Ask HN: As you got older what have you realised?
Asking from the perspective of happiness, work life balance, satisfaction etc etc
29 comments
Highly subjective views to follow...
1. That most people (including me) are utterly clueless a lot of the time, including people in very high positions of authority. Don't sweat figuring out the big questions or trying to solve problems that have been a feature of humanity for all of time.
1a. This is kind of a side point ... expertise in one thing doesn't make a person any good at other, unrelated fields. When I was younger, I used to think programmers (like me!) could solve the world's problems because "we're so smart and logical". I soon realised being a decent programmer just means I'm a decent programmer. Accepting this made me a lot more "chill".
2. Cynicism is probably justified – mankind has done A LOT of screwed up things – but ultimately unhelpful if you want to live a happy life. For those who've seen Everything, Everywhere, All At Once, the Ke Huy Quan character epitomises I think the best way one can live life – embrace the absurd, be happy with what you have, love your loved ones, be a bit silly and don't take everything too seriously.
1. That most people (including me) are utterly clueless a lot of the time, including people in very high positions of authority. Don't sweat figuring out the big questions or trying to solve problems that have been a feature of humanity for all of time.
1a. This is kind of a side point ... expertise in one thing doesn't make a person any good at other, unrelated fields. When I was younger, I used to think programmers (like me!) could solve the world's problems because "we're so smart and logical". I soon realised being a decent programmer just means I'm a decent programmer. Accepting this made me a lot more "chill".
2. Cynicism is probably justified – mankind has done A LOT of screwed up things – but ultimately unhelpful if you want to live a happy life. For those who've seen Everything, Everywhere, All At Once, the Ke Huy Quan character epitomises I think the best way one can live life – embrace the absurd, be happy with what you have, love your loved ones, be a bit silly and don't take everything too seriously.
Ah, the second one is sadly so familiar to me. So many great scientists end up becoming cranks in fields they're not familiar with due to the misconception that they just know everything/can figure out everything easily.
Looks at the non biologists pushing Intelligent Design or what not
Looks at the non biologists pushing Intelligent Design or what not
If programmers made great cynics, we’d be living in an IT utopia.
But they can’t even get that right.
But they can’t even get that right.
Do you believe in being generalist or a specialist?
There are milestones in life and if you wait around you’ll never get to participate.
I did what I was supposed to at certain ages while I watched friends of mine forfeit common milestones because they thought life would just happen.
You have to make things happen. Nothing in life will just come around except death and taxes.
Take care of what you have to now before you can’t. You’ll eventually get so good at this that you’ll be able to lift others up. But if you make neglect a habit in life, it will chase you down every avenue.
I did what I was supposed to at certain ages while I watched friends of mine forfeit common milestones because they thought life would just happen.
You have to make things happen. Nothing in life will just come around except death and taxes.
Take care of what you have to now before you can’t. You’ll eventually get so good at this that you’ll be able to lift others up. But if you make neglect a habit in life, it will chase you down every avenue.
1. If you define your self worth in terms of usefulness to others, it really sucks when you retire and can't do stuff for others any more.
2. NEVER pay for storage of stuff, you'll end up purging most of it anyway, or your heirs will.
3. The words of the philosopher Jagger are profound:
2. NEVER pay for storage of stuff, you'll end up purging most of it anyway, or your heirs will.
3. The words of the philosopher Jagger are profound:
You can't always get what you want,
But, if you try, sometimes you might find
You get what you need
Diaries are super important. Sometimes you need an outlet to say things that you can't or won't say to others. They're also perfect for cataloging your life and memories, even mundane, normal days. I started ten years ago but started writing daily three years ago. Wish I did it sooner, like, during middle school.
where do you keep your pictures today?
with the take all pictures and don't store much stuff philosophy, i felt you're the right person to ask for advice on this.
with the take all pictures and don't store much stuff philosophy, i felt you're the right person to ask for advice on this.
Ok, disk space is essentially free... I've got 700 gigabytes of photos, because, unlike atoms, they really don't cost much to store.
I don't pay other people to store them, though. I use Backblaze to back up whole machines, which is flat rate.
