Ask HN: Advice for a Soon to Be Father
10 comments
- It will be fine. It turns out that evolution prepared your mind for this. You'll step into the role comfortably once you've gotten through the first time experiences with newborns.
- You'll feel things you never felt before. One of the ways evolution prepared you is that you'll feel a new kind of pride when your child accomplishes anything new. I still remember vividly both of my daughter's first steps after 20 years. People who are never fathers will never feel this exact emotion. It can be surprising.
- Another feeling you will likely encounter is the 'rescue response'. It's a kind of flow state your mind will go into if your child is in imminent physical danger. It's happened to me twice in 20 years. No thinking, time freezes, only acting to remove them from the danger.
- An important one is that the mother's personality is going to change. It will be fine, but be prepared to see a new side of her that she likely won't know herself. Evolution has prepared her, too, and in even more impactful ways. I'd suggest reading 'The Female Brain' by Louanne Brizendine. It's research and science based and will help explain a lot of what's coming.
- Fatherhood is the 'meaning of life' for men. Preparing your children to be successful human adults is what you're all about. If you accept that and run with it, you'll have a fulfilling life.
- It will be fine.
- You'll feel things you never felt before. One of the ways evolution prepared you is that you'll feel a new kind of pride when your child accomplishes anything new. I still remember vividly both of my daughter's first steps after 20 years. People who are never fathers will never feel this exact emotion. It can be surprising.
- Another feeling you will likely encounter is the 'rescue response'. It's a kind of flow state your mind will go into if your child is in imminent physical danger. It's happened to me twice in 20 years. No thinking, time freezes, only acting to remove them from the danger.
- An important one is that the mother's personality is going to change. It will be fine, but be prepared to see a new side of her that she likely won't know herself. Evolution has prepared her, too, and in even more impactful ways. I'd suggest reading 'The Female Brain' by Louanne Brizendine. It's research and science based and will help explain a lot of what's coming.
- Fatherhood is the 'meaning of life' for men. Preparing your children to be successful human adults is what you're all about. If you accept that and run with it, you'll have a fulfilling life.
- It will be fine.
> You'll feel things you never felt before.
For sure. And the pre-kids days will fade from memory, to be replaced by new sets of values, priorities, and joys.
For sure. And the pre-kids days will fade from memory, to be replaced by new sets of values, priorities, and joys.
The most important thing is that you calm down, because you will just learn a lot of great stuff as a father. Also, first 3 months you will have to support your wife, take care of many thing and you will learn a lot of life lessons that you couldn't learn anywhere. Be less on the phone and in front of TV and take care of your sleep and mental rest (meditation). Look at it as the Life University, because since I got my first kid, I have learned so much about life that helped in business and in every other segment of being a human. Just relax and learn from everything. And whatever happens, be supportive to your wife, because if she is feeling well, with baby and you will be well.
You need to be strong for your wife and child. This is only the beginning. Your wife will be physically and emotionally tired all the time. Your child will be screaming all the time. Your wife will take out her frustrations on you. This is normal. You need to develop patience and understanding. You need to be the calm one and the rational one. You are in for an eighteen year marathon or longer. Eat right. Get enough sleep. Try to think clearly and thoughtfully for your family.
You'll lose out on a lot. The baby will take up your life. You might even resent the child at first. This is only for the first 2 years though. Just slog through it and don't take too many risks in life. The next child gets easier as you get more experience. There's an awful lot to learn, but you'll learn fine.
I also recommend spending a little time with them, a minimum of 10 minutes. Listen to them, observe them, and let them figure things on their own. Babies know how to communicate at 2 months. By 6 months, they usually know how to say no or yes, in their own way (nodding, grouchy faces, and so on).
Every child is different too. Entirely different behaviors, and much of it is nature. They'll act very different to what's normally documented, and sometimes it's hard to know the effects of your parenting.
The biggest mistake people do with newborns is not giving them enough sleep. Newborns have trouble sleeping when they're tired, and are tired because they don't have enough sleep. They tire out after about 5 min of playing. Don't go out at night with the baby, let them sleep at 7 PM.
I also recommend spending a little time with them, a minimum of 10 minutes. Listen to them, observe them, and let them figure things on their own. Babies know how to communicate at 2 months. By 6 months, they usually know how to say no or yes, in their own way (nodding, grouchy faces, and so on).
