OP here, just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who posted. I tried to respond to everyone's comments/questions individually, but HN was saying I was posting too fast after posting just one comment.
In response to some questions/comments:
I have read George Leonard's "Mastery" and it is extraordinarily relevant in this case. I'm reassured to hear from everyone posting here that if I put in the work, I'll get to where I want to be (eventually).
Re code samples: this isn't my regular account, so I'm not really comfortable sharing in the context of this post. I wouldn't want potential employers and people I'm working with now to see that I'm having these kind of doubts.
I'll try to stop being so hard on myself, and stop comparing myself to others. My only competition is myself.
Anyhow, this community never ceases to amaze and inspire me. So, again, THANK YOU! I'll be coming here for inspiration when I need it.
I feel like my experience is naturally pushing me to what you describe. I've been trying to look at not being able to get a job from that perspective. I love programming, and have the business understanding like you mention, so maybe that's the play.
Certain people I've worked with keep telling me to apply, apply, apply to jobs. But I feel like the rejection/frustration/disappointment ("Oh, we love you! Buuut, you're not good enough at TDD yet.") just hampers my longterm efforts.
My resume is pretty well tweaked and has gotten positive feedback, so I don't think it's the problem. I think it's what you said: continuous learning and improvement. This last contract I was on kind of set me back skill-wise (but helped in some other, more meta areas), so I need to be really be conscious of making some commits for my own projects every day. Thank you for the encouragement, and great points!
This was the path I've tried to take from the beginning ("think of a small project and build it"), and have stuck to it for stretches. However, the last contract stint I did kind of put me off that track, and I think my skills regressed a bit while I was there - I was just banging scripts together basically.
I'm about to start working with a mentor who's far more experienced than me, and who can chat a few times a month around what I'm doing right, wrong, etc.
I'm currently helping out a startup, but for very little money. The experience has been helpful for sure, but I'm not sure it's getting me closer to someone who can handle a feature/application whole hog, start to finish.
Funny you mention the Navy, I was very close to enrolling in officer candidate school about 5 years ago, but couldn't for medical reasons.
You're probably right about focusing on a couple of specific positions/companies. Again, it's something I've thought about and done before, but I guess the panic of not having a job has thrown me off of plan occasionally.
Responding to Joseph's comment here since I can't reply directly for some reason. Re Dev Bootcamps: I applied to and interviewed with a bunch of them about 6 months ago.
Didn't even hear back from gSchool. Didn't get into App Academy (it was almost as if you already needed to know how to code to get in). Didn't get into Hacker School. Couldn't move to SF for Hack Reactor.
At this point, I'm not sure I'm willing to put up the majority of my remaining savings when I'm not even sure I'm fit to be a developer.
Great points. I've got no problem with practicing stuff I don't understand (that's pretty fun usually).
If they say something should take X hours or less though, and I'd take at least double that, it worries me. Maybe the job is just beyond my skill level right now, I'm not sure.
In response to some questions/comments:
I have read George Leonard's "Mastery" and it is extraordinarily relevant in this case. I'm reassured to hear from everyone posting here that if I put in the work, I'll get to where I want to be (eventually).
Re code samples: this isn't my regular account, so I'm not really comfortable sharing in the context of this post. I wouldn't want potential employers and people I'm working with now to see that I'm having these kind of doubts.
I'll try to stop being so hard on myself, and stop comparing myself to others. My only competition is myself.
Anyhow, this community never ceases to amaze and inspire me. So, again, THANK YOU! I'll be coming here for inspiration when I need it.