Ask HN: How to become friendly, communicative and talkative?
Hi, I'm a developer but i'm not so friendly, communicative, talkative (in fact i'm real lousy at that) if I improve these areas I would benefit so much. Anyone has tips/books/psycho/tricks that can help me be a very friendly, talkative, communicative, funny developer?
7 comments
Alcohol, ecstasy and cocaine might be of help: only in terms of a mind-state reference point.
People that have had cocaine try and remember what it's like to be in that cocky and confident state and relive it. Also the memories of being drunk: if you can trick your mind into behaving tipsy or loose. Or the openness of ecstasy.
If only you could put yourself in these states without actually needing those substances. (btw, I am not suggesting you dabble in drugs at all)
People that have had cocaine try and remember what it's like to be in that cocky and confident state and relive it. Also the memories of being drunk: if you can trick your mind into behaving tipsy or loose. Or the openness of ecstasy.
If only you could put yourself in these states without actually needing those substances. (btw, I am not suggesting you dabble in drugs at all)
Drugs might work for the very short term but in the long term
not so. Try Toastmasters. Not only will you learn how to speak in public but meet everyone else who is in the same boat.
I 100% agree, however, also get the audio CD or mp3 http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0671579592/ref=dp_proddesc_... (not an affiliate link)
Listen to the book all the way through at least once a month for at least a year. I go for a hike or bike ride on Saturday mornings and often I listen to this book.
The book is like an onion, you have to read it (or listen to it) multiple times, pulling back the layers, more and more, to really get the most out of it.
If you read it after not looking at it in a long time, you will probably slap yourself on the forehead a few times for all the negative social interactions you have been participating in or causing.
Listen to the book all the way through at least once a month for at least a year. I go for a hike or bike ride on Saturday mornings and often I listen to this book.
The book is like an onion, you have to read it (or listen to it) multiple times, pulling back the layers, more and more, to really get the most out of it.
If you read it after not looking at it in a long time, you will probably slap yourself on the forehead a few times for all the negative social interactions you have been participating in or causing.
Hi read some reviews of this book in amazon and I saw this:
WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
? Don't argue! Give in! Agree that the other person is right; often they are and if they aren't, you'll never convince them of it by arguing.
and I ask what?! don't argue with people? that is exactly my problem, if i don't stand to my points and argue with people they won't respect me for having my own views! I don't think that is a good quality at all! people should be heard! what do you think?
WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
? Don't argue! Give in! Agree that the other person is right; often they are and if they aren't, you'll never convince them of it by arguing.
and I ask what?! don't argue with people? that is exactly my problem, if i don't stand to my points and argue with people they won't respect me for having my own views! I don't think that is a good quality at all! people should be heard! what do you think?
Its all about optimizing. Arguing with people is affective at times, but Dale's methods are effective much more often and to a greater degree.
It's like trying functional programming. At first it is counter intuitive and you maybe think it sucks. You think to your self this is the opposite of my goals. But quickly your realize "I love this, this is a much better way to live, people actually want to listen to me, I don't have to argue with them."
--------------------
The method is really about using risk to get a big pay off. (Hmm, its kind of like a start up).
-------------------
Here is an example:
James L. Thomas, a former student of mine: Six customers of a certain automobile company refused to pay their bills for servicing. None of the customers protested the entire bill, but each claimed that some one charge was wrong. In each case, the customer had signed for the work done, so the company knew it was right - and said so. That was the first mistake.
Here are the steps the men in the credit department took to collect these overdue bills. Do you suppose they succeeded?
1. They called on each customer and told him bluntly that they had come to collect a bill that was long past due.
2. They made it very plain that the company was absolutely and unconditionally right; therefore he, the customer, was absolutely and unconditionally wrong.
3. They intimated that they, the company, knew more about automobiles than he could ever hope to know. So what was the argument about?
4. Result: They argued. Did any of these methods reconcile the customer and settle the account? You can answer that one yourself.
At this stage of affairs, the credit manager was about to open fire with a battery of legal talent, when fortunately the matter came to the attention of the general manager. The manager investigated these defaulting clients and discovered that they all had the reputation of paying their bills promptly, Something was wrong here - something was drastically wrong about the method of collection. So he called in James L. Thomas and told him to collect these "uncollectible" accounts.
Here, in his words, are the steps Mr. Thrrmas took:<p> 1. My visit to each customer was likewise to collect a bill long past due - a bill that we knew was absolutely right. But I didn't say a word about that. I explained I had called to find out what it was the company had done, or failed to do.
2. I made it clear that, until I had heard the customer's story, I had no opinion to offer. I told him the company made no claims to being infallible.
3. I told him I was interested only in his car, and that he knew more about his car than anyone else in the world; that he was the authority on the subject.