Every child is different too. Entirely different behaviors, and much of it is nature. They'll act very different to what's normally documented, and sometimes it's hard to know the effects of your parenting.
The biggest mistake people do with newborns is not giving them enough sleep. Newborns have trouble sleeping when they're tired, and are tired because they don't have enough sleep. They tire out after about 5 min of playing. Don't go out at night with the baby, let them sleep at 7 PM.
0. You need to decide now that your job is Father first... friend second. Some day you'll have to fall back on that decision, get it out of the way now.
1. Chux Pads - put one of these down, then the baby... any liquids or other output are contained by the absorbent layer and stopped by the plastic on the back
2. Have a trash can with a lid, operated by foot, near the crib. Have a large supply of bags, empty daily, regardless of fill percentage.
3. Odors etc... you'll deal with it, no big deal.
4. You will notice a parallel world, stores like Once Upon A Child, that you never contemplated between the ones you did... this is normal.
5. Take lots of photos, back them up. They look different almost every week for the first 10 years or so. Don't try to get them to pose, just start taking photos, and throw away all the bad ones, photos cost $0.00 these days.
1. Chux Pads - put one of these down, then the baby... any liquids or other output are contained by the absorbent layer and stopped by the plastic on the back
2. Have a trash can with a lid, operated by foot, near the crib. Have a large supply of bags, empty daily, regardless of fill percentage.
3. Odors etc... you'll deal with it, no big deal.
4. You will notice a parallel world, stores like Once Upon A Child, that you never contemplated between the ones you did... this is normal.
5. Take lots of photos, back them up. They look different almost every week for the first 10 years or so. Don't try to get them to pose, just start taking photos, and throw away all the bad ones, photos cost $0.00 these days.
At some point you'll have to discipline / correct behavior. Don't worry about screwing this up. You WILL screw up. Thankful, kids almost never learn the first time, so you'll have another chance to get it right. (and another, and another...)
Get a Sleepea swaddle sack. Trust me.
Sleep train sooner rather than later.
I replied to a similar post many years ago and will just it pate it here again:
First, congratulations!! I can give you a few important things to keep in mind (just had a baby..well 5 months now) - Prepare for delivery at a hospital that you are comfortable with. Go take a maternity tour by arranging one in advance. This way, you know where to go exactly when the day comes without any confusions. The guided tours are usually pretty good and they show you the Labor Delivery and Post Partem rooms. Since you are a couple of months away, I hope you have already done this. If not, do it asap
- Buy an infant car seat or borrow one from your family/friends if you can. We use Graco brand for our baby and highly recommend it. For infants, you need a rear facing car seat. This link can give you ideas. [1]
- Make sure you get the car seat in advance and learn how to install it in your car. Depending on car models, it could be different. In more recent years, cars usually have a child seat hook/harness that you can attach the seat to. Look for it and make sure you practice. Note: Some hospitals are very strict on how the newborn is taken out in a carseat and will supervise you as well.
- Depending on the season, ensure you have proper clothes ready for the baby. Cold or warm, prepare accordingly. Our baby was born in March and it was very cold (eastcost). So we prepared accordingly with baby blankets etc on top of the clothes. Shop around for newborn clothes [2]
- Strollers, we use Graco again and works really good for us. [3]
- Get a pediatrician for the baby. Usually, the hospital will ask you if you already have one. If not, then they will assign you one during the delivery but if possible, get one beforehand so that you baby can be seen by the same during delivery and afterwards.
- Diapers and wipes. These will be big items for you to buy all the time. We use Pampers swaddlers diapers. It has wetness indicator (yellow turns blue if diaper is wet). You will probably start witha size 1 for newborn and slowly move to bigger sizes. For wipes, we use Pampers sensitive wipes.
- Breast milk and pumping: If the mother decides to pump which we found out to be easier for us, get a breast pump. Sometimes, your insurance can pay for it. I think Obamacare has the provision. So you might get it for free or very cheap.
- Formula: Depending on your individual case, you will use formula in addition to breast milk if any. For formula, we use Similac Advance Early shield. It comes as powder or liquid. Powder is cheaper but you need to do additional work to mix it with warm water. I suggest keep both because for travelling, the liquid one is handy while at home, you can use the cheaper powder option
- Bottles. Go to a local babiesrus and take a look. We use these [6]. Nipple type and size matters as well. Talk to some friends/family to get an idea.
