Having Kids(paulgraham.com)
paulgraham.com
Having Kids
http://paulgraham.com/kids.html
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I don't have kids.
However, I teach up to 18 hours a day with children of various ages. I've done this for 22 years.
I also have been the de facto babysitter for my family since I was 14. Kids in my home almost constantly.
The #1 thing I've learned is that kids love to help, . If you are busy and shush them away then they'll cause havoc. Involve them ever so slightly and you can continue your task.
Realizing this was the biggest boon to my productivity that I've had in my life. Sometimes the kids can increase your output by utilizing their curious/helpful minds or attempting to apply your thoughts in their space.
I'm sure this would be different if it were my children, but I constantly see parents making the mistake of thinking that their thoughts/activities and mutually exclusive to their children's thoughts/activities. They're not.
It does take time to learn to engage and frame your thoughts/activities, but children are only a pure attention sucker if you treat them as a distraction.
However, I teach up to 18 hours a day with children of various ages. I've done this for 22 years.
I also have been the de facto babysitter for my family since I was 14. Kids in my home almost constantly.
The #1 thing I've learned is that kids love to help, . If you are busy and shush them away then they'll cause havoc. Involve them ever so slightly and you can continue your task.
Realizing this was the biggest boon to my productivity that I've had in my life. Sometimes the kids can increase your output by utilizing their curious/helpful minds or attempting to apply your thoughts in their space.
I'm sure this would be different if it were my children, but I constantly see parents making the mistake of thinking that their thoughts/activities and mutually exclusive to their children's thoughts/activities. They're not.
It does take time to learn to engage and frame your thoughts/activities, but children are only a pure attention sucker if you treat them as a distraction.
So my experience was the opposite. I came in expecting this great "chemical change" where suddenly the world revolved around my kids and their future.
Well the latter part is true: my world now revolves around them and their futures. But chemical change? No. It's just the responsibility I have now. There's never a break. It's all-encompassing. I mean, it's survivable, I can deal with it, and I do the best I can, but, while it's certainly not PC to say, I regret it. I thought it would be great, and it's not.
What would I be doing so much better with my time had I not had kids? I don't know. Probably nothing. But it doesn't change the fact. I was happier before.
This article made me angry. That's great that Paul has such a wonderful experience. I'm happy for him. But don't act like you can speak for everyone.
Well the latter part is true: my world now revolves around them and their futures. But chemical change? No. It's just the responsibility I have now. There's never a break. It's all-encompassing. I mean, it's survivable, I can deal with it, and I do the best I can, but, while it's certainly not PC to say, I regret it. I thought it would be great, and it's not.
What would I be doing so much better with my time had I not had kids? I don't know. Probably nothing. But it doesn't change the fact. I was happier before.
This article made me angry. That's great that Paul has such a wonderful experience. I'm happy for him. But don't act like you can speak for everyone.
Worth noting that this is a western city- centric view of children. It's much different for people living in small communities or near parents and other family. Children spend way less time near parents when the neighborhood is familiar and safe enough, and instead spend most of their time playing with other kids. Parents today spend twice as much time with their kids than 2 generations ago, and it's probably not because they really really want to, but that there is no other option. I'm also not sure if kids spending so much of their childhood around adults instead of other kids is better.
https://www.economist.com/graphic-detail/2017/11/27/parents-...
https://www.economist.com/graphic-detail/2017/11/27/parents-...
I agree with this a lot. I was pretty anti-kid, not in the sense that I didn’t want them ever, but that I didn’t want them “any time soon.” My wife was this way too, until one day she wasn’t. I still felt pretty ambivalent about the whole thing until our first was born.
Children really are interesting, and really do fill life with all kinds of quietly wonderful moments.
We live in San Francisco, which is very hilly. When we drive up and down steep hills, my daughters get so excited. They squeal with glee like they’re riding a roller coaster, and beg us to drive up and down the hills again.
That may sound mundane, but when you’re there, sharing the sheer joy of life with fellow humans, it’s anything but.
Now looking back, the thing that I regret is that the modern world is pretty anti-kid, and makes things harder than they need to be. Cars, in particular, are terrible for kids. The roads are deadly, my number one fear is that they’ll run into the street and get hit. Car seats are also the worst. Long road trips are physically painful for the kids, I’m sure, so we’ve cut back on those. I wish, very much, that I could find a car-free city in North America to move to, but this doesn’t seem to exist.
