> If it were me, I'd probably try grabbing a coffee/tea/beer with him outside of the office
That's exactly what I have done before. I mean, I work with Jerry every day, and we would regularly go out for a beer after work to talk.
In asking about it, the response with "stress, and let's keep it behind us."
Maybe it is stress, maybe it's not, and maybe I am doing something that provokes Jerry unknowingly, but in any of these cases, does it give him the right to respond like that? If I am doing something to provoke him, and he's put in a situation that allows for speaking freely, away from other coworkers, and he still can't tell me what it is, is there any way for me to stop doing it?
> You haven't stated whether you have talked to Jerry directly about this, if you haven't I suggest this would be a first step.
The only time we've discussed these things is during the post-mortem/apology phase, and it has always been the same reason, stress. I could inquire about it after during a time when Jerry is more professional, I have not tried that.
> One idea I would suggest is to bow down to all his requests, no matter how silly
I have considered this, but since I have learned attempts to resolve this on my own are at best futile or at worst provoke further attacks, I now immediately raise this to my boss's attention, who spends time to calm him down, and at the same time repeals the demands.
I honestly think right now, my best course of action is to prepare for interviews and spend some time lining up something to switch over to. If it happens again between then and now, that will just accelerate my plans.
The moral factor hits home, as if I did this, then one of us would be out of a job, regardless. It feels like a failure regardless of the outcome.
I also know from prior conversations that it would result in me being the one walking, as while my position is important and my tenure at the company longer, I would be easier to replace vs Jerry.
If neither is concerned with how Jerry treats his co-workers it might be time to update the resume.
Both are aware, and I've already spoken with them about it.
The response was, from my boss, that nothing can be done as if he leaves, it would set the, now struggling, company back months at least, and from my boss's boss (company is small, so they are both C level), that the problem will go away with the reduction of stress once there is eventually someone hired to help with Jerry's responsibilities.
I do not disagree with my boss, Jerry's position is critical and he's already doing the work meant for three. However, we've been hiring for that position for 8 months now, and we've had a net loss of employees there of 2. I also don't feel that an additional employee or more would solve the problem, as the position will always require some level of stress on Jerry.
You're right in that I should prepare for a job change, and I've already started, I'm just hoping there's something I can do or try, since it used to be an amazing company to work for, and with the exception of this major issue, otherwise still is.
Since every time there has been intervention by my boss prior to an apology, I have no idea if that was requested by my boss or not.
> I demanded an apology for her threatening to punch me in the face, she just denied it
That's really depressing, it sucks that you had to deal with that. May I ask what the conclusion was? Did you end up changing jobs?