How do you hide a war from your loved one?(thestar.com)
thestar.com
How do you hide a war from your loved one?
https://www.thestar.com/news/world/2019/09/12/how-do-you-hide-a-war-from-your-loved-one-lie-about-everything-including-the-bombs.html
6 comments
At least part of this is about a real world example of a family hiding the existence of WWI from their elderly relative until she died at age 100.
Fascinating to think about from a number of angles. We all exist within some set of beliefs that shape our lives, for better or for worse. They no doubt routinely contain inaccuracies on a routine basis, often for benign reasons, but we also get intentionally deceived plenty.
Fascinating to think about from a number of angles. We all exist within some set of beliefs that shape our lives, for better or for worse. They no doubt routinely contain inaccuracies on a routine basis, often for benign reasons, but we also get intentionally deceived plenty.
however well intentioned, this boils down to people deciding for and controlling others. disrespecting them, treating them less than fully human, less than themselves. that is the underlying evil in all evil actions.
No. That's a very cynical interpretation of the events. In fact, it was the human instinct to protect those that need protection (elderly, children) that was the driving force.
American Life had a podcast about a Chinese family that hid their elderly matriarch's terminal diagnosis from her. The story is similar in spirit to this one. Whatever you may think of that decision, it was not an evil act. In another podcast, the adults shielded their girlscout troop from the harsh realities of a POW camp similar to 'Life is Beautiful'.
Sometimes, people will decide to carry a burden on behalf of others, and in general that is a deeply admirable quality.
American Life had a podcast about a Chinese family that hid their elderly matriarch's terminal diagnosis from her. The story is similar in spirit to this one. Whatever you may think of that decision, it was not an evil act. In another podcast, the adults shielded their girlscout troop from the harsh realities of a POW camp similar to 'Life is Beautiful'.
Sometimes, people will decide to carry a burden on behalf of others, and in general that is a deeply admirable quality.
It only really works if you can keep it up, because once the curtain drops you could be looking at a level of deceit or betrayal that becomes incredibly difficult to reconcile as the lie becomes more complicated.
I don't think you can call it a burden in that sense if the other person is totally oblivious to it. That's purely a burden of your own creation, because they had no say in it, and you're basically deciding that you don't like the truth, so they won't either, where in reality it could be quite liberating.
In that sense, I don't feel that's quite as compassionate as giving someone the truth and then supporting them through that if they need it; carrying that burden together if indeed it is a burden to them. It might not be.
I don't think you can call it a burden in that sense if the other person is totally oblivious to it. That's purely a burden of your own creation, because they had no say in it, and you're basically deciding that you don't like the truth, so they won't either, where in reality it could be quite liberating.
In that sense, I don't feel that's quite as compassionate as giving someone the truth and then supporting them through that if they need it; carrying that burden together if indeed it is a burden to them. It might not be.
> [3rd paragraph]
I'd generally agree for functioning humans, but am less sure about older people with deteriorating mental functions. There is likely no getting though it, and I can hardly handle it.
Not when meeting my grandpa on one of his last days before he ended himself a few years ago in what was probably one of his clearer states of mind. Apparently they mostly shielded us from how bad his state was and honestly, I'm fine with that lie. Knowing would probably lead to something better, like some magical cure.
Now my grandma a fall, following operations and a re-occurring delirium/confusional state that doesn't seem to go away. She wants to go back to her home, but that's no option in her state. If a little lie would help keep her stable...
As for myself, I obviously hope medicine & science will make enough progress in the next few decades to spare me something like that. Or to be lucky and not have that problem in the first place. But if it comes to that... I don't know. Maybe just try to keep me happy.
I'd generally agree for functioning humans, but am less sure about older people with deteriorating mental functions. There is likely no getting though it, and I can hardly handle it.
Not when meeting my grandpa on one of his last days before he ended himself a few years ago in what was probably one of his clearer states of mind. Apparently they mostly shielded us from how bad his state was and honestly, I'm fine with that lie. Knowing would probably lead to something better, like some magical cure.
Now my grandma a fall, following operations and a re-occurring delirium/confusional state that doesn't seem to go away. She wants to go back to her home, but that's no option in her state. If a little lie would help keep her stable...
As for myself, I obviously hope medicine & science will make enough progress in the next few decades to spare me something like that. Or to be lucky and not have that problem in the first place. But if it comes to that... I don't know. Maybe just try to keep me happy.
>It only really works if you can keep it up, because once the curtain drops you could be looking at a level of deceit or betrayal that becomes incredibly difficult to reconcile as the lie becomes more complicated.
Maybe. Maybe not. Depends on the situation.
>I don't think you can call it a burden in that sense if the other person is totally oblivious to it. That's purely a burden of your own creation
So we can call it a 'burden' - why argue semantics if you agree?
>because they had no say in it, and you're basically deciding that you don't like the truth, so they won't either
Another cynical interpretation. No. That's not necessarily the consideration. That's not necessarily the right interpretation.
> where in reality it could be quite liberating.
Maybe. Maybe not.
>I don't feel that's quite as compassionate as giving someone the truth and then supporting them through that if they need it;
Maybe. Maybe not.
Maybe. Maybe not. Depends on the situation.
>I don't think you can call it a burden in that sense if the other person is totally oblivious to it. That's purely a burden of your own creation
So we can call it a 'burden' - why argue semantics if you agree?
>because they had no say in it, and you're basically deciding that you don't like the truth, so they won't either
Another cynical interpretation. No. That's not necessarily the consideration. That's not necessarily the right interpretation.
> where in reality it could be quite liberating.
Maybe. Maybe not.
>I don't feel that's quite as compassionate as giving someone the truth and then supporting them through that if they need it;
Maybe. Maybe not.