Children really are interesting, and really do fill life with all kinds of quietly wonderful moments.
We live in San Francisco, which is very hilly. When we drive up and down steep hills, my daughters get so excited. They squeal with glee like they’re riding a roller coaster, and beg us to drive up and down the hills again.
That may sound mundane, but when you’re there, sharing the sheer joy of life with fellow humans, it’s anything but.
Now looking back, the thing that I regret is that the modern world is pretty anti-kid, and makes things harder than they need to be. Cars, in particular, are terrible for kids. The roads are deadly, my number one fear is that they’ll run into the street and get hit. Car seats are also the worst. Long road trips are physically painful for the kids, I’m sure, so we’ve cut back on those. I wish, very much, that I could find a car-free city in North America to move to, but this doesn’t seem to exist.
...most of the freedom I had before kids, I never used. I paid for it in loneliness, but I never used it.
Paul's written a lot of smart stuff, but this might be the smartest.
I took a lot of steps to protect my freedom before getting engaged to my partner, and I realize now that was a shitty tradeoff. Freedom was an unexercised resource I had, which is to say it was largely wasted on me. I spent a lot of time being lonely - not alone, which implies by choice, but lonely - having no steadfast companionship and with no alternative to that.
Paul's written a lot of smart stuff, but this might be the smartest.
I took a lot of steps to protect my freedom before getting engaged to my partner, and I realize now that was a shitty tradeoff. Freedom was an unexercised resource I had, which is to say it was largely wasted on me. I spent a lot of time being lonely - not alone, which implies by choice, but lonely - having no steadfast companionship and with no alternative to that.
Ironically, this essay shows the biggest problem I have with having kids -- especially in the US, people with kids seem to single-mindedly focus on them and can't stop telling you about their kids. What remains of their social lives and all their holidays seem to revolve around the kids. I think pg echoes a bit of this sentiment himself when he says:
> To some extent I'm like a religious cultist telling you that you'll be happy if you join the cult too — but only because joining the cult will alter your mind in a way that will make you happy to be a cult member.
My offhand guess is that this general situation is due to dual-earning families that live separately from the grandparents. This seems to be social experiment started after World War II, and from the point of view of an observer I can tell you it's not going great. I suspect that the traditional large joint family approach is probably best in case you do want to have kids and not have it completely upend your life.
> To some extent I'm like a religious cultist telling you that you'll be happy if you join the cult too — but only because joining the cult will alter your mind in a way that will make you happy to be a cult member.
My offhand guess is that this general situation is due to dual-earning families that live separately from the grandparents. This seems to be social experiment started after World War II, and from the point of view of an observer I can tell you it's not going great. I suspect that the traditional large joint family approach is probably best in case you do want to have kids and not have it completely upend your life.
Note that PG has two incredibly important positive factors that make his experience of parenthood much better: he has a great partner, and he is very wealthy. People who don't have these power-ups might have much more mixed feelings about the experience.
I would actually like to have kids, but from a young age I decided that I would not do so unless I achieved financial independence. The reason is that if I were forced to stay in a job (or other life situation) that I hated for the sake of the kids, I would start to resent them.
I would actually like to have kids, but from a young age I decided that I would not do so unless I achieved financial independence. The reason is that if I were forced to stay in a job (or other life situation) that I hated for the sake of the kids, I would start to resent them.
I have two kids (6 and 3) and if I had to do it all again I would not. I miss my old life. Not that it was anything special but the things we take for granted like grabbing a quick bite to eat at a diner or going to the bathroom becomes a chore. I realize it gets better but damn, years of tending to the kids flew by and I can't for the life of me recall what I did for fun.
my problem has been that I'm an overachiever and I've been career oriented for the most part of my life. I know there's a saying where folks on their deathbed would never say "I wish I could work another hour," but I don't know anything else besides work. I definitely need a hobby and I feel bad at times when I resent my kids because I can't do what I was able to do before.
my problem has been that I'm an overachiever and I've been career oriented for the most part of my life. I know there's a saying where folks on their deathbed would never say "I wish I could work another hour," but I don't know anything else besides work. I definitely need a hobby and I feel bad at times when I resent my kids because I can't do what I was able to do before.
