Ask HN: How to Survive when Life is in Pieces?
8 comments
I have a similar situation.
2 years ago I worked in Poland, and my backbone let me down, I can’t physically work anymore, I came home (I live in Ukraine), I was left without work, I’m sitting within 4 walls without leaving my house, realizing that there is no future - news you you know, we are at war,
this is all driving me into a terrible depression, besides, I am now using an old laptop that howls in the heat, and I have to live on $150 a month, half of which is payment for housing, what can I do then? I know. I don’t have money for therapy, and they didn’t teach us to go to therapists here; you do everything yourself from birth without the help of others.
people are gloating and angry, because there is a total lack of money. What saves me? hobby!
When I found out that a refugee I know abroad started a free project - I started making templates for websites (I love HTML4 and even 3.2 that would work under DOS), and over the last 3 months I have made more than 60.
Depression is in the blood of Ukrainians, hopelessness, I've always had this. If not for this, would I go abroad to work? No! many are lucky to be born in countries where they pay for work and do not need to leave. I worked abroad for 15 years, moving home, my son hardly remembered me, I divorced my wife in my 10th year because she slept with another man.
During the coronavirus period (this was before the war), I sent all the money I had home because my mother got sick with breast cancer, all my savings went towards surgery. I no longer have close people except her. that's how we live. You're not the only one. brace yourself.
this is all driving me into a terrible depression, besides, I am now using an old laptop that howls in the heat, and I have to live on $150 a month, half of which is payment for housing, what can I do then? I know. I don’t have money for therapy, and they didn’t teach us to go to therapists here; you do everything yourself from birth without the help of others.
people are gloating and angry, because there is a total lack of money. What saves me? hobby!
When I found out that a refugee I know abroad started a free project - I started making templates for websites (I love HTML4 and even 3.2 that would work under DOS), and over the last 3 months I have made more than 60.
Depression is in the blood of Ukrainians, hopelessness, I've always had this. If not for this, would I go abroad to work? No! many are lucky to be born in countries where they pay for work and do not need to leave. I worked abroad for 15 years, moving home, my son hardly remembered me, I divorced my wife in my 10th year because she slept with another man.
During the coronavirus period (this was before the war), I sent all the money I had home because my mother got sick with breast cancer, all my savings went towards surgery. I no longer have close people except her. that's how we live. You're not the only one. brace yourself.
I just want to say that I’ve been super impressed with the work of Ukrainians, especially in software. Most people are familiar with JetBrains but I also worked with ThingsBoard and was the primary point of contact at my company interfacing with their Ukrainian Kyiv-based technical team. They were wonderful to work with and completed all our requests to a high quality, quickly, with excellent communication.
Even in the beginning and middle of the war! Which felt absolutely insane to me - on one hand I was glad my company could support a Ukrainian business and provides families with income at the time, but on the other hand I always felt awful asking them to do things in the midst of a much larger emergency.
Regardless, I have a deep respect for the professional ability of Ukrainian software developers.
Even in the beginning and middle of the war! Which felt absolutely insane to me - on one hand I was glad my company could support a Ukrainian business and provides families with income at the time, but on the other hand I always felt awful asking them to do things in the midst of a much larger emergency.
Regardless, I have a deep respect for the professional ability of Ukrainian software developers.
yes, there are a lot of smart people here. Do you know CMS Magento? their office is located in my city.
I am grateful that our specialists are valued abroad, although politicians did everything to prevent them from going abroad. You can only work at home as an outsourcer, but through a company, you cannot go out and get a job like a normal person because your diploma is not subject to accreditation, the domestic market does not have any orders, even government orders are now carried out by some Indian company. our IT is being drowned in a swamp. it's horrible
Im struggling with depression too, homesick for 1 year. Can’t go anywhere cause of panic attacks, no health insurance, no money. No jobs because I live in the Balkans. I develop software but can’t sell it. I’m thinking of buying some chickens and start selling eggs.
it's a dangerous thing to compare myself to Chester Bennington...I mean he had demons but he also had friends, a band, a family, kids, money.... I've got kids but that's the only thing. I'm trying to build more anchors to give meaning to life but it's hard.
