[untitled]
6 comments
This page is 70% marketing, 20% content unrelated to the title, and 10% a single paragraph actually related to the title.
Let me take this perfect opportunity to shamelessly link my post which actually talks about the topic https://leadership.garden/active-listening-boosts-careers/
The article doesn't seem to contain anything about listening with empathy.
Self-promotion with virtually zero content.
Yes, but you know how we are. We can talk for hours about a juicy title without ever actually reading the article.
Not because we are lazy and don't read (I mean that does happen too, and I'm as guilty as anyone, but not just that), but because we all have itches that need scratching and all it takes is for someone to bring up a topic and we unload that pent up energy.
DevEx I think in some ways tries to address issues of empathy and that's a phrase I've been waiting for someone to coin (combination of saying it and enough people hearing it, the former I can do, the latter not so much) since about 10 years ago.
Not because we are lazy and don't read (I mean that does happen too, and I'm as guilty as anyone, but not just that), but because we all have itches that need scratching and all it takes is for someone to bring up a topic and we unload that pent up energy.
DevEx I think in some ways tries to address issues of empathy and that's a phrase I've been waiting for someone to coin (combination of saying it and enough people hearing it, the former I can do, the latter not so much) since about 10 years ago.
I agree strongly with the author, and wish they had given us a lot more on this topic. With that in mind I'm going to expand on this with a very powerful easy-to-understand example.
Empathy is very high value. Understanding others is a big part of that, and understanding how it can be applied is worth even more!
Why?
Empathy can help us understand intent and the impact of personal judgement, for a simple, but I feel very powerful example:
Say we encounter a racist. For purposes of discussion, they are good people in the basic ways we associate the idea of good people to others. But, there it is. Racist.
The magic of empathy happens in the second and third order outcomes of a given interaction.
There are two basic ways to approach the racist. And to be clear, more is possible, but I want to explore those second and third order potential outcomes, OK?
FIRST WAY
The common way is to declare they are a racist and add on whatever negative reinforcement tools on may have at hand. Say these example people are not strangers, maybe work in similar roles.
NR = Not Racist
R = Racist
NR "You are a racist!"
First Order:
Here we have a declaration of intent, the NR has judged the R and has made them the topic of further conversation, and has put them on the defense.
The R has very little room to work their side of this interaction.
Second Order:
The Racist will likely judge the NR, realize they are likely to share that info making worse withing their circle of peers. They may feel compelled to deny, or maybe full on own it too.
R "Yeah, so what?"
R "No I am not, you don't know..."
Doors normally open for resolution are slammed shut hard. Life impact could be severe, someone gets fired, shunned, and the mess could spread and quickly.
Third Order:
Having been judged severely, getting past all this requires a significant personal exposure. R needs to own it, change behavior and invest considerably on efforts to prove out new behavior, personal improvement.
Results on all that will be mixed depending on what level of understanding actually happens.
This is going on all the time, and we see increasingly profound angst, division, inability to communicate, work together, escalations...
R may harbor little hope of coming back from or getting past all that and may dig in and seek other people, and settle in believing it is all futile.
They remain a racist, or if in error, being branded on, may just not care.
The net harmony, happiness and positives in the world are not improved, save for a few amazing stories about how bad people worked so damn hard to be good people!
SECOND WAY
Now, we try it this way: (a much better, empathetic way)
NR "Dude, that comes off as racist to most people."
Or maybe:
NR "That seems racist to me, did you mean it that way, or what is wrong, what happened?"
First Order:
NR did not judge R. They spoke to their actions, not who they are. They also questioned intent rather than just infer it. The presumption we are all good people trying to amplify the good, or at the least, not add to the bad is there, intact.
What R did is the topic of conversation, not who they are.
Far more doors to get past this and or understand one another remain open.
The big difference is the R does not need to affirm a strong, toxic negative personal judgement to improve or explain.
R "Really! Shit, that is not what I meant at all! What can I do?"
Second order:
That presumption of us all being good people is intact. Many more options and those moving toward positive are all on the table.