One thing that I don't see much discussion on is a single income setup.
My wife was employed when our daughter was born (oh lord 13 years ago) but we had hired help (this was in India - that was a very affordable option). Eventually she decided to stay at home because she wanted more family time and quite possibly that's the best thing that ever happened to our family.
Suddenly all of us had time and the luxury of one person with flexible time is amazing.
My career hit an exponential growth after this and she has a major hand in it. I am able to enjoy a cycling habit (20hrs every week) because of this.
It was a hard decision at first. Obviouslt financially, we also hadnt accounted for how much of our identity was defined by the job, so that was interesting. Navigating friends and family who considered that to be THE defining thing was also interesting :). I obviously have a lot to write on this since it is still a thing :)
Overall Id suggest it to anyone who is willing and able to try.
My wife was employed when our daughter was born (oh lord 13 years ago) but we had hired help (this was in India - that was a very affordable option). Eventually she decided to stay at home because she wanted more family time and quite possibly that's the best thing that ever happened to our family.
Suddenly all of us had time and the luxury of one person with flexible time is amazing.
My career hit an exponential growth after this and she has a major hand in it. I am able to enjoy a cycling habit (20hrs every week) because of this.
It was a hard decision at first. Obviouslt financially, we also hadnt accounted for how much of our identity was defined by the job, so that was interesting. Navigating friends and family who considered that to be THE defining thing was also interesting :). I obviously have a lot to write on this since it is still a thing :)
Overall Id suggest it to anyone who is willing and able to try.
One thing that started to bother me recently is the meaningless of life in general. Think about humans from a wide perspective - it all boils down to survival of the species and what difference does it make if we reproduce in a cave or a modern house? Sure there are more of us now, but does it really matter? We are driven by a simple algorithm - find a partner, reproduce, keep the babies alive and die. Repeat. No real reason, just an instinct shared by every living organism, everything else is just a facade. It's not like the existence of the universe depends on our survival, we could we wiped tomorrow and nothing would really change.
Oh, and having kids must bring joy, that's how evolution programmed us, otherwise at some point people would just consciously stop having babies and we would dissapear :-)
Oh, and having kids must bring joy, that's how evolution programmed us, otherwise at some point people would just consciously stop having babies and we would dissapear :-)
One clear change that happened with me, once having a child -- is that I understood my Dad much more.
I understood what made him upset, and I understood how he reacted and why... I started showing same behavioral traits as him. But it was only after I had our first child.
Stuff that I took for granted when my Dad was doing it, now I understood, was actually meant to take an effort, on behalf of a parent.
Unfortunately, my Dad passed away weeks after my first child was born. It felt like the 'nature' decided to make a replacement.... and exchange the life of my still young dad, to our first child...
So I did not have the time to express back to him, my gratitude, my newly found understand of his sacrifices to make his children happy & confident, and, at the same time, isolated from bad/unfair stuff....
Therefore, my advice is, do not repeat my mistake. Show your parents, while they are alive -- that you understand their sacrifice, and you are prepared to do the same for your children....
I understood what made him upset, and I understood how he reacted and why... I started showing same behavioral traits as him. But it was only after I had our first child.
Stuff that I took for granted when my Dad was doing it, now I understood, was actually meant to take an effort, on behalf of a parent.
Unfortunately, my Dad passed away weeks after my first child was born. It felt like the 'nature' decided to make a replacement.... and exchange the life of my still young dad, to our first child...
So I did not have the time to express back to him, my gratitude, my newly found understand of his sacrifices to make his children happy & confident, and, at the same time, isolated from bad/unfair stuff....
Therefore, my advice is, do not repeat my mistake. Show your parents, while they are alive -- that you understand their sacrifice, and you are prepared to do the same for your children....
As someone who has wrestled a lot with the question of whether I ever want kids, I've sought out data. One thing I came across was this: https://www.salon.com/2017/05/09/google-confessional-your-se...
> Adults with children are 3.6 times more likely to tell Google they regret their decision than are adults without children.
