How to Work Effectively with Someone You Don't Like(forbes.com)
forbes.com
How to Work Effectively with Someone You Don't Like
https://www.forbes.com/sites/tracybrower/2023/11/26/5-ways-to-work-effectively-with-someone-you-really-dont-like/
327 comments
My tip would be: just don't care.
I once was hired as a type of consultant for an internal matter. The company had a lot of in-house developed software from various internal departments situated in different countries.
A whole bunch of representatives traveled to a single location focusing on one such important application. We had 10 local versions of it. Plan is to get rid of all of them and align on what should go into a single new one that was to be built.
The sessions were a total disaster. A tragedy of the commons situation where each representative did not cooperate or align, instead they all tried to "win" each and every little detail. Frustration grew, there was shouting, petty revenge behavior, toddler-like silence (I refuse to further speak), people simply leaving, and even people crying from stress.
In the debrief with the session leader, she was still traumatized. She watched me dutifully make notes and then asked: how do you do this?
During the sessions, which lasted 2 days, I was at perfect peace amidst a bunch of screaming pseudo-adults. Completely unbothered. I'm not talking about controlling my frustration, I had none at all.
Because I don't care. It's a super power. Which obviously needs to be applied responsibly.
I once was hired as a type of consultant for an internal matter. The company had a lot of in-house developed software from various internal departments situated in different countries.
A whole bunch of representatives traveled to a single location focusing on one such important application. We had 10 local versions of it. Plan is to get rid of all of them and align on what should go into a single new one that was to be built.
The sessions were a total disaster. A tragedy of the commons situation where each representative did not cooperate or align, instead they all tried to "win" each and every little detail. Frustration grew, there was shouting, petty revenge behavior, toddler-like silence (I refuse to further speak), people simply leaving, and even people crying from stress.
In the debrief with the session leader, she was still traumatized. She watched me dutifully make notes and then asked: how do you do this?
During the sessions, which lasted 2 days, I was at perfect peace amidst a bunch of screaming pseudo-adults. Completely unbothered. I'm not talking about controlling my frustration, I had none at all.
Because I don't care. It's a super power. Which obviously needs to be applied responsibly.
As far as I understand, the fastest way to correct a work relationship going sour, without having to go through an emotional rollercoaster, is to find a connection, no matter how small. Maybe you both enjoy/dislike something, maybe you're both experts at a particular thing, etc.
I just move on and work with someone else. Not worth the stress.
"You run into an asshole in the morning, you ran into an asshole. You run into assholes all day, you're the asshole." - Raylan Givens
"If you're gonna keep talkin I'm gonna put you in the trunk" - also Raylan Givens
"If you're gonna keep talkin I'm gonna put you in the trunk" - also Raylan Givens
Even worse, what’s the advice for when your cofounder is the ceo, has a higher stake than you, and is borderline incompetent? But you’re funded and the idea has promise. Quite the catch 22. Do you stay and do all the work while this person is along for the ride? Assume you can’t push them out
Back when I worked in the incredibly dysfunctional video game industry, it was common for various key technical people to become soured over the course of the 18 months of 7 day weeks... After they'd threatened to quit multiple times, extorted the studio for as much raise as the studio could afford... they'd call me in to be the guy that talks his attitude down for the duration of the remainder of the production. I have the skills to evaporate anguish, overt aggression, and talk pragmatic sense into people pushed over the edge. You may have heard of the incredibly stressful day to day working at EA Sports; several of those games in the 90's were in serious risk of never completing because the team were going to kill one another - then they called me in.
My only "agreement" going into a position is:
I'll do my best to make you look good, if you do the same for me and everyone else.[1]
Sometimes it works well. Sometimes it doesn't. It's not that I don't like the person per se. It's that that person typically likes themselves too much, and the rest of stand in that shadow (read: blind spot).
People talk about being nice and being kind, etc. at work. Sure, that helps. But first and foremost...Do. Your. Job. And don't neglect the team either.
[1] This work "agreement" is a more optimistic riff on another heuristic I have: When you expect more of me than you do of yourself, we have a problem.
I'll do my best to make you look good, if you do the same for me and everyone else.[1]
Sometimes it works well. Sometimes it doesn't. It's not that I don't like the person per se. It's that that person typically likes themselves too much, and the rest of stand in that shadow (read: blind spot).
People talk about being nice and being kind, etc. at work. Sure, that helps. But first and foremost...Do. Your. Job. And don't neglect the team either.
[1] This work "agreement" is a more optimistic riff on another heuristic I have: When you expect more of me than you do of yourself, we have a problem.
My coworker, a Singaporean gentleman, was an older man who often communicated in a way that was awkward and confusing, making work with him a challenge. He had a habit of spamming Buddhist topics in WhatsApp and boasting about his achievements, especially his daughter, in a manner that felt unprofessional. What made it worse was that he would intentionally give hard massages on my shoulder behind me when I had repeatedly mentioned that I had an injury on my right joint arm.