People with friends, relationships, families and kids will recover more easily. The rest of us, we’re doomed. The more you enjoy little things, the better for your mental health. Laughing helps, I used to laugh every day about silly things, now I find everything dumb or pathetic.
Ouch, feels bad man. Do you have anyone you can reach out to? Friends/family/church family, Support networks are super important for times like this.
Not really, TBH my two biggest hits beside grief cycle, is dread when I can't make rent and loneliness. I mean I have my boys and see them but that's different than like having adult friends you can confide in. I'm a bit of a loner so all my friends are my ex wife's first....
Loneliness, grief, job anxiety, housing insecurity are all pushing my mental health to the edge.
Loneliness, grief, job anxiety, housing insecurity are all pushing my mental health to the edge.
I also am in Utah. I swear there is something going on in this state. I have been on unemployment for 3 months. I've put out like 400 applications and had 1 interview that hasn't called back. I've had the idea to start building some really simple saas shit for small companies, but I haven't put fingers to keyboard yet anyway...
totally... I've even started applying for junior dev jobs and even hosting support, I also applied to do search engine evaluating for 14 an hour just to pay the bills.... it's harsh right now.
Most people who end up in this extreme predicament are not because of luck. It's because of a series of bad decisions. Often if it's too extreme, it's because the person cannot make the best decision due to some mental health issues. So I would seek help there if you are able to get on your feet.
I'm on that.. sort of.. I'm going to therapy. I just started though, and they are booked a bit, next appt is in 3 weeks.
I've had severe depression/anxiety combined with ADHD and (self-diagnosed autism), and my therapist says my brain overthinks and goes way too fast. Whatever that means.
I've had severe depression/anxiety combined with ADHD and (self-diagnosed autism), and my therapist says my brain overthinks and goes way too fast. Whatever that means.
Maybe betterhelp.com or something else online could get you an appointment sooner. Haven't tried it myself but I'd be surprised if it took three weeks to get an appointment there. Although maybe you want a meeting with your therapist who knows you better; just offering another option.
I'm on Medicaid at the moment. I gotta go with the free option. Maybe later when doordash and Uber eats builds up my bank account.
It is very sad what going on to you. I am not in the US, nor coding need for now. But I wish you to rebounce and find a new stability. Good luck !!!
If you're moved to help, the OP has a GoFundMe here:
https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-patricks-fight-for-stabil...
https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-patricks-fight-for-stabil...
Wow thanks for sharing I met my goal, now the only issue is I don't have rent today because GoFundMe isn't instant. if anyone can cash app $75 to $pwcurl. that's all I need for 1 day of rent at the extended stay.
I'm blown away I met my goal before waking up. I was trying to figure where it all came from but I'm guessing this post.
I'm blown away I met my goal before waking up. I was trying to figure where it all came from but I'm guessing this post.
What part of Utah are you in? Anywhere near Salt Lake City?
According to his GitHub profile, he's from Cedar City. Shout-out to my fellow Utahns!
yeah, I'm in cedar City. planning on moving to St George when I can. More for social life and more rentals and lower rent. I also don't like cold weather.
I'm reposting this from Ryans01 on Reddit. I often refer to this post. Hold in there. My only suggestion is to break it all down into a list: your burn rate, your admin tasks, etc. It's insanely overwhelming, but you can only eat an elephant one bite at a time.
"Ouch. Sounds like you're having a tough time max. That sucks. I've been there, so I kinda know what you're talking about. I've been in the ever circling vortex of self doubt, frustration, and loathing. It's no bueno. I know. If you don't mind lemme tell you a couple things. You can read em if you want, read em again later if you feel like it. But honestly man, if I spend all this time typing this out to you and you don't let it be a little tinder for your fire, well, you're just letting us both down. And you don't HAVE to do that. You don't HAVE to do anything. But you get to choose.