I'd be curious if others have data on this. I'm especially interested in how many people have a reaction like Paul Graham (a switch flipped, it's inconvenient but totally worth it) vs. how many end up feeling overwhelmed and regretful. The latter thought carries far more stigma, so it might be harder to know how many people experience this.
> Adults with children are 3.6 times more likely to tell Google they regret their decision than are adults without children.
I'd be curious if others have data on this. I'm especially interested in how many people have a reaction like Paul Graham (a switch flipped, it's inconvenient but totally worth it) vs. how many end up feeling overwhelmed and regretful. The latter thought carries far more stigma, so it might be harder to know how many people experience this.
>Having kids is one of those intense types of experience that are hard to imagine unless you've had them. But it is not, as I implicitly believed before having kids, simply your DNA heading for the lifeboats.
But it is, because your entire biology has evolved for billions of years with the sole purpose of reproducing effectively. No amount of "I feel like I enjoy it" negates that it is programmed into you as an organism. It just re-enforces how integrated the drive is with your psychology and consciousness.
The negative points from the post:
But it is, because your entire biology has evolved for billions of years with the sole purpose of reproducing effectively. No amount of "I feel like I enjoy it" negates that it is programmed into you as an organism. It just re-enforces how integrated the drive is with your psychology and consciousness.
The negative points from the post:
* less productive
* less time for your ideas
* less ambitious
Such a great thread with so many parents talking about how much joy they get from their children, especially ones with learning challenges. You all are really role models. Thank you.
One quick comment on PG's statement here: "Partly, and I won't deny it, this is because of serious chemical changes that happened almost instantly when our first child was born. It was like someone flipped a switch. I suddenly felt protective not just toward our child, but toward all children."
When I had my son I didn't feel anything different for the first few months. I felt bad as everyone said "something instantly changes" but I didn't feel anything. But a few months in, when he started to react to my efforts, and we did stuff together, I fell in love. Now I adore my children more than I knew possible.
So, if you're a parent who didn't feel an instant chemical reaction when your child arrived perhaps not a cause for alarm.
One quick comment on PG's statement here: "Partly, and I won't deny it, this is because of serious chemical changes that happened almost instantly when our first child was born. It was like someone flipped a switch. I suddenly felt protective not just toward our child, but toward all children."
When I had my son I didn't feel anything different for the first few months. I felt bad as everyone said "something instantly changes" but I didn't feel anything. But a few months in, when he started to react to my efforts, and we did stuff together, I fell in love. Now I adore my children more than I knew possible.
So, if you're a parent who didn't feel an instant chemical reaction when your child arrived perhaps not a cause for alarm.
> Before I had kids, I had moments of this kind of peace, but they were rarer.
My cynical take: certainly, for people with sufficiently stressful jobs, having kids is going to be less stressful. Still, it's far easier to switch jobs, or take up meditation. Plus, then I won't have that old stressful job!
> On the other hand, what kind of wimpy ambition do you have if it won't survive having kids? Do you have so little to spare?
This definitely reads like it was written by someone who made a lot of money, and then had kids. 13 years ago, he wrote: "Young startups are fragile. A society that trims its margins sharply will kill them all." You just need to have so much ambition you can afford to spare it, even though you're doing something where the margins are so thin they mean the difference between life and death!
My cynical take: certainly, for people with sufficiently stressful jobs, having kids is going to be less stressful. Still, it's far easier to switch jobs, or take up meditation. Plus, then I won't have that old stressful job!
> On the other hand, what kind of wimpy ambition do you have if it won't survive having kids? Do you have so little to spare?
This definitely reads like it was written by someone who made a lot of money, and then had kids. 13 years ago, he wrote: "Young startups are fragile. A society that trims its margins sharply will kill them all." You just need to have so much ambition you can afford to spare it, even though you're doing something where the margins are so thin they mean the difference between life and death!
It's very simple why I haven't had children and why I won't be having them: I don't trust any of the people I've met in my life to raise any children I'd create them with, and I don't believe I'll be meeting anyone else where this would change.
Even if having children would reduce my loneliness, I simply don't think it's moral to subject them to any potential abuse or cruelty on the part of potential partners I've met in my life.
I'm old enough now that having children just doesn't make sense for me. I'd rather spend my time improving the lives of those that already exist, including my own.
