Ask HN: How to ensure I don't let my parents down and do the best I can?
5 comments
You can't predict the future (I will caveat this by saying I have faith in my religious beliefs, and what the future will look like, but this is another discussion).
Although we can't predict the future we can observe well known facts. There is a link between a better educated society and a more prosperous society. There is a link between hard work and prosperity. It is also true to say that timing is a key factor in the world of business.
Knowing these links the best thing you can do is continue to work hard as you have been. Those who guarantee success by a particular method are either selling you something or assuming their story is your story.
Work hard and do your best, all you can do.
Although we can't predict the future we can observe well known facts. There is a link between a better educated society and a more prosperous society. There is a link between hard work and prosperity. It is also true to say that timing is a key factor in the world of business.
Knowing these links the best thing you can do is continue to work hard as you have been. Those who guarantee success by a particular method are either selling you something or assuming their story is your story.
Work hard and do your best, all you can do.
You are not letting them down if you are already thinking this way. Kudos to you young fella
Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate them, also would there be any advice you'd also offer to keep going along and not letting the fear failure affect my work and mindset?
I'm reading you want to try hard, measure up to your parents' expectations, and go to college. But, what are YOU wanting? What do you hope to accomplish by going to college? Why is all this important to you?
1. Talk to more people about how you're feeling. Posting here was a good idea. You'll generally find support here. But talk to your parents about this. Talk to other adults. If you have a therapist or similar counsellor available to you, talk to them about it (you don't have to have "a problem" to have a therapist btw). Absolutely do not pen this up inside of you or it will eat you, making your fears more likely to become real.
2. Let go. You are ultimately not in control of what happens for you (not "to" you). You only have control over your beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors. If it doesn't work out, but you worked really hard, what do you have to be guilty about? Also, do not let your career success be your self worth. Your parents love you and so do other people. That won't change (for the vast majority of people) if you disappoint them.
3. Don't give up if something doesn't go the way you want it to. This is where failure really happens. Listen, it took me way more years than it was supposed to, to finish college. It sounds like your father also understands this kind of thing. If something doesn't go how you want, take a deep breath, focus on the things that make you happy, and then go back and try again. Maybe try something different, or try the same thing in a different way. But try again. Real life success does not come from an unbroken series of victories. I read that when NASA selects astronauts, one of the things they look for is a history of difficulties and failures that were later overcome. While I was looking this up, I found many stories of astronauts that were rejected from NASA dozens of times before they finally made it into the program.
4. Don't work all the time. Your days, weeks, and quarters should look like starting from a place of rest, ratcheting up your energy levels and work outputs, then ratcheting down back to a place of rest. Have fun. Spend time with friends. Play (do things with no career value just for pleasure). Relax. Watch TV. When you have to work many hours in a row, know when enough is enough and just stop.
5. Related to this, care for yourself physically. Get regular exercise. Take care of your hygiene. Take care of your appearance. Relax as completely as you can. Make sure you're sleeping the right number of hours and with good quality (there are many things you can do to improve your sleep quality. Google this.) For me personally, a lot of this stuff feels like work. But when I get into good habits, it starts to feel instead like I'm truly living.
6. Adopt self-love. This manifests in your beliefs about yourself. Really, your question "How do I ensure that I do everything I possibly can...?" is about not believing in yourself. Believe in yourself. Tell yourself how much you believe in yourself. Advocate for yourself and what you need. You are a very complex being with many unconscious processes that are very interesting to learn about. Your needs do not always show themselves in obvious ways. So pay attention to what your body, emotions, and mind are telling you (without believing every silly thing your mind says), as if you were your own child that you are caring for. One thing that helps here is to listen to wise teachers who speak with kindness and universal love. I like Thic Nhat Hanh's lessons.
7. When you have started to do all of the above, your body and mind will function with greater rigor and clarity, from a place of peace and health. From here you will be more prepared to attain your goals. Now apply the basic strategies of study and work. Be efficient with your reading by first scanning, then skimming and finally reading. Space out your studies instead of cramming. You need to understand how your mind retains information, by gradually layering details onto a tree-like structure of knowledge and understanding. Work problems with your hands, on paper. Teach other people. Use mnemonics. All of these skills can be learned and will accelerate your success.
2. Let go. You are ultimately not in control of what happens for you (not "to" you). You only have control over your beliefs, thoughts, and behaviors. If it doesn't work out, but you worked really hard, what do you have to be guilty about? Also, do not let your career success be your self worth. Your parents love you and so do other people. That won't change (for the vast majority of people) if you disappoint them.
3. Don't give up if something doesn't go the way you want it to. This is where failure really happens. Listen, it took me way more years than it was supposed to, to finish college. It sounds like your father also understands this kind of thing. If something doesn't go how you want, take a deep breath, focus on the things that make you happy, and then go back and try again. Maybe try something different, or try the same thing in a different way. But try again. Real life success does not come from an unbroken series of victories. I read that when NASA selects astronauts, one of the things they look for is a history of difficulties and failures that were later overcome. While I was looking this up, I found many stories of astronauts that were rejected from NASA dozens of times before they finally made it into the program.
4. Don't work all the time. Your days, weeks, and quarters should look like starting from a place of rest, ratcheting up your energy levels and work outputs, then ratcheting down back to a place of rest. Have fun. Spend time with friends. Play (do things with no career value just for pleasure). Relax. Watch TV. When you have to work many hours in a row, know when enough is enough and just stop.
