The Science of Passionate Sex(blogs.scientificamerican.com)
blogs.scientificamerican.com
The Science of Passionate Sex
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/the-science-of-passionate-sex/
11 comments
I am 42 and having the best sex of my life with my wife married 16 years ago. The book The Enlightened Sex Manual [0] is a great ressource on that matter.
TL;DR of the book: ejaculate less often, be more awake during sex.
[0] https://www.amazon.fr/Enlightened-Sex-Manual-Sexual-Superior...
TL;DR of the book: ejaculate less often, be more awake during sex.
[0] https://www.amazon.fr/Enlightened-Sex-Manual-Sexual-Superior...
If I married a woman 15 years younger than me and then kept the interpersonal tension high it would probably be great sex when it happened. I don't care for the drama and the WTF 'gtfo' nights when you are involved at that level.
The whole ejaculate less and be more awake thing I can scarcely contemplate seriously. If all it comes down to is satisfying your partner while wide eyed and eager for 'great sex' you are sadly mistaken and won't convince anyone other than sad sacks looking for formula.
The whole ejaculate less and be more awake thing I can scarcely contemplate seriously. If all it comes down to is satisfying your partner while wide eyed and eager for 'great sex' you are sadly mistaken and won't convince anyone other than sad sacks looking for formula.
"There is a 'spiritual' aspect to sex that
I have not experienced much but that is because
it seemed laborious and counter-intuitive."
Here's the science for you all. The key to passionate sex is actually caring about the person you're having sex with. Hooking up on Tinder isn't going to give you that.
Maybe you're not capable of a passionate hookup, but you're fooling yourself if you don't realize that people have very passionate sex from hookups all the time. In fact, the excitement of a strong mutual sexual attraction to a new person can heighten the sexual passion.
Some people might not understand this because it's better explained by simply experiencing it. It's an equally valid mindset just as the article's mindset, and just as equally valid as not having sex until marriage if that's what you choose. It's also very similar to fetishes -- experiencing it is just too different from watching videos or demos.
"The key to passionate sex is actually caring about the person you're having sex with."
That sounds nice, but it's a load of baloney. I would wager that most people over the age of 20 (25?, 30?) have experienced a significant relationship(s) where the sex tends to be passionate (and frequent) at the very beginning, and tapers off and becomes less frequent, less passionate, more boring as time goes on (and years drag by). In fact, that is the typical progression of sex in a committed, caring relationship. So, no, I would not say that the key is "actually caring about the person".
I haven't read the linked article yet, but the subject reminds me of some work done by a psychologist named David Schnarch, who has built a career and written several books on the subject. These include a book called _Passionate Marriage_, intended as self-help for a lay audience, and _Constructing the Sexual Crucible_, which is more of a technical handbook for therapists and counselors.
See http://passionatemarriage.com/
http://passionatemarriage.com/catalog/15
Alain de Botton also examines the issue in a similar way on the impressive "Book of Life" website. E.g., he says:
"In a wiser world, we would collectively admit that the very rare cases where love and sex did run together were astonishing exceptions with no relevance whatsoever to most of our lives. We would instead learn to pay admiring attention to those who had accepted with a reasonable show of dignity and grace that the natural price of long-term togetherness is a decline in the quality and frequency of sexual contact – and that this is, in a great many cases, a price very much worth paying."
http://www.thebookoflife.org/love-and-sex/
http://www.thebookoflife.org/category/relationships/
That sounds nice, but it's a load of baloney. I would wager that most people over the age of 20 (25?, 30?) have experienced a significant relationship(s) where the sex tends to be passionate (and frequent) at the very beginning, and tapers off and becomes less frequent, less passionate, more boring as time goes on (and years drag by). In fact, that is the typical progression of sex in a committed, caring relationship. So, no, I would not say that the key is "actually caring about the person".
I haven't read the linked article yet, but the subject reminds me of some work done by a psychologist named David Schnarch, who has built a career and written several books on the subject. These include a book called _Passionate Marriage_, intended as self-help for a lay audience, and _Constructing the Sexual Crucible_, which is more of a technical handbook for therapists and counselors.
See http://passionatemarriage.com/
http://passionatemarriage.com/catalog/15
Alain de Botton also examines the issue in a similar way on the impressive "Book of Life" website. E.g., he says:
"In a wiser world, we would collectively admit that the very rare cases where love and sex did run together were astonishing exceptions with no relevance whatsoever to most of our lives. We would instead learn to pay admiring attention to those who had accepted with a reasonable show of dignity and grace that the natural price of long-term togetherness is a decline in the quality and frequency of sexual contact – and that this is, in a great many cases, a price very much worth paying."
http://www.thebookoflife.org/love-and-sex/
http://www.thebookoflife.org/category/relationships/
"We would instead learn to pay admiring attention to those who had accepted with a reasonable show of dignity and grace that the natural price of long-term togetherness is a decline in the quality and frequency of sexual contact – and that this is, in a great many cases, a price very much worth paying."