Even if having children would reduce my loneliness, I simply don't think it's moral to subject them to any potential abuse or cruelty on the part of potential partners I've met in my life.
I'm old enough now that having children just doesn't make sense for me. I'd rather spend my time improving the lives of those that already exist, including my own.
I don't like kids. I don't want kids. I'm 46 and single and I don't want to date someone with kids. It drastically reduces my dating pool but I'm willing to live with that.
There are enough people on earth as it is. I don't feel like I need to increase that number.
There are enough people on earth as it is. I don't feel like I need to increase that number.
Having kids don't automatically make you a better person. Anecdotally, most of the people I know are the same after having kids as they were before having kids. The only difference is that they're working an extra job.
The ones who coo and cuddle with their kids are those who would coo and cuddle any child they come into contact with. Those who are patient with their kids were patient before having children.
The chemical high from having a child doesn't necessarily change who you are. If anything, it simply amplifies existing traits by putting you through a high pressure, long-term project.
The biggest (positive) child-related change I've noticed? The sudden and prolonged surge of happiness when those children are out of the house. Everything else tends to be the effects of time blunting the worst of the negatives.
As a point of reference, I have no children of my own, but I had two teenage girls adopt me as their father. I spend several days a week tutoring and helping them. I get the high of watching them grow into themselves without having to live with them.
The ones who coo and cuddle with their kids are those who would coo and cuddle any child they come into contact with. Those who are patient with their kids were patient before having children.
The chemical high from having a child doesn't necessarily change who you are. If anything, it simply amplifies existing traits by putting you through a high pressure, long-term project.
The biggest (positive) child-related change I've noticed? The sudden and prolonged surge of happiness when those children are out of the house. Everything else tends to be the effects of time blunting the worst of the negatives.
As a point of reference, I have no children of my own, but I had two teenage girls adopt me as their father. I spend several days a week tutoring and helping them. I get the high of watching them grow into themselves without having to live with them.
Am coming to this discussion a bit late, but having raised two kids, now adults, the advice I would give myself 20 years ago would be this:
1. Your children are not mini-me's. They are independent little munchkins that transition through confused, pained and painful teens into eventual adulthood. Don't expect them to behave or respond like you.
2. Be present. This isn't about quantity of time spent or kinds of activities shared. It's about quality = anytime your kid knows you care and enjoy being with them.
3. Focus on the journey not the outcomes. Read anything you can about "stoic parenting".
4. Don't be a hypocrite. Every lesson you give your kid must be applicable to you. If not, then shut up. There's no faster way to parenting failure than hypocrisy.
I'm not sure if this advice would have changed things too much. But it would have made all our journeys easier.
1. Your children are not mini-me's. They are independent little munchkins that transition through confused, pained and painful teens into eventual adulthood. Don't expect them to behave or respond like you.
2. Be present. This isn't about quantity of time spent or kinds of activities shared. It's about quality = anytime your kid knows you care and enjoy being with them.
3. Focus on the journey not the outcomes. Read anything you can about "stoic parenting".
4. Don't be a hypocrite. Every lesson you give your kid must be applicable to you. If not, then shut up. There's no faster way to parenting failure than hypocrisy.
I'm not sure if this advice would have changed things too much. But it would have made all our journeys easier.
We have a 15 month old. She is probably the easiest kid imaginable, sleeps really well, eats really well, great temperament. It's still ridiculously hard work. My partner still isn't recovered from the birthing process (some latent muscle imbalances came out). She wants another one, I'm happy to stick with one healthy one. So incredibly hard to know what to do when _most_ stories you hear are about how it's better to have two than one.
If anyone has some research which says only children are totally fine I'd love to read it (even if just to confirm what I'd like to hear ;) heh.
We are happy we have her, mostly, but our old life was kick ass too. If you're not reasonably sure you want kids, just read some of these comments, you really should expect to (somewhat) leave your old life behind and enter a new stage, where looking after the new human is the top priority.
I still get out biking, playing squash, bike a bit, life definitely goes on, but it's definitely a rewarding sacrifice.
If anyone has some research which says only children are totally fine I'd love to read it (even if just to confirm what I'd like to hear ;) heh.