I don't pay other people to store them, though. I use Backblaze to back up whole machines, which is flat rate.
A great many people have told me “Mark, someday you're going to have to grow up and learn to do things the way everyone else does them.”
Those people were wrong.
Those people were wrong.
I just turned 30 two days ago. Not exactly a realization, but I'd say I was entirely correct in emphasizing getting a quality partner and marriage before beginning to seriously focus on my career. Much easier to be smart and driven without any baggage now.
Huh, how so? I got my career a few years before anyone would even date me and now I'm pretty content being unmarried after my divorce
It's a bit esoteric. Personally, I see "the deal" I have with God / the World-Spirit / whatever you wanna call it as, you let me have a family I'm happy with, I'm happy to work my hardest to make this world a richer and more bountiful place. You take that away from me, I reserve the right to live like I owe you nothing, because I don't.
Money and material goods have always meant little to me in and of themselves, so I'm glad to see my deal has been on acceptable terms so far.
Money and material goods have always meant little to me in and of themselves, so I'm glad to see my deal has been on acceptable terms so far.
That's Smart. I also believe that a good partner can be one of the deciding factors of our better future.
How were you able to do that if you didn’t have the career? Most women in the US are extremely focused on the income of their partner. Similarly, I found that many women divorce their husbands when the husband just doesn’t show up at home anymore and is only bringing money. The amount of alimony you can get is insane.
Edit: looks like you live in Finland. We’re not even comparing on the same scales at all.
Edit: looks like you live in Finland. We’re not even comparing on the same scales at all.
Many? Most?
I suspect your view of women's preferences is jaundiced. Most men earn average or below average incomes (by definition) but I don't see any data to suggest that there is a significant number of those men are unable to find women. That suggests to me that this idea of women only dating 6-foot tall men with 6-figure incomes is a myth.
I suspect your view of women's preferences is jaundiced. Most men earn average or below average incomes (by definition) but I don't see any data to suggest that there is a significant number of those men are unable to find women. That suggests to me that this idea of women only dating 6-foot tall men with 6-figure incomes is a myth.
I started writing up an answer, but then I thought "What drives someone to write such a nasty comment as this?" and read through some of your previous comments here.
I found https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=39265275#39269460 and want to say it's very unfortunate the hand the world dealt you physique-wise. You clearly have other traits that some part of you feels should more than make up for the difference by now, but it's just not panning out, and that's a difficult place to be. I suspect you're not a religious man, but I will pray for you regardless.
I found https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=39265275#39269460 and want to say it's very unfortunate the hand the world dealt you physique-wise. You clearly have other traits that some part of you feels should more than make up for the difference by now, but it's just not panning out, and that's a difficult place to be. I suspect you're not a religious man, but I will pray for you regardless.
1. I don't have any strong interests. I like to dabble in many things, but nothing is interesting enough for me to stay with it if I don't have to.
2. The fun part of programming is conceptualizing (e.g. figuring out a new algorithm for 3d shading). Putting that concept into code is more or less a drudgery though, and it takes 90% of time. It's less of a drudgery in high-level languages and APIs (Scala, Apache Spark), and much more with anti-human things like C++ or Direct3D 12.
3. I'm not a great programmer. I can code for maybe 20 hours a week on average, anything beyond that requires strong caffeination and is basically a debt on the future.
4. It's much better to be invisible that to be famous or recognized. Fame draws so many idiots that have little to offer. Similarly, it's wiser to not flaunt wealth and have only people closest to me know that I'm actually fairly wealthy.
5. I am risk averse. Give me a steady job and steady investments over crazy startups or investment schemes.
2. The fun part of programming is conceptualizing (e.g. figuring out a new algorithm for 3d shading). Putting that concept into code is more or less a drudgery though, and it takes 90% of time. It's less of a drudgery in high-level languages and APIs (Scala, Apache Spark), and much more with anti-human things like C++ or Direct3D 12.
3. I'm not a great programmer. I can code for maybe 20 hours a week on average, anything beyond that requires strong caffeination and is basically a debt on the future.