5. Related to this, care for yourself physically. Get regular exercise. Take care of your hygiene. Take care of your appearance. Relax as completely as you can. Make sure you're sleeping the right number of hours and with good quality (there are many things you can do to improve your sleep quality. Google this.) For me personally, a lot of this stuff feels like work. But when I get into good habits, it starts to feel instead like I'm truly living.
6. Adopt self-love. This manifests in your beliefs about yourself. Really, your question "How do I ensure that I do everything I possibly can...?" is about not believing in yourself. Believe in yourself. Tell yourself how much you believe in yourself. Advocate for yourself and what you need. You are a very complex being with many unconscious processes that are very interesting to learn about. Your needs do not always show themselves in obvious ways. So pay attention to what your body, emotions, and mind are telling you (without believing every silly thing your mind says), as if you were your own child that you are caring for. One thing that helps here is to listen to wise teachers who speak with kindness and universal love. I like Thic Nhat Hanh's lessons.
7. When you have started to do all of the above, your body and mind will function with greater rigor and clarity, from a place of peace and health. From here you will be more prepared to attain your goals. Now apply the basic strategies of study and work. Be efficient with your reading by first scanning, then skimming and finally reading. Space out your studies instead of cramming. You need to understand how your mind retains information, by gradually layering details onto a tree-like structure of knowledge and understanding. Work problems with your hands, on paper. Teach other people. Use mnemonics. All of these skills can be learned and will accelerate your success.
First of all, thank you so so much for taking the time to read this and reply.
Regarding talking to people, yes I'll probably talk to adults I trust and am close with.
Regarding 2) I think the problem there is I really want to make a change in this society for the better and want to be remembered for doing something good and this has led to me thinking that career success is an accurate metric for this, even though it isn't.
Regarding 4,5,6 I'll surely actively work on including that in my daily schedule.
Lastly thank you again for this great advice
Regarding 2) I think the problem there is I really want to make a change in this society for the better and want to be remembered for doing something good and this has led to me thinking that career success is an accurate metric for this, even though it isn't.
Regarding 4,5,6 I'll surely actively work on including that in my daily schedule.
Lastly thank you again for this great advice
> I really want to make a change in this society for the better and want to be remembered for doing something good
Most of us want these things. But we have no control over them. Even if we live our absolute best with no mistakes, we still may not make a big impact or be remembered for more than one generation. This is simply not possible for us to control.
All we can do is give ourselves to what is in front of us. The best way to do this is to simply work to do better now than we did in the past.
Most of us want these things. But we have no control over them. Even if we live our absolute best with no mistakes, we still may not make a big impact or be remembered for more than one generation. This is simply not possible for us to control.
All we can do is give ourselves to what is in front of us. The best way to do this is to simply work to do better now than we did in the past.
I’m currently in 11th grade and have high ambitions of pursuing my higher education abroad preferably in the US. I’ve had this dream since childhood and this incentivised me to always work hard in class in do my best in various activities. Recently I’ve been discussing finances, profile strength, and the like with my parents.
My parents are extremely supportive of me and always want to provide me with the best of the resources they’re capable of providing. This includes: finding the best academic tutors for me, paying for summer programs and many more similar activities.
Regarding college applications, we were looking for college counsellors and services that would help increase my chances and further work towards achieving my goal. With this being said, we looked at a few ranging from over 5 thousand dollars to 16 thousand dollars being the maximum. Keep in mind these programs are way above what my family would be comfortable providing and the kids attending here usually have parents who are in the C - Level in large companies and the upper-class income bracket. No one I know in my immediate friend group is paying remotely close to this amount and is looking for cheaper/affordable options which are more flexible. I even have a younger brother who’s probably going to study in the US, considering he’s a US citizen.
It comes as no surprise as the higher the prices of the counselling sessions go, the better results they usually have to the top colleges, sometimes even providing substantial aid to applicants from an overrepresented country(India, China, etc). They generally have better tried and tested strategies and have people on the inside who have insight the average applicant here has no chance of knowing about.
I should also add my father also had a pretty unique experience regarding college as he was initially a mining engineer but felt it wasn’t for him and asked his father for money to change majors and my grandfather trusted him, giving him the money he’d saved for retirement with the trust that he knew he son would use it for good and it Paid off since my dad can now take care of him and live together
Anyways after meeting all of them and thinking about it, my father, who’s always been searching painlessly for the best resources for me staying until two am to find the best person who can mentor me; has agreed to go for the most expensive and well known one there is. While I felt grateful and acknowledged the fact that im so so lucky and privileged to have such supportive parents, who’ve even told me that they’re fine if nothing works out and I have to pull out my plan B and not take the stress. It has been gnawing my mind how I can truly take every single opportunity that will be handed to me and I don’t want to ever ‘waste’ any of this and feel guilty that they’re spending their hard-earned money on me. They’re taking every humanly possible step they can to see me succeed and I don’t want to fail them even in the slightest.
How do I ensure that I do everything I possibly can in my hands to make sure my parents' sacrifice doesn’t go in vain, and also don’t stay stressed 24/7 thinking about the fear of failure? Any advice would be much appreciated TLDR; Parents risking almost all they’ve got to maximise my shot at college applications, how to succeed, not let them down and not be haunted by the possibility of failure.