(Who am I? My name’s Ryan and I live in Canada. Just moved to a new city for a dream job that I got because of the rules below. I owe a lot of my success to people much cooler, kinder, more loving and greater than me. When I get the chance to maybe let a little bit of help out, it’s a way of thanking them. )
Rule numero uno - There are no more zero days. What's a zero day? A zero day is when you don't do a single fucking thing towards whatever dream or goal or want or whatever that you got going on. No more zeros. I'm not saying you gotta bust an essay out everyday, that's not the point. The point I'm trying to make is that you have to make yourself, promise yourself, that the new SYSTEM you live in is a NON-ZERO system. Didnt' do anything all fucking day and it's 11:58 PM? Write one sentence. One pushup. Read one page of that chapter. One. Because one is non zero. You feel me? When you're in the super vortex of being bummed your pattern of behaviour is keeping the vortex goin, that's what you're used to. Turning into productivity ultimate master of the universe doesn't happen from the vortex. It happens from a massive string of CONSISTENT NON ZEROS. That's rule number one. Do not forget.
La deuxieme regle - yeah i learnt french. its a canadian thing. please excuse the lack of accent graves, but lemme get into rule number 2. BE GRATEFUL TO THE 3 YOU'S. Uh what? 3 me's? That sounds like mumbo jumbo bullshit. News flash, there are three you's homeslice. There's the past you, the present you, and the future you. If you wanna love someone and have someone love you back, you gotta learn to love yourself, and the 3 you's are the key. Be GRATEFUL to the past you for the positive things you've done. And do favours for the future you like you would for your best bro. Feeling like shit today? Stop a second, think of a good decision you made yesterday. Salad and tuna instead of Big Mac? THANK YOU YOUNGER ME. Was yesterday a nonzero day because you wrote 200 words (hey, that's all you could muster)? THANK YOU YOUNGER ME. Saved up some coin over time to buy that sweet thing you wanted? THANK YOU. Second part of the 3 me's is you gotta do your future self a favour, just like you would for your best fucking friend (no best friend? you do now. You got 2. It's future and past you). Tired as hell and can't get off reddit/videogames/interwebs? fuck you present self, this one's for future me, i'm gonna rock out p90x Ab Ripper X for 17 minutes. I'm doing this one for future me. Alarm clock goes off and bed is too comfy? fuck you present self, this one's for my best friend, the future me. I'm up and going for a 5 km run (or 25 meter run, it's gotta be non zero). MAKE SURE YOU THANK YOUR OLD SELF for rocking out at the end of every.single.thing. that makes your life better. The cycle of doing something for someone else (future you) and thanking someone for the good in your life (past you) is key to building gratitude and productivity. Do not doubt me. Over time you should spread the gratitude to others who help you on your path.
Rule number 3- don't worry i'm gonna too long didnt' read this bad boy at the bottom (get a pencil and piece of paper to write it down. seriously. you physically need to scratch marks on paper) FORGIVE YOURSELF. I mean it. Maybe you got all the know-how, money, ability, strength and talent to do whatever is you wanna do. But lets say you still didn't do it. Now you're giving yourself shit for not doing what you need to, to be who you want to. Heads up champion, being dissapointed in yourself causes you to be less productive. Tried your best to have a nonzero day yesterday and it failed? so what. I forgive you previous self. I forgive you. But today? Today is a nonzero masterpiece to the best of my ability for future self. This one's for you future homes. Forgiveness man, use it. I forgive you. Say it out loud.
Last rule. Rule number 4, is the easiest and its three words. exercise and books. that's it. Pretty standard advice but when you exercise daily you actually get smarter. when you exercise you get high from endorphins (thanks body). when you exercise you clear your mind. when you exercise you are doing your future self a huge favour. Exercise is a leg on a three legged stool. Feel me? As for books, almost every fucking thing we've all ever thought of, or felt, or gone through, or wanted, or wanted to know how to do, or whatever, has been figured out by someone else. Get some books max. Post to reddit about not caring about yourself? Good first step! (nonzero day, thanks younger me for typing it out) You know what else you could do? Read 7 habits of highly successful people. Read "emotional intelligence". Read "From good to great". Read “thinking fast and slow”. Read books that will help you understand. Read the bodyweight fitness reddit and incorporate it into your workouts. (how's them pullups coming?) Reading is the fucking warp whistle from Super Mario 3. It gets you to the next level that much faster. That’s about it man. There’s so much more when it comes to how to turn nonzero days into hugely nonzero days, but that’s not your mission right now. Your mission is nonzero and forgiveness and favours. You got 36 essays due in 24 minutes and its impossible to pull off? Your past self let you down big time, but hey… I forgive you. Do as much as you can in those 24 minutes and then move on.