4. It's much better to be invisible that to be famous or recognized. Fame draws so many idiots that have little to offer. Similarly, it's wiser to not flaunt wealth and have only people closest to me know that I'm actually fairly wealthy.
5. I am risk averse. Give me a steady job and steady investments over crazy startups or investment schemes.
I'm somewhat similar on these, but two is particularly funny to me. I always joke at work that we proved something was possible, and therefore the job is complete (we have a few stalled-out initiatives that we really need to finish up). The idea is the fun part, implementing it in the real world is the work, but that's why they pay you.
Ad-driven "social" media, when combined with the smartphone, is one of the most dangerous and socially-regressive combinations of technologies that has ever been invented.
Exercise and STRETCHING are non-negotiable. The older you get, the more important stretching becomes. If your job doesn't allow enough time to exercise, work somewhere else. It's not worth it.
Strength training, WITH GOOD TECHNIQUE, is a really good idea. Squats, bench press, deadlifts, chin ups. That's all you really need. It will make you look good during your prime, make physical, injury-prone tasks much easier, stave off muscle degeneration at old age, and (hopefully) avoid a whole bunch of preventative major surgeries (hip/knee/shoulder replacements). Unlike most sports, you can also train well into your advanced years.
Everyone is dealing with something. EVERYONE.
People love talking about themselves! If you want to be someone people love talking to, ask people questions about them and listen!
Vacation is incredibly important. Jobs that dont provide enough of it are jobs not worth having, with few exceptions. I was very flippant about vacation when I was younger; not anymore.
I fly a lot for work. I often sit around older passenger. Your vision WILL get worse. Super bright screens and small fonts accelerate this.
Exercise and STRETCHING are non-negotiable. The older you get, the more important stretching becomes. If your job doesn't allow enough time to exercise, work somewhere else. It's not worth it.
Strength training, WITH GOOD TECHNIQUE, is a really good idea. Squats, bench press, deadlifts, chin ups. That's all you really need. It will make you look good during your prime, make physical, injury-prone tasks much easier, stave off muscle degeneration at old age, and (hopefully) avoid a whole bunch of preventative major surgeries (hip/knee/shoulder replacements). Unlike most sports, you can also train well into your advanced years.
Everyone is dealing with something. EVERYONE.
People love talking about themselves! If you want to be someone people love talking to, ask people questions about them and listen!
Vacation is incredibly important. Jobs that dont provide enough of it are jobs not worth having, with few exceptions. I was very flippant about vacation when I was younger; not anymore.
I fly a lot for work. I often sit around older passenger. Your vision WILL get worse. Super bright screens and small fonts accelerate this.
Crystallized knowledge is a thing. Others call it wisdom.
You watch your cognitive abilities decline as you age, thinking this what downhill slope is what old age inevitably brings, then suddenly notice things you never understood become perfectly obvious. Human behaviour you thought came from nowhere becomes predictable.
Eventually you realise this has been happening all your life and you didn't notice it. Your ability to absorb me languages came and went without you ever realising it. In your youth shaped the language your generation would use and the music they liked, and then you stopped doing that without ever wondering why. In your young adult life your cohort would try thousands different experiments. Most would fail. A few would reshape society you live in, in ways you at the age of 10 couldn't have dreamed of.
I'm not sure what the mechanism behind wisdom is. I suspect your ability to reason didn't diminish overly, but your ability to absorb me information does. The net result is you get to focus the reasoning ability on what you've already learnt, without noise from the present servicing as a distraction. The result is crystallized knowledge. It must be pretty handy, given the number of leaders we have that are over 60.
You watch your cognitive abilities decline as you age, thinking this what downhill slope is what old age inevitably brings, then suddenly notice things you never understood become perfectly obvious. Human behaviour you thought came from nowhere becomes predictable.
Eventually you realise this has been happening all your life and you didn't notice it. Your ability to absorb me languages came and went without you ever realising it. In your youth shaped the language your generation would use and the music they liked, and then you stopped doing that without ever wondering why. In your young adult life your cohort would try thousands different experiments. Most would fail. A few would reshape society you live in, in ways you at the age of 10 couldn't have dreamed of.
