Punishing your clients is not a good way for they to lose weight. I propose another solution, when they stick to their goals they should receive a reward that's a better solution, try it and tell us about it. Don't downmod yourself.
You say that this the the wrong problem because you know what you are looking for. But think for a moment, there are lots of people who will put a name in the browser and obtain a lot of queries of people like them. So for people that are curious and like hearing rumours this is a nice tool.
If university are a source of education, knowledge, research and innovation and not a factory for making cars, why should they be managed in the same way?
If people were like a car, you could push the accelerator to make them move quickly, but there is no accelerator to push to achieve the goals of universities.
I think the goal of evolution is colonizing the planet. Once that we are capable of constructing a world-wide network (communications and transport) and colonizing the whole planet then we discover the need of not destroying the planet. We try to be self-sustainable. It begins a race against the clock, a feed-back signal marks the start (scarce resource are getting exhausted). If the feed-back is delayed because we are not enough intelligent to see what is coming then the race is over. We have no time to response and the clock signal announces the end.
The question is: we are more intelligent that a monkey but perhaps not enough intelligent to not destroy our planet.
I admit that I am not going to read the original post, but from a comment: Most basically, because humans are only just on the cusp of general intelligence. I can explain why this is so.
Every time there is a leap from one state to another one, and this latter state is better in the sense that it open new possibilities from transition, then when you get into the new space (the one that this leap open) you realize that the leap was a small one and that there are a lot of leaps to get to the next state (heaven is not one leap away)