In the end, the situation became so untenable that I felt compelled to resign from the Japanese MNC. As for my colleague, I hear he's planning to retire with his wife in China, where he can hopefully enjoy an affordable living standard.
I would say that he has an interesting work attitude.
In other workplaces, I was surprised that the company hired a male colleague who had the habit of touching or molesting other male colleagues.
In the end, the situation became so untenable that I felt compelled to resign from the Japanese MNC. As for my colleague, I hear he's planning to retire with his wife in China, where he can hopefully enjoy an affordable living standard.
I would say that he has an interesting work attitude.
In other workplaces, I was surprised that the company hired a male colleague who had the habit of touching or molesting other male colleagues.
These all seem so passive... various forms of "accept it and behave like the problem doesn't exist." What about kind/effective ways to give feedback or communicate about behavior that isn't working?
Am I the only one that sees the most important point is missing?
0. Focus on facts in any conversation with or about the person. Keep anything that is not obviously related to work products out of it.
Yes, especially when you both don't like each other but there is willingness on both sides to achieve same or at least similar goal and have productive relationship, keeping emotions and opinions out of it and focusing on just the facts is, in my opinion, the best way to deal with the situation.
Also, don't comment, spread rumors of any kind about the person you don't like. I tell other people "I may not like the person but I don't find it a problem as long as we both want to achieve the same positive goal for the organisation."
0. Focus on facts in any conversation with or about the person. Keep anything that is not obviously related to work products out of it.
Yes, especially when you both don't like each other but there is willingness on both sides to achieve same or at least similar goal and have productive relationship, keeping emotions and opinions out of it and focusing on just the facts is, in my opinion, the best way to deal with the situation.
Also, don't comment, spread rumors of any kind about the person you don't like. I tell other people "I may not like the person but I don't find it a problem as long as we both want to achieve the same positive goal for the organisation."
If you they don't like you, you should assume they will try to get you fired.
Document get ready to prove anything and everything to HR.
77% issues in business are really just people who dislike you personally.
77% issues in business are really just people who dislike you personally.
Great tips. They may seem obvious, but often aren't. When I was an individual contributor, I encountered my fair share of occasional work disagreements, and fortunately, was able to learn and grow from those experiences without much hassle. I consider myself more relaxed than the average person, so you really need to make an effort to get me stressed. Working in environments with a balanced work culture also help.
After becoming a manager I realized that not only do I need to continue handling occasional personal disagreements with colleagues, but I'm also now responsible for coaching my reportees on how to effectively navigate their own conflicts and occasionally stepping in to mediate. It's been an interesting challenge managing people and helping them become more happy, productive and achieve our business goals as a team.
Shameless plug: In a related matter, I recently wrote simple guidelines and examples on how to communicate better when receiving requests from colleagues, which I noticed is one of the many ways people start developing a negative opinion of their counterpart, fostering conflicts:
- https://thomasvilhena.com/2023/10/guideliness-for-requests-f...
After becoming a manager I realized that not only do I need to continue handling occasional personal disagreements with colleagues, but I'm also now responsible for coaching my reportees on how to effectively navigate their own conflicts and occasionally stepping in to mediate. It's been an interesting challenge managing people and helping them become more happy, productive and achieve our business goals as a team.
Shameless plug: In a related matter, I recently wrote simple guidelines and examples on how to communicate better when receiving requests from colleagues, which I noticed is one of the many ways people start developing a negative opinion of their counterpart, fostering conflicts:
- https://thomasvilhena.com/2023/10/guideliness-for-requests-f...
I disagree mostly.
If they are that obviously disagreeable, others likely also have problems with them and they are just a difficult person to work with. Leadership that allows such a person to run unabated (ie: no corrective action nor termination) is ineffective and weak in my opinion, either purposefully or accidentally.
If you find someone that is strongly disagreeable indefinitely and others in the company voice the same sentiment for long periods, you should leave as soon as possible because somewhere in the chain, there are problems no one is addressing and it will only get worse especially if it is a young company. People like this are a cancer and it will never result in anything good.
If you find someone that is strongly disagreeable and others don't say the same (or even worse, the opposite!), there is a good chance _you_ are the problem and should check-in with yourself why.
People don't rampage through life unchecked for no reason. There is a reason and both you can near immediately fix. Kow-towing to others and just dealing with it isn't solving the problem, it could even be making the situation worse.
If they are that obviously disagreeable, others likely also have problems with them and they are just a difficult person to work with. Leadership that allows such a person to run unabated (ie: no corrective action nor termination) is ineffective and weak in my opinion, either purposefully or accidentally.
If you find someone that is strongly disagreeable indefinitely and others in the company voice the same sentiment for long periods, you should leave as soon as possible because somewhere in the chain, there are problems no one is addressing and it will only get worse especially if it is a young company. People like this are a cancer and it will never result in anything good.