I hope I helped a little bit max. I could write about this forever, but I promised myself I would go do a 15 minute run while listening to A. Skillz Beats Working Vol. 3. Gotta jet. One last piece of advice though. Regardless of whether or not reading this for the first time helps make your day better, if you wake up tomorrow, and you can’t remember the 4 rules I just laid out, please, please. Read this again. Have an awesome fucking day
tldr; 1. Nonzero days as much as you can. 2. The three you’s, gratitude and favours. 3. Forgiveness 4. Exercise and books (which is a sneaky way of saying self improvement, both physical, emotional and mental)
Edit: Wow reddit gold? Thanks! No idea what to do with it or whats the deal but many thanks!
Edit2: Someone asked what I meant by "much more when it comes to how to turn nonzero days into hugely nonzero days". The long and short of it is a simple truth, but it's tough to TOTALLY UNDERSTAND AND PRACTICE. It's this: you become what you think. This doesnt mean if I think of a tree, I'll be oakin' it by august. It means that the WAY you think, the THINGS you think of, and the IDEAS YOU HOLD IN YOUR MIND defines the sum total that is you. You procrastinate all the time and got fear and worry goin on for something? You are becoming a procrastinator. You keep thinking about how much you want to run that 5 k race in the spring and finish a champion? Are ya keeping it in mind all the time? Is it something that is defining your ACTIONS and influencing you DECISIONS? If it is, then you're becoming the champion you're dreaming about. Dreaming about it makes it. Think and it shall be. But do not forget that action is thought's son. Thoughts without actions are nothing. Have faith in whatever it is you've steeled your mind to. Have faith and follow through with action.
Ok, Ryan that's a bunch of nice words n shit, but how does that help me turn slightly nonzero days into hugely nonzero days. Do you believe all these words you just read? Does it makes sense to you that you BECOME WHAT YOU THINK OF? Ask yourself: What do I think of? When you get home and walk in the door. (how quickly did you turn that laptop on? Did turning it on make you closer to your dreams? What would?) At the bus stop. Lunch break. What direction are you focusing your intentions on? If you're like I was a few years ago, the answer was either No direction, or whatever caught my eye at the moment. But no stress, forgive yourself. You know the truth now. And knowing the truth means you can watch your habits, read books on how you think and act, and finally start changing your behaviour. Heres an example: Feeling like bunk cause you had zero days or barely nonzero days? THINK ABOUT WHAT YOURE DOING. and change just a little bit more. in whatever positive direction you are choosing to go."
"Ouch. Sounds like you're having a tough time max. That sucks. I've been there, so I kinda know what you're talking about. I've been in the ever circling vortex of self doubt, frustration, and loathing. It's no bueno. I know. If you don't mind lemme tell you a couple things. You can read em if you want, read em again later if you feel like it. But honestly man, if I spend all this time typing this out to you and you don't let it be a little tinder for your fire, well, you're just letting us both down. And you don't HAVE to do that. You don't HAVE to do anything. But you get to choose.