We are happy we have her, mostly, but our old life was kick ass too. If you're not reasonably sure you want kids, just read some of these comments, you really should expect to (somewhat) leave your old life behind and enter a new stage, where looking after the new human is the top priority.
I still get out biking, playing squash, bike a bit, life definitely goes on, but it's definitely a rewarding sacrifice.
Wow, how serendipitous. My wife and I just arrived at the hospital after her water broke. Great article and lots of great advice on this thread.
In just a few hours I’m going to be a Dad. Parker, if you read this one day, hi! Your mom and I can’t wait to meet you.
In just a few hours I’m going to be a Dad. Parker, if you read this one day, hi! Your mom and I can’t wait to meet you.
There are a few things I can identify that makes my experience with my own children same as PGs.
The first is extremely low expectations of what having children would be like. The last 7 years or my life have been the best, by far.
I have lost a lot of ambition, but I welcome the loss. It feels good to look at the lot I’ve carved out for myself, which is fine by any standard, and breathe and just enjoy my time and life with my kids.
Another thing that has bolstered my experience is a strong bond with my wife. I’m 40, and we’ve been together for 23 years. We know each other pretty well and have worked most of the bullshit out.
The first is extremely low expectations of what having children would be like. The last 7 years or my life have been the best, by far.
I have lost a lot of ambition, but I welcome the loss. It feels good to look at the lot I’ve carved out for myself, which is fine by any standard, and breathe and just enjoy my time and life with my kids.
Another thing that has bolstered my experience is a strong bond with my wife. I’m 40, and we’ve been together for 23 years. We know each other pretty well and have worked most of the bullshit out.
This is one of the best and most accurate things I have ever seen written about having kids - it truly is a paradigm shift for your life - in a good way.
My kid (5yo boy) is very outgoing and talks to just about anyone he meets, about anything that comes to his mind (which is usually some aspect of playing Minecraft or Slime Ranchers).
He gets so excited about it and tells them about his latest discovery like Minecraft portals or Quantum Slime.
When he does this, it's so easy to tell who has kids and who doesn't because the ones who do really engage in the conversation and the ones who don't (95% of the time) try to end the conversation as quickly as possible.
I think back to before I had kids and somehow I can't remember a version of me that was like that, but I probably was.
The thing that resonated with me most was when PG talked about finding peace.
There's so many random moments when I'm with my kid and I think, this, right now, is the happiest moment in my life.
My kid (5yo boy) is very outgoing and talks to just about anyone he meets, about anything that comes to his mind (which is usually some aspect of playing Minecraft or Slime Ranchers).
He gets so excited about it and tells them about his latest discovery like Minecraft portals or Quantum Slime.
When he does this, it's so easy to tell who has kids and who doesn't because the ones who do really engage in the conversation and the ones who don't (95% of the time) try to end the conversation as quickly as possible.
I think back to before I had kids and somehow I can't remember a version of me that was like that, but I probably was.
The thing that resonated with me most was when PG talked about finding peace.
There's so many random moments when I'm with my kid and I think, this, right now, is the happiest moment in my life.
I'm curious about how to have kids in the face of failure. My truth is that I'm caught in a turbulent stream of life where I can have anything I want except success. It's a strange feeling to have time or money (but never both). To have freedom or love (but never both). And so on and so forth. If my definition of success is to have both of something, and my life is already half over, the evidence doesn't point to that ever happening.
Is it possible to be successful and have children? This is part of a larger thought experiment about spirituality, metaphysics, existentialism, etc. My feeling is that no, it's probably not. But that being human is learning to cope with the failures of everyday life and eventually life itself.
Or maybe having children is a drug that changes the spirit to realign one's truths. I know that all things of any importance that have ever happened in my life were not of my own doing. So is it just that when we give even the most minuscule effort, like skipping a stone off the river, that it changes the course of the river in some unforeseen way? I'm standing on the bank holding the stone, and am so tired that my only thought is to somehow set it down. It's no more work to throw it, but I have lost the will to do so. I guess this question is to God as much as the internet.
Is it possible to be successful and have children? This is part of a larger thought experiment about spirituality, metaphysics, existentialism, etc. My feeling is that no, it's probably not. But that being human is learning to cope with the failures of everyday life and eventually life itself.