Is it possible to accept that and remain monogamous?
Because for many, when one is bored with their current partner, passionate sex is just an affair away.
Is it possible to accept that and remain monogamous?
Because for many, when one is bored with their current partner, passionate sex is just an affair away.
> Is it possible to accept that and remain monogamous?
I think this is something very personal and varies from person to person. To some sex in a long-term relationship is important, to some it isn't. Some hop from partner to partner, some stay committed for decades. There's probably not a one-size-fits-all and there doesn't have to be.
I think this is something very personal and varies from person to person. To some sex in a long-term relationship is important, to some it isn't. Some hop from partner to partner, some stay committed for decades. There's probably not a one-size-fits-all and there doesn't have to be.
Well sure, and many people have affairs for this reason. On the other hand, many don't out of respect for their partner or their own values.
Caring and hooking up on Tinder are not mutually exclusive.
There is no way I am at any level of caring for someone, after just meeting them. That's just impossible.
It is possible to, say, care about some archetype, and then perceive that archetype in a person you've recently met, and apply your feelings to them. There are people that find it easy to fall deeply in love quickly. I think this is what goes on in their heads.
Not caring at even the basic level strikes me as a lack of empathy.
Perhaps you are a very cautious person, that's your prerogative. What about that statement makes you think it applies equally to everyone else?
I totally believe that is the key to passionate sex for you, however it's certainly not universal.
I'm married now but the most passionate sex I ever had in my life was a one night stand with someone I only knew in passing and haven't seen since.
I'm married now but the most passionate sex I ever had in my life was a one night stand with someone I only knew in passing and haven't seen since.
> The key... caring about the person you're having sex with
Biologically and historically this is far from being so. Among animals, sex is often aggressive rather than "caring"; the history of humans, too, shows that opportunities of this nature arise from a fierce competition and also from what effectively amounts to slavery.
Biologically and historically this is far from being so. Among animals, sex is often aggressive rather than "caring"; the history of humans, too, shows that opportunities of this nature arise from a fierce competition and also from what effectively amounts to slavery.
You are not representative of people on the whole.
Is the actual paper available or just the abstract?
If you paste the title into SciHub[0] you'll get the PDF
[0] http://sci-hub.cc/
[0] http://sci-hub.cc/
Sorry, paywall'd. Will post link to actual paper when available.
Companion article from Scientific American:
The Science of Passionate Sex
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/the-sci...
Companion article from Scientific American:
The Science of Passionate Sex
https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/beautiful-minds/the-sci...
Anyone think we've maybe gone a little too far with the scientific method when we start seeing headlines like this. (I'm sure the paper itself is very good - the title just amused me)
The real title of the paper is "Understanding the Cognitive and Motivational Underpinnings of Sexual Passion From a Dualistic Model".
and before we could even care about that person, we have to care about ourself first :) .. to love ourself first. and I think ways to love ourself, and this is where it kind of get in full circle:
- surround ourselves with love (caring people)
- take care of our body, exercise daily and not too over exercise
- not to over eat
- and have sex with your love one :)
This is like a short ad for NoFap.
Short on details. Should have explained factors that contribute to obsessive or harmonious sexuality. Not really much one can do with this article.
Short on details. Should have explained factors that contribute to obsessive or harmonious sexuality. Not really much one can do with this article.
This article feels like it has been written by my wife, telling me I'm a primitive horny male. I was hoping on a bit more science and less talk about harmony, wellness, wholesomeness, totality of being and other intangible concepts. While not bad advice for many, as a straight-forward male, I'm not sure what to do with advice such as accept your sexuality and be more open.
The most important factor is that both people care for sex to be good, though I don't agree that both people might be looking for the exact same thing; being able to give each other what each wants without giving up your own needs and desires is probably the hard part.
The most important factor is that both people care for sex to be good, though I don't agree that both people might be looking for the exact same thing; being able to give each other what each wants without giving up your own needs and desires is probably the hard part.
Who needs passionate sex when I have my lovely python?
There are lots of ways to create a passionate sexual response in the human animal. https://hypnosisfetish.com [NSFW]
My definition of good sex is uninhibited and athletic with a committed emotional component.
There is a 'spiritual' aspect to sex that I have not experienced much but that is because it seemed laborious and counter-intuitive.