- Buy a crib. Don't go for something too fancy in my opinion. Just get one that works for your baby. You will see 4-in-1 convertibles etc. Explore and see what works for your baby
- Buy a swing. We found it easier to put our newborn to sleep if she was cranky. Sometimes, they dont like to lie in a crib but the swings helps (with light white noise/music). It was very useful to us for first 3 months. our baby outgrew it afterwards though:)
- Use http://www.babycenter.com and even add your email for updates. They have the best tips, articles and even track your progress throughout including post delivery.
- Be kinder to your wife especially as she goes through new emotions herself and can sometimes become what the docs called Post Partem Depression.
- Take lot of videos and pictures of your baby for the first 1-3 years as they will grow very fast during that time and you will never get those moments back.
- Many more I am sure. But these will give you some insights. All the best to you and your family.
First, congratulations!! I can give you a few important things to keep in mind (just had a baby..well 5 months now) - Prepare for delivery at a hospital that you are comfortable with. Go take a maternity tour by arranging one in advance. This way, you know where to go exactly when the day comes without any confusions. The guided tours are usually pretty good and they show you the Labor Delivery and Post Partem rooms. Since you are a couple of months away, I hope you have already done this. If not, do it asap
- Buy an infant car seat or borrow one from your family/friends if you can. We use Graco brand for our baby and highly recommend it. For infants, you need a rear facing car seat. This link can give you ideas. [1]
- Make sure you get the car seat in advance and learn how to install it in your car. Depending on car models, it could be different. In more recent years, cars usually have a child seat hook/harness that you can attach the seat to. Look for it and make sure you practice. Note: Some hospitals are very strict on how the newborn is taken out in a carseat and will supervise you as well.
- Depending on the season, ensure you have proper clothes ready for the baby. Cold or warm, prepare accordingly. Our baby was born in March and it was very cold (eastcost). So we prepared accordingly with baby blankets etc on top of the clothes. Shop around for newborn clothes [2]
- Strollers, we use Graco again and works really good for us. [3]
- Get a pediatrician for the baby. Usually, the hospital will ask you if you already have one. If not, then they will assign you one during the delivery but if possible, get one beforehand so that you baby can be seen by the same during delivery and afterwards.
- Diapers and wipes. These will be big items for you to buy all the time. We use Pampers swaddlers diapers. It has wetness indicator (yellow turns blue if diaper is wet). You will probably start witha size 1 for newborn and slowly move to bigger sizes. For wipes, we use Pampers sensitive wipes.
- Breast milk and pumping: If the mother decides to pump which we found out to be easier for us, get a breast pump. Sometimes, your insurance can pay for it. I think Obamacare has the provision. So you might get it for free or very cheap.
- Formula: Depending on your individual case, you will use formula in addition to breast milk if any. For formula, we use Similac Advance Early shield. It comes as powder or liquid. Powder is cheaper but you need to do additional work to mix it with warm water. I suggest keep both because for travelling, the liquid one is handy while at home, you can use the cheaper powder option
- Bottles. Go to a local babiesrus and take a look. We use these [6]. Nipple type and size matters as well. Talk to some friends/family to get an idea.
- Buy a crib. Don't go for something too fancy in my opinion. Just get one that works for your baby. You will see 4-in-1 convertibles etc. Explore and see what works for your baby
- Buy a swing. We found it easier to put our newborn to sleep if she was cranky. Sometimes, they dont like to lie in a crib but the swings helps (with light white noise/music). It was very useful to us for first 3 months. our baby outgrew it afterwards though:)
- Use http://www.babycenter.com and even add your email for updates. They have the best tips, articles and even track your progress throughout including post delivery.
- Be kinder to your wife especially as she goes through new emotions herself and can sometimes become what the docs called Post Partem Depression.
- Take lot of videos and pictures of your baby for the first 1-3 years as they will grow very fast during that time and you will never get those moments back.
- Many more I am sure. But these will give you some insights. All the best to you and your family.
[deleted]
Edit: we are at the hospital right now doing the delivery (hence the freaking out!)