"Things that could be trivially done in SQL :("
We use HIVE over HDFS. Sure the type of things we are doing could have been done in SQL, if we had carefully curated our data set and chosen which parts to keep and which to throw away. Unfortunately, we are greedy in the storage phase. Hive allows us to save much more than we reasonably would need, which actually is great when we need to get it long after the insert was made.
The options typically are:
1) Run this package on your own (SQL/HDFS) server and pay use for a licence. Keep your own data and maintain your own servers.
2) Send us the data and we will store a replicate which we serve back to you in dashboards.
3) Let your users use your data on your servers through our web interface.