Or maybe having children is a drug that changes the spirit to realign one's truths. I know that all things of any importance that have ever happened in my life were not of my own doing. So is it just that when we give even the most minuscule effort, like skipping a stone off the river, that it changes the course of the river in some unforeseen way? I'm standing on the bank holding the stone, and am so tired that my only thought is to somehow set it down. It's no more work to throw it, but I have lost the will to do so. I guess this question is to God as much as the internet.
May be great for you, and maybe even most people. But to me kids would take away every single thing I enjoy in my life. Everything. I have a hard time seeing them making my life better since it's be a case of tearing down every single life joy, every single part of my life, and build up a new one. A new one filled with nothing I currently value, except connection to people (which I already have).
The first paragraph of this essay doesn't convince me that this person's story applies to me, either. "I'd have been sad to think I'd never have children", he says. Nope.
The first paragraph of this essay doesn't convince me that this person's story applies to me, either. "I'd have been sad to think I'd never have children", he says. Nope.
Uhh. Just going to chime in here. It is absolutely OK if you don’t experience the emotions he writes about here.
You aren’t broken.
I write this because I read and it immediately messaged a few friends who respect Paul as well asking them if I was broken.
Everyone experiences parenthood differently.
I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when it comes to taking care of the munchkins. There are other things I’d rather be doing, learning, building.
That is OK.
Just because the HN generally respects Paul doesn’t mean that if your experience as a parent doesn’t match his something is wrong.
You are OK and chances are you are a better parent than you think.
You aren’t broken.
I write this because I read and it immediately messaged a few friends who respect Paul as well asking them if I was broken.
Everyone experiences parenthood differently.
I never had the chemical changes in my brain and often over the past 3 years have realized just how selfish I am when it comes to taking care of the munchkins. There are other things I’d rather be doing, learning, building.
That is OK.
Just because the HN generally respects Paul doesn’t mean that if your experience as a parent doesn’t match his something is wrong.
You are OK and chances are you are a better parent than you think.
The decision to have kids is a lot like the decision to continue living. There is no logical basis for it. Or rather, any latticework of logic you erect to justify this choice is based on a foundation that has nothing to do with reason. It is an emotional and spiritual desire to live and love, and give more life and more love to the world.
That's why I when see people engage in complex rational calculations about the utility a child may or may not bring into their life, I feel like they are missing the point. Of course people ought to be thoughtful about the decision to have children. And there are very good reasons to abstain. But in a sense they are not grasping that having children is a profound act of hope.
That's why I when see people engage in complex rational calculations about the utility a child may or may not bring into their life, I feel like they are missing the point. Of course people ought to be thoughtful about the decision to have children. And there are very good reasons to abstain. But in a sense they are not grasping that having children is a profound act of hope.
I could say a lot about having kids, but I'll keep it to this:
The fundamentally most powerful thing I feel about having kids is faith. I have faith now. An unwavering, unquestionable understanding of my purpose and direction on this planet. It makes so many questions so easy to answer.
The fundamentally most powerful thing I feel about having kids is faith. I have faith now. An unwavering, unquestionable understanding of my purpose and direction on this planet. It makes so many questions so easy to answer.
Paradoxically, I think the hard part about having kid is having too few of them. My wife and I have 7 kids. People stare at us like we're crazy all the time. But it's way easier to have 7 kids than 2.
Older kids help with the younger kids. When the 2 or 3 playing together get bored, they mix it up. They have daily big games that would ordinarily take a lot of effort arranging playdates. Many hands make light work, so household chores go by quickly. It's great.
My advice for those struggling with kids: don't stop at 1 or 2. It's hard to have 1 or 2 kids.
Older kids help with the younger kids. When the 2 or 3 playing together get bored, they mix it up. They have daily big games that would ordinarily take a lot of effort arranging playdates. Many hands make light work, so household chores go by quickly. It's great.
My advice for those struggling with kids: don't stop at 1 or 2. It's hard to have 1 or 2 kids.
Just looking for some dads who can relate and maybe give some wisdom on the subject of having young kids and losing your ability to work on something interesting--which to be fair I never did before having kids because I was unmotivated, having not had that burst of energy yet...