I feel for you. I've been battling depression every single day for the last 14 years. And most people don't realize this when they see me as the happiness guy in the room. But the analytical-startup-side of me has kept a log of every day, of what works and what doesn't work to change my behavior and mood. Here's what I've found and I hope this helps:
When I'm happy:
- It's when I've written up some code, and feel accomplished
- I've had realistic expectations (of when I finish a project, what I expect from social gatherings, etc)
- I'm not so stressed (and this comes from sleeping on time, doing things in moderation)
When I'm close to being suicidal:
- I have high stress levels
- My plans are not working out as expected (read unrealistic expectations)
- There has been no balance of work/play (say I oversleep, read HN all day and feel unaccomplished)
What to take away from this:
It comes down to stress and expectations. Sleeping early (even though I'm a night owl, and produce great code at night) makes a difference. When you live in the suburbs and no one's there to talk to at night, it really does suck, when the whole town sleeps at 6am. I've gone through several therapists, but the analytical side of me wants to figure out this challenge for myself. It sucks, I know. But maybe for now, write down all that you're thinking, watch a movie, play some video games, and take time to yourself, to enjoy, to be happy. And set your phone's wallpaper to "Life is good. Be happy." (I emailed you the wallpaper). It's just one of those life hacks when you wake up, when you retreat from the world, and decline to answer someone's phone-call, you see your wallpaper, and it rewires your brain into associating certain actions with a positive mood. Know that the change won't come overnight, and know that your actions affect everyone around you. I started looking outward and praying for others, when that put less focus on me, less stress on my startup, and less stress on relationships. Sorry for the rambling. Remember the power to bring change to the world is in any one person's hands - it could be yours - you can see it as a burden or an opportunity - take care of yourself and be easy.
I feel for you. I've been battling depression every single day for the last 14 years. And most people don't realize this when they see me as the happiness guy in the room. But the analytical-startup-side of me has kept a log of every day, of what works and what doesn't work to change my behavior and mood. Here's what I've found and I hope this helps:
When I'm happy:
- It's when I've written up some code, and feel accomplished
- I've had realistic expectations (of when I finish a project, what I expect from social gatherings, etc)
- I'm not so stressed (and this comes from sleeping on time, doing things in moderation)
When I'm close to being suicidal:
- I have high stress levels
- My plans are not working out as expected (read unrealistic expectations)
- There has been no balance of work/play (say I oversleep, read HN all day and feel unaccomplished)
What to take away from this:
It comes down to stress and expectations. Sleeping early (even though I'm a night owl, and produce great code at night) makes a difference. When you live in the suburbs and no one's there to talk to at night, it really does suck, when the whole town sleeps at 6am. I've gone through several therapists, but the analytical side of me wants to figure out this challenge for myself. It sucks, I know. But maybe for now, write down all that you're thinking, watch a movie, play some video games, and take time to yourself, to enjoy, to be happy. And set your phone's wallpaper to "Life is good. Be happy." (I emailed you the wallpaper). It's just one of those life hacks when you wake up, when you retreat from the world, and decline to answer someone's phone-call, you see your wallpaper, and it rewires your brain into associating certain actions with a positive mood. Know that the change won't come overnight, and know that your actions affect everyone around you. I started looking outward and praying for others, when that put less focus on me, less stress on my startup, and less stress on relationships. Sorry for the rambling. Remember the power to bring change to the world is in any one person's hands - it could be yours - you can see it as a burden or an opportunity - take care of yourself and be easy.