I'm not sure what the mechanism behind wisdom is. I suspect your ability to reason didn't diminish overly, but your ability to absorb me information does. The net result is you get to focus the reasoning ability on what you've already learnt, without noise from the present servicing as a distraction. The result is crystallized knowledge. It must be pretty handy, given the number of leaders we have that are over 60.
there is no perfect job, the work will never finish. the focus should be outside the 8 hours.
That I'm going to die, and I don't know when or how, and there's nothing I can do about it.
The only thing that matters in life is the people you love, so choose who you love wisely, love them fully and treat those you claim to love well.
You are what you do in a very literal sense, your form follows your function, your very being is your actions. All that you leave behind is what you do, the effect you have on other people.
The only thing that matters in life is the people you love, so choose who you love wisely, love them fully and treat those you claim to love well.
You are what you do in a very literal sense, your form follows your function, your very being is your actions. All that you leave behind is what you do, the effect you have on other people.
A few things, such as:
1. The perfect is the enemy of the good. Finishing things is more important than perfecting them.
2. It's who you know rather than what you know. Should have socialised more in school/college/university.
3. That I probably should have looked into things like internships when I was still in university, since a big flashy name on your CV early on opens a lot of doors.
4. No one's irreplaceable, and anyone's working/life situation could change at the drop of a hat, so constantly be learning to make sure you're not caught unaware when it happens.
5. Money should be your primary goal when looking for a job/career, and you should try to maximise the amount you make at every corner, and invest what remains in things you actually care about. Passion is for chumps.
1. The perfect is the enemy of the good. Finishing things is more important than perfecting them.
2. It's who you know rather than what you know. Should have socialised more in school/college/university.
3. That I probably should have looked into things like internships when I was still in university, since a big flashy name on your CV early on opens a lot of doors.
4. No one's irreplaceable, and anyone's working/life situation could change at the drop of a hat, so constantly be learning to make sure you're not caught unaware when it happens.
5. Money should be your primary goal when looking for a job/career, and you should try to maximise the amount you make at every corner, and invest what remains in things you actually care about. Passion is for chumps.
That most experts and professionals aren’t actually all that good at what they do.
1. Family is the most important “thing” in the world.
2. Things are not important at all. People are. Relationships are. Intentions and actions are.
3. Money matters. If you’re a professional - the smartest thing to do is optimize your career for the income, while doing what you can and love doing best.
Everything else (titles, satisfaction, feeling of importance, carbon footprint reduction or whatever is that you think important) follows the money eventually.
4. Decent people are usually excellent colleagues, good bosses, great employees. But not vice versa.
5. There are no simple answers to complex questions. But there are more and less correct answers. Not everything is just a matter of opinion (i.e. relativism doesn’t work).
6. Popular people are almost never best experts in their fields. Because they are busy being popular while true experts are busy being experts.
For example Jordan Peterson is far from being the best clinical psychologist. Or Richard Dawkins who is amazingly incompetent about religions. Same goes for most “youtube programmers” etc.
Therefore real wisdom is never in podcasts, but rather in unpopular or time proven books.
7. Crowd is always dumber than individual people in it.
2. Things are not important at all. People are. Relationships are. Intentions and actions are.
3. Money matters. If you’re a professional - the smartest thing to do is optimize your career for the income, while doing what you can and love doing best.
Everything else (titles, satisfaction, feeling of importance, carbon footprint reduction or whatever is that you think important) follows the money eventually.
4. Decent people are usually excellent colleagues, good bosses, great employees. But not vice versa.
5. There are no simple answers to complex questions. But there are more and less correct answers. Not everything is just a matter of opinion (i.e. relativism doesn’t work).
6. Popular people are almost never best experts in their fields. Because they are busy being popular while true experts are busy being experts.
For example Jordan Peterson is far from being the best clinical psychologist. Or Richard Dawkins who is amazingly incompetent about religions. Same goes for most “youtube programmers” etc.
Therefore real wisdom is never in podcasts, but rather in unpopular or time proven books.
7. Crowd is always dumber than individual people in it.
2 and 3 are an amusing combo
Money is not a thing. More like a form of energy, or media.