R "Hey I'm sorry, that was not my intent, and I appreciate you." Variations on that get said to those who need it or want it, and deescalation happens, as does conflict resolution.
There could be humor too. Ar the least it is a story that has a good ending potential, bonding among friends and peers clean happen, and a whole lot of bad or negative did not get amplified, but good intent did get played out and amplified.
Third order:
Maybe R is racist! Maybe they did not even realize it!
They can do the work to improve and do not also have to power through the heavy burdens associated with strong personal judgement and can seek help with more confidence and less personal angst.
The net harmony, good in the world is improved and the power of empathy, how to handle difficult situations does too. The R and others can see and understand what NR did, the consideration, empathy, and employ it in their lives.
Empathy is very high value. Understanding others is a big part of that, and understanding how it can be applied is worth even more!
Why?
Empathy can help us understand intent and the impact of personal judgement, for a simple, but I feel very powerful example:
Say we encounter a racist. For purposes of discussion, they are good people in the basic ways we associate the idea of good people to others. But, there it is. Racist.
The magic of empathy happens in the second and third order outcomes of a given interaction.
There are two basic ways to approach the racist. And to be clear, more is possible, but I want to explore those second and third order potential outcomes, OK?
FIRST WAY
The common way is to declare they are a racist and add on whatever negative reinforcement tools on may have at hand. Say these example people are not strangers, maybe work in similar roles.
NR = Not Racist
R = Racist
NR "You are a racist!"
First Order:
Here we have a declaration of intent, the NR has judged the R and has made them the topic of further conversation, and has put them on the defense.
The R has very little room to work their side of this interaction.
Second Order:
The Racist will likely judge the NR, realize they are likely to share that info making worse withing their circle of peers. They may feel compelled to deny, or maybe full on own it too.
R "Yeah, so what?"
R "No I am not, you don't know..."
Doors normally open for resolution are slammed shut hard. Life impact could be severe, someone gets fired, shunned, and the mess could spread and quickly.
Third Order:
Having been judged severely, getting past all this requires a significant personal exposure. R needs to own it, change behavior and invest considerably on efforts to prove out new behavior, personal improvement.
Results on all that will be mixed depending on what level of understanding actually happens.
This is going on all the time, and we see increasingly profound angst, division, inability to communicate, work together, escalations...
R may harbor little hope of coming back from or getting past all that and may dig in and seek other people, and settle in believing it is all futile.
They remain a racist, or if in error, being branded on, may just not care.
The net harmony, happiness and positives in the world are not improved, save for a few amazing stories about how bad people worked so damn hard to be good people!
SECOND WAY
Now, we try it this way: (a much better, empathetic way)
NR "Dude, that comes off as racist to most people."
Or maybe:
NR "That seems racist to me, did you mean it that way, or what is wrong, what happened?"
First Order:
NR did not judge R. They spoke to their actions, not who they are. They also questioned intent rather than just infer it. The presumption we are all good people trying to amplify the good, or at the least, not add to the bad is there, intact.
What R did is the topic of conversation, not who they are.
Far more doors to get past this and or understand one another remain open.
The big difference is the R does not need to affirm a strong, toxic negative personal judgement to improve or explain.
R "Really! Shit, that is not what I meant at all! What can I do?"
Second order:
That presumption of us all being good people is intact. Many more options and those moving toward positive are all on the table.
R "Hey I'm sorry, that was not my intent, and I appreciate you." Variations on that get said to those who need it or want it, and deescalation happens, as does conflict resolution.
There could be humor too. Ar the least it is a story that has a good ending potential, bonding among friends and peers clean happen, and a whole lot of bad or negative did not get amplified, but good intent did get played out and amplified.
Third order:
Maybe R is racist! Maybe they did not even realize it!
They can do the work to improve and do not also have to power through the heavy burdens associated with strong personal judgement and can seek help with more confidence and less personal angst.
The net harmony, good in the world is improved and the power of empathy, how to handle difficult situations does too. The R and others can see and understand what NR did, the consideration, empathy, and employ it in their lives.