If you find someone that is strongly disagreeable and others don't say the same (or even worse, the opposite!), there is a good chance _you_ are the problem and should check-in with yourself why.
People don't rampage through life unchecked for no reason. There is a reason and both you can near immediately fix. Kow-towing to others and just dealing with it isn't solving the problem, it could even be making the situation worse.
TIL: Visiting Forbes without an ad blocker will trigger epilepsia.
How do you work with someone who has no responsibility? Like "build fixed boss" with link to failed build.
> and 87% have worked with a toxic boss, according to a poll
How many bosses have those polled had? (What's the likelihood that any given boss is toxic?)
How many bosses have those polled had? (What's the likelihood that any given boss is toxic?)
This is easy. The other way around, even more when you're new in the team and the person that doesn't like you is well established is the biggest challenge.
The problem is when people are actively making your life harder just for their own ego.
The best way to deal with it is to vote with your feet.
The best way to deal with it is to vote with your feet.
Interestingly, all these things are required for loving kindness meditation practice as well.
I once had a colleague who hated me to the point she refused to talk to me. The weird thing was I had no idea why. Even when I offered her to have an open conversation, to clarify what happened, and how can I possibly fix it, she just didn't respond. Was kinda difficult to work with her :-)
As in software, the best tool for avoiding errors is to not have the software in the first place.
If you must work with someone, or consider yourself to have an ethical obligation to follow this, this is good advice.
If you don't...
Just slowwwly remove your touchpoints with them. Freeze them out. Go through other channels. If you do this right, the person will feel like you have just gradually drifted apart, but won't be able to pinpoint a clear cause.
You don't have to try and get them fired, or anything (and that may backfire on you, so I don't recommend doing it.) But if enough people do this, then they will gradually be the most replaceable person on the team, and they may be let go regardless.
If you must work with someone, or consider yourself to have an ethical obligation to follow this, this is good advice.
If you don't...
Just slowwwly remove your touchpoints with them. Freeze them out. Go through other channels. If you do this right, the person will feel like you have just gradually drifted apart, but won't be able to pinpoint a clear cause.
You don't have to try and get them fired, or anything (and that may backfire on you, so I don't recommend doing it.) But if enough people do this, then they will gradually be the most replaceable person on the team, and they may be let go regardless.
This is bland advice and only applies in trivial situations where the colleague has bad habits, quirks, etc., which is really most people. Everyone can be annoying if you look for that perspective, but most people are…fine. If someone is actually manipulative or abusive, this advice is tantamount to “chill out, and let them walk all over you.” Actual shitty people don’t usually think they are being shitty and/or they have very powerful rationalization engines and/or short memories. For these actual shitty people, showing respect or “finding a connection” won’t stop their shitty behavior, so what’s the point? Maybe if taking the high road makes you feel better, but really if you find yourself stuck working with one of these people, you should GTFO. That is the critical missing piece from this article.
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When you reach the effective pay/level ceiling you can also decide to play along and wreck a little havoc by for example letting the asshole say too much in meetings or on corporate parties. It's a fine balancing game, where your goal is to create entertainment without negatively impacting your own emotional state. Most people are actually at some sort of a ceiling, for example due to inability or unwillingness to reach higher ("do politics") or to move to a more profitable location/company, even if they don't realize it.
I privately dread being that person that is unliked. So much so that at times I fear it is becoming self-perpetuating. I mostly shut up, for fear of being misunderstood.
Maybe I should use this as a handout.
Maybe I should use this as a handout.
Years ago, I had an issue with a coworker. My mentor told me to pray for them. I cursed him but did it anyway.
About six months later, a different coworker came to me and asked, "How do you get along with X? They really seem to respect you."
I told him that I prayed for X.
He called me an axxhole.
Those five qualities are all great if they can be codified into a delivery system. Don't hate the player, hate the game. If you don't like the game, only one thing to argue about, which is changing the rules of the game. But then the fifth quality kicks in, which is "Letting Go." Trust/improve the process for the sake of using less energy.
How to work with someone who:
1. you have to work with remotely, and
2. never reads your entire e-mails, only the first sentence or (if you're lucky) the first paragraph.
Any ideas?
1. you have to work with remotely, and
2. never reads your entire e-mails, only the first sentence or (if you're lucky) the first paragraph.
Any ideas?
I appreciate these articles but there's always something they overlook: what if the other party doesn't want to play ball? You see it in politics, relationships, business - if the other side is in "I win, you lose" mode, none of these coping strategies really work. That's the article I want to see written.
I have a coworker who is difficult to work with because he insists on political conversations. "Don't engage" is working well there. Every time he tries to talk politics, I immediately shift the conversation to a work topic. I keep hoping that he'll catch the hint, but even if he never does, doing that still avoids unnecessary workplace strife.