(Who am I? My name’s Ryan and I live in Canada. Just moved to a new city for a dream job that I got because of the rules below. I owe a lot of my success to people much cooler, kinder, more loving and greater than me. When I get the chance to maybe let a little bit of help out, it’s a way of thanking them. )
Rule numero uno - There are no more zero days. What's a zero day? A zero day is when you don't do a single fucking thing towards whatever dream or goal or want or whatever that you got going on. No more zeros. I'm not saying you gotta bust an essay out everyday, that's not the point. The point I'm trying to make is that you have to make yourself, promise yourself, that the new SYSTEM you live in is a NON-ZERO system. Didnt' do anything all fucking day and it's 11:58 PM? Write one sentence. One pushup. Read one page of that chapter. One. Because one is non zero. You feel me? When you're in the super vortex of being bummed your pattern of behaviour is keeping the vortex goin, that's what you're used to. Turning into productivity ultimate master of the universe doesn't happen from the vortex. It happens from a massive string of CONSISTENT NON ZEROS. That's rule number one. Do not forget.
La deuxieme regle - yeah i learnt french. its a canadian thing. please excuse the lack of accent graves, but lemme get into rule number 2. BE GRATEFUL TO THE 3 YOU'S. Uh what? 3 me's? That sounds like mumbo jumbo bullshit. News flash, there are three you's homeslice. There's the past you, the present you, and the future you. If you wanna love someone and have someone love you back, you gotta learn to love yourself, and the 3 you's are the key. Be GRATEFUL to the past you for the positive things you've done. And do favours for the future you like you would for your best bro. Feeling like shit today? Stop a second, think of a good decision you made yesterday. Salad and tuna instead of Big Mac? THANK YOU YOUNGER ME. Was yesterday a nonzero day because you wrote 200 words (hey, that's all you could muster)? THANK YOU YOUNGER ME. Saved up some coin over time to buy that sweet thing you wanted? THANK YOU. Second part of the 3 me's is you gotta do your future self a favour, just like you would for your best fucking friend (no best friend? you do now. You got 2. It's future and past you). Tired as hell and can't get off reddit/videogames/interwebs? fuck you present self, this one's for future me, i'm gonna rock out p90x Ab Ripper X for 17 minutes. I'm doing this one for future me. Alarm clock goes off and bed is too comfy? fuck you present self, this one's for my best friend, the future me. I'm up and going for a 5 km run (or 25 meter run, it's gotta be non zero). MAKE SURE YOU THANK YOUR OLD SELF for rocking out at the end of every.single.thing. that makes your life better. The cycle of doing something for someone else (future you) and thanking someone for the good in your life (past you) is key to building gratitude and productivity. Do not doubt me. Over time you should spread the gratitude to others who help you on your path.
Rule number 3- don't worry i'm gonna too long didnt' read this bad boy at the bottom (get a pencil and piece of paper to write it down. seriously. you physically need to scratch marks on paper) FORGIVE YOURSELF. I mean it. Maybe you got all the know-how, money, ability, strength and talent to do whatever is you wanna do. But lets say you still didn't do it. Now you're giving yourself shit for not doing what you need to, to be who you want to. Heads up champion, being dissapointed in yourself causes you to be less productive. Tried your best to have a nonzero day yesterday and it failed? so what. I forgive you previous self. I forgive you. But today? Today is a nonzero masterpiece to the best of my ability for future self. This one's for you future homes. Forgiveness man, use it. I forgive you. Say it out loud.
Last rule. Rule number 4, is the easiest and its three words. exercise and books. that's it. Pretty standard advice but when you exercise daily you actually get smarter. when you exercise you get high from endorphins (thanks body). when you exercise you clear your mind. when you exercise you are doing your future self a huge favour. Exercise is a leg on a three legged stool. Feel me? As for books, almost every fucking thing we've all ever thought of, or felt, or gone through, or wanted, or wanted to know how to do, or whatever, has been figured out by someone else. Get some books max. Post to reddit about not caring about yourself? Good first step! (nonzero day, thanks younger me for typing it out) You know what else you could do? Read 7 habits of highly successful people. Read "emotional intelligence". Read "From good to great". Read “thinking fast and slow”. Read books that will help you understand. Read the bodyweight fitness reddit and incorporate it into your workouts. (how's them pullups coming?) Reading is the fucking warp whistle from Super Mario 3. It gets you to the next level that much faster. That’s about it man. There’s so much more when it comes to how to turn nonzero days into hugely nonzero days, but that’s not your mission right now. Your mission is nonzero and forgiveness and favours. You got 36 essays due in 24 minutes and its impossible to pull off? Your past self let you down big time, but hey… I forgive you. Do as much as you can in those 24 minutes and then move on.