I’ve suffered people who think they’re mind readers and know what’s best for me. Whatever burden they thought I was carrying, they couldn’t have got it any more wrong. Those people stopped being a part of my life when I realised what was was going on, because what
I felt was betrayed. My own feelings didn’t matter, it was their feelings about what they assumed about me that were more important to them.
As such, I would favour open communication instead of being ‘protected’. That requires serious trust. And a lot of these games that we play depend on a lack of trust.
There’s nothing cynical about this, we’ve all done things with good intentions in mind only to get bad results. Oftentimes it’s because we’re acting in our own interest and not the person we’re putting it on.
As such, I would favour open communication instead of being ‘protected’. That requires serious trust. And a lot of these games that we play depend on a lack of trust.
There’s nothing cynical about this, we’ve all done things with good intentions in mind only to get bad results. Oftentimes it’s because we’re acting in our own interest and not the person we’re putting it on.
It depends. That's all I'm saying here. It is t an absolute answer.
The Chinese family anecdote sounds like it might be the basis for critically acclaimed indie film The Farewell that just came out.
Indeed it is [1]
[1]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Farewell_(2019_film)#Produ...
[1]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Farewell_(2019_film)#Produ...
On a related note, it seems your account had been shadow-banned until this comment.
That usually means that someone "vouched" for the specific comment using the vouch link on the individual comment page. This turns off the "dead" flag for that one comment.
I already see the creative writing story... when she dies, goes to heaven... and is shocked to find it full of young soldiers...
Write it - a brilliant denouement that goes to the heart of the issue.
I feel the author badly misses the point here. It's not that a person in difficult conditions will necessarily suffer horribly from knowing bad things; they might give up in despair, or they might rise to the occasion and do something startling with the limited options that are available to them.
What's really being protected here are the feelings of the more knowledgeable people; preserving an illusion for the vulnerable serves as a reservoir of hope for those already in despair. This is the 'noble lie' of Plato's Republic (sometimes referred to as a 'pious fiction' in religious terms; likewise the field of law is awash with 'legal fictions' that everyone knows are fictional but which are easier to maintain than addressing the underlying problem). The false picture of a reliable teleology serves to soothe the anxiety that would arise if it was widely appreciated that the people in charge don't know what they're doing a lot of the time and are just making slightly better informed guesses.
While individuals, tribes, and small societies can overcome that anxiety, accept uncertainty and persevere or even thrive, the larger a society becomes the more difficult it is to promulgate ideas and actions within it, and (perhaps more importantly) the greater the incentives for those who benefit most from the fiction to uphold or elaborate it at the expense of others.
Of course, most of us are wired to be protective of children and minimize unnecessary anxiety in favor of harmony. It can be both a kindness and good strategy to shield the vulnerable in hopes that they'll make it through bad times relatively unscathed. But taken to excess, it robs individuals of their agency for the sake of a comforting sentiment, imprisoning them in a gilded cage for the nostalgic pleasure of their jailers who are mourning their own loss of innocence. Should the cage be breached, the unwary inhabitant may fall from a cradle into a horror for which they are utterly unprepared, a far crueler fate than the most pessimistic decline.
What's really being protected here are the feelings of the more knowledgeable people; preserving an illusion for the vulnerable serves as a reservoir of hope for those already in despair. This is the 'noble lie' of Plato's Republic (sometimes referred to as a 'pious fiction' in religious terms; likewise the field of law is awash with 'legal fictions' that everyone knows are fictional but which are easier to maintain than addressing the underlying problem). The false picture of a reliable teleology serves to soothe the anxiety that would arise if it was widely appreciated that the people in charge don't know what they're doing a lot of the time and are just making slightly better informed guesses.
While individuals, tribes, and small societies can overcome that anxiety, accept uncertainty and persevere or even thrive, the larger a society becomes the more difficult it is to promulgate ideas and actions within it, and (perhaps more importantly) the greater the incentives for those who benefit most from the fiction to uphold or elaborate it at the expense of others.
Of course, most of us are wired to be protective of children and minimize unnecessary anxiety in favor of harmony. It can be both a kindness and good strategy to shield the vulnerable in hopes that they'll make it through bad times relatively unscathed. But taken to excess, it robs individuals of their agency for the sake of a comforting sentiment, imprisoning them in a gilded cage for the nostalgic pleasure of their jailers who are mourning their own loss of innocence. Should the cage be breached, the unwary inhabitant may fall from a cradle into a horror for which they are utterly unprepared, a far crueler fate than the most pessimistic decline.
Not a war, yet still a pretty big happening, a paradigm shift that can be very traumatic too - East Germany from socialism into capitalism and unification. How you hide that? A good and funny movie https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Good_Bye,_Lenin! :
"The story follows a family in East Germany; the mother (Saß) is dedicated to the socialist cause and falls into a coma in October 1989, shortly before the November revolution. When she awakens eight months later in June 1990, her son (Brühl) attempts to protect her from a fatal shock by concealing the fall of the Berlin Wall and the collapse of communism. "
"The story follows a family in East Germany; the mother (Saß) is dedicated to the socialist cause and falls into a coma in October 1989, shortly before the November revolution. When she awakens eight months later in June 1990, her son (Brühl) attempts to protect her from a fatal shock by concealing the fall of the Berlin Wall and the collapse of communism. "
There is also this Italian movie about a kid in a nazi concentration camp and his father making everything possible to pretend they are just playing a game: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Life_Is_Beautiful
It's named and talked about at length in the article.
It is a very good film though.
Part of the beauty of the movie is that at the end the mother appears to have been aware of, and amused by, the ruse all along. One wonders if the same is true of the OP's real-life story.
For the rest of her life my grandmother used the Army training my dad for jungle warfare and then stationing him in Alaska as an example of government mismanagement.