me. I started with cardio circuits purely for a mental boost, and energy spark and it sorted me right out. After a while I became more confident in myself and then moved on to weights an it really helps!!
Good luck.
For me, what really really helped and now I can't get past 2 or 3 days without doing it is exercise..
I'm not sure if you include exercise in your weekly routine but seriously man.. it saved me. I started with cardio circuits purely for a mental boost, and energy spark and it sorted me right out. After a while I became more confident in myself and then moved on to weights an it really helps!!
Good luck.
Try reading these articles, or articles by Dave Tate.
http://www.t-nation.com/powerful-words/confidence-switch http://www.t-nation.com/training/five-tools-of-mental-streng...
Maybe working out and getting physically strong would help you as it helped these guys?
http://www.t-nation.com/powerful-words/confidence-switch http://www.t-nation.com/training/five-tools-of-mental-streng...
Maybe working out and getting physically strong would help you as it helped these guys?
Something that hasn't been mentioned: Meditate! It can help understand yourself better and become more peaceful. It's not nonsense!
I've always hated talking to my bosses. It was until I left my current job, then came back did I feel confident talking to a boss. I think the familiarity helped a lot with that. Also it helps that his personality is very similar to mine so its more so I'm talking to a friend, whom I have to report to.
I don't know how helpful it may be for you, but getting involved in acting, theater, and live action roleplaying really helped bolster my social confidence.
Go out every day.
And speak to one random person.
Every day.
Do that for a few weeks and you'll slowly build more confidenece
This is great advice that helps/improves all kinds of things: fear of rejection, meeting new people/forming new relationships, dating, gaining perspective, learning languages, etc.
It's simple and more people than you'd think will engage with you.
It's simple and more people than you'd think will engage with you.
MY advice will be to be arrogant try to be arrogant and see all people below you even if deep in you , you know it's not true , but just fake it so you can gain more confidence .
I'm a 25 years old male programmer and I want to ask you if there is someone among you who fought with shyness and win.
The reason I'm asking you this is because I'm a really shy person like a lot of programmers out there. Although I'm confident around close friends, I'm really anxious around other people.
It was never a real problem for me. I mean, every well raised kid should have an amount of shyness in him. At least this is what I thought. But it's really pissing me off since I started working. I don't want to have a mediocre career just because I'm afraid of expressing myself.
When interacting with my boss or other colleagues my voice is weak, I cannot look people in the eyes and even worse sometimes I fail to give proper answers just because of this anxiety.
Now I'm just having this feeling I'm living only half of my life. And I don't want to use alcohol or drugs to be more confident(even though they work sometimes).
So if someone became confident I would really appreciate to hear his/her story. Also book/posts are very welcomed. Thank you very much.
ps. I'm sorry for my english. It's not my native language.