Make money to buy a fancy car is not important.
Make money to invest in kids education is meaningful.
This is what I meant.
Make money to buy a fancy car is not important.
Make money to invest in kids education is meaningful.
This is what I meant.
You need money to survive. Hence, it's wise to optimise your life to obtain money with minimum suffering involved.
6 is so true
Everyone has rituals. Incorporating rituals of gratitude is a life hack.
Tech was the wrong career for me. Although I've been wildly successful on several indicators (startup acquired, another going public, FAANG, etc.), it was the worst career I could've been in for social success.
I should've done medicine, law, or finance. Any of those would've been miles ahead in terms of social status. Maybe I would've made less money (at least by this age - long term, it could balance out) but I wouldn't be grouped in with skinny fat nerds, overweight neckbeard redditors, or incels just cause of my profession. Similarly, I didn't know that 80% of my peers would be FOBs who have no interest in assimilating. When I look at the majority of those peers, they refuse to interact with anyone who isn't part of their home culture. This isn't exclusive to tech (if I was a quant it'd be the same issue) but it is insane all the same.
So, yeah, socially it's complete suicide. I had my reasons for not going into medicine, law, or finance but I should've ignored them and done it anyway.
I should've done medicine, law, or finance. Any of those would've been miles ahead in terms of social status. Maybe I would've made less money (at least by this age - long term, it could balance out) but I wouldn't be grouped in with skinny fat nerds, overweight neckbeard redditors, or incels just cause of my profession. Similarly, I didn't know that 80% of my peers would be FOBs who have no interest in assimilating. When I look at the majority of those peers, they refuse to interact with anyone who isn't part of their home culture. This isn't exclusive to tech (if I was a quant it'd be the same issue) but it is insane all the same.
So, yeah, socially it's complete suicide. I had my reasons for not going into medicine, law, or finance but I should've ignored them and done it anyway.
The older I get the less I care about others opinion of me.
I can only "buckle down" for a certain number of years before I become insanely depressed and start asking what life has to offer for me
"Of course I'll focus on happiness and not obsess over early retiring as soon as possible" but then I obsessed a little anyway, spending almost no money on myself and staying miserable
Also the world is full of stupid assholes but even teenagers already know this
"Of course I'll focus on happiness and not obsess over early retiring as soon as possible" but then I obsessed a little anyway, spending almost no money on myself and staying miserable
Also the world is full of stupid assholes but even teenagers already know this
Travel and sex aren't as fun, and people aren't as interested in knowing you or being friends.
> people aren't as interested in knowing you or being friends.
Please share your experience.
Please share your experience.
Funny take. My life experience brought me the opposite realization :)
Good for you. Do you want an award for shitting eating grins or trolling?
oh that's what other people's happiness makes you feel about them?
That's probably contributing to your misery. It is clear now why nobody want to be your friend.
That's probably contributing to your misery. It is clear now why nobody want to be your friend.
Could not disagree more
Speak for yourself, do not minimize or argue with my experience because it is different. Boundaries, differences, and respect.
It's okay to disagree! I didn't say their opinion was wrong.
Nobody knows anything.
True, everyone's putting on a show but nobody has actually figured it out.
Except for this statement
Exercise and STRETCHING are non-negotiable. The older you get, the more that stretching matters.
Strength training is a good idea.
I started when I was 22; still feel great at 35. Hoping to continue for much, much longer.
Strength training is a good idea.
I started when I was 22; still feel great at 35. Hoping to continue for much, much longer.
I still feel like I'm a teenager, both in mind and body. I did took better care of my health on older age than when I was younger tho so I wasn't in my prime in my 20s.
Life is short and limited and you will die sooner than you think.
That I'm a Dunning-Kruger idiot, and that I wish I had never asserted most of what I've asserted. I've cut myself off from most people that I've ever known because of this. End-stage embarrassment?
I assert that I'm 67 years old.
I assert that I'm 67 years old.
Man is a beast by nature. Takes effort to be human.
He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.
Have a creative outlet.
You can still make poop jokes when you're old
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