No I'm serious here, renownedmedia. Don't disregard my rant with a silly downvote, but do instead indulge yourself in the PDO methods instead of painting yourself and your projects into corners: http://php.net/manual/en/book.pdo.php
I can't believe you hardcoded this for MySQL instead of using PHP's excellent and versatile PDOs, and I can't believe the 10k line count. Gosh. Is "de-engineering" a suitable term here? Thumbs up for open sourcing your work, though.