I hope I helped a little bit max. I could write about this forever, but I promised myself I would go do a 15 minute run while listening to A. Skillz Beats Working Vol. 3. Gotta jet. One last piece of advice though. Regardless of whether or not reading this for the first time helps make your day better, if you wake up tomorrow, and you can’t remember the 4 rules I just laid out, please, please. Read this again. Have an awesome fucking day
tldr; 1. Nonzero days as much as you can. 2. The three you’s, gratitude and favours. 3. Forgiveness 4. Exercise and books (which is a sneaky way of saying self improvement, both physical, emotional and mental)
Edit: Wow reddit gold? Thanks! No idea what to do with it or whats the deal but many thanks!
Edit2: Someone asked what I meant by "much more when it comes to how to turn nonzero days into hugely nonzero days". The long and short of it is a simple truth, but it's tough to TOTALLY UNDERSTAND AND PRACTICE. It's this: you become what you think. This doesnt mean if I think of a tree, I'll be oakin' it by august. It means that the WAY you think, the THINGS you think of, and the IDEAS YOU HOLD IN YOUR MIND defines the sum total that is you. You procrastinate all the time and got fear and worry goin on for something? You are becoming a procrastinator. You keep thinking about how much you want to run that 5 k race in the spring and finish a champion? Are ya keeping it in mind all the time? Is it something that is defining your ACTIONS and influencing you DECISIONS? If it is, then you're becoming the champion you're dreaming about. Dreaming about it makes it. Think and it shall be. But do not forget that action is thought's son. Thoughts without actions are nothing. Have faith in whatever it is you've steeled your mind to. Have faith and follow through with action.
Ok, Ryan that's a bunch of nice words n shit, but how does that help me turn slightly nonzero days into hugely nonzero days. Do you believe all these words you just read? Does it makes sense to you that you BECOME WHAT YOU THINK OF? Ask yourself: What do I think of? When you get home and walk in the door. (how quickly did you turn that laptop on? Did turning it on make you closer to your dreams? What would?) At the bus stop. Lunch break. What direction are you focusing your intentions on? If you're like I was a few years ago, the answer was either No direction, or whatever caught my eye at the moment. But no stress, forgive yourself. You know the truth now. And knowing the truth means you can watch your habits, read books on how you think and act, and finally start changing your behaviour. Heres an example: Feeling like bunk cause you had zero days or barely nonzero days? THINK ABOUT WHAT YOURE DOING. and change just a little bit more. in whatever positive direction you are choosing to go."
I separated from my wife of 18 years in March, my mom died the same month, got divorced this month, my grandma died a few days ago.
I've had a ton of anxiety, depression, and executive dysfunction...and I feel like I just need a win. I can program, I can do a ton of things, I just can't seem to land a client.
Lately, I've been doing uber eats / doordash to stay afloat and my car died.
I'm going to be homeless, without even a car tomorrow, and I'm clueless about what options I even have anymore.
I just need a loan for a rental car, and I could get back on my feet. I've only been doing delivery gigs like 4 days, and it looks like I could definitely cover my bills, child support, and alimony on it, plus the cost of the rental car per week, if I could just make it one full week.
I'm always finding myself falling to this spot, where I'm make it or break it. I can't live on the street, I don't think I survive that. I have no network of friends, or loved ones I'm close to. Literally the only person I talk with lately is my therapist.
I'm in Utah, if that helps..I could use any advice on finding like some agency or something that might help or something. My email's in my profile if you want to reach out...
My rent is $70 per night, I need $400 on credit card (need to pay off my secured card) for the rental (deposit plus fees). I charge $70 per hour for coding, but I can't find clients lately, and I'm out of time. This is so frustrating.
Anyone else finding times are tough lately? Is it all the tech layoffs?