4. I let him talk, and I listened to him with all the interest and sympathy that he wanted - and had expected.
5. Finally, when the customer was in a reasonable mood, I put the whole thing up to his sense of fair play. I appealed to the nobler motives. "First," I said, "I want you to know I also feel this matter has been badly mishandled. You've been inconvenienced and annoyed and irritated by one of our representatives. That should never have happened. I'm sorry and, as a representative of the company, I apologize. As I sat here and listened to your side of the story, I could not help being impressed by your fairness and patience. And now, because you are fair - minded and patient, I am going to ask you to do something for me. It's something that you can do better than anyone else, something you know more about than anyone else. Here is your bill; I know it is safe for me to ask you to adjust it, just as you would do if you were the president of my company. I am going to leave it all up to you. Whatever you say goes." [Risk]
Did he adjust the bill?
He certainly did, and got quite a kick out of it, The bills ranged from $150 to $400 - but did the customer give himself the best of it? Yes, one of them did! One of them refused to pay a penny of the disputed charge; but the other five all gave the company the best of it! And here's the cream of the whole thing: we delivered new cars to all six of these customers within the next two years!
[HUGE pay off for taking a risk]
"Experience has taught me," says Mr. Thomas, "that when no information can be secured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere, honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once convinced they are correct. To put it differently and perhaps mare clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The exceptions to that rule are comparatively few, and I am convinced that the individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair."
It's like trying functional programming. At first it is counter intuitive and you maybe think it sucks. You think to your self this is the opposite of my goals. But quickly your realize "I love this, this is a much better way to live, people actually want to listen to me, I don't have to argue with them."
--------------------
The method is really about using risk to get a big pay off. (Hmm, its kind of like a start up).
-------------------
Here is an example:
James L. Thomas, a former student of mine: Six customers of a certain automobile company refused to pay their bills for servicing. None of the customers protested the entire bill, but each claimed that some one charge was wrong. In each case, the customer had signed for the work done, so the company knew it was right - and said so. That was the first mistake.
Here are the steps the men in the credit department took to collect these overdue bills. Do you suppose they succeeded?
1. They called on each customer and told him bluntly that they had come to collect a bill that was long past due.
2. They made it very plain that the company was absolutely and unconditionally right; therefore he, the customer, was absolutely and unconditionally wrong.
3. They intimated that they, the company, knew more about automobiles than he could ever hope to know. So what was the argument about?
4. Result: They argued. Did any of these methods reconcile the customer and settle the account? You can answer that one yourself.
At this stage of affairs, the credit manager was about to open fire with a battery of legal talent, when fortunately the matter came to the attention of the general manager. The manager investigated these defaulting clients and discovered that they all had the reputation of paying their bills promptly, Something was wrong here - something was drastically wrong about the method of collection. So he called in James L. Thomas and told him to collect these "uncollectible" accounts.
Here, in his words, are the steps Mr. Thrrmas took:<p> 1. My visit to each customer was likewise to collect a bill long past due - a bill that we knew was absolutely right. But I didn't say a word about that. I explained I had called to find out what it was the company had done, or failed to do.
2. I made it clear that, until I had heard the customer's story, I had no opinion to offer. I told him the company made no claims to being infallible.
3. I told him I was interested only in his car, and that he knew more about his car than anyone else in the world; that he was the authority on the subject.
4. I let him talk, and I listened to him with all the interest and sympathy that he wanted - and had expected.
5. Finally, when the customer was in a reasonable mood, I put the whole thing up to his sense of fair play. I appealed to the nobler motives. "First," I said, "I want you to know I also feel this matter has been badly mishandled. You've been inconvenienced and annoyed and irritated by one of our representatives. That should never have happened. I'm sorry and, as a representative of the company, I apologize. As I sat here and listened to your side of the story, I could not help being impressed by your fairness and patience. And now, because you are fair - minded and patient, I am going to ask you to do something for me. It's something that you can do better than anyone else, something you know more about than anyone else. Here is your bill; I know it is safe for me to ask you to adjust it, just as you would do if you were the president of my company. I am going to leave it all up to you. Whatever you say goes." [Risk]
Did he adjust the bill?
He certainly did, and got quite a kick out of it, The bills ranged from $150 to $400 - but did the customer give himself the best of it? Yes, one of them did! One of them refused to pay a penny of the disputed charge; but the other five all gave the company the best of it! And here's the cream of the whole thing: we delivered new cars to all six of these customers within the next two years!
[HUGE pay off for taking a risk]
"Experience has taught me," says Mr. Thomas, "that when no information can be secured about the customer, the only sound basis on which to proceed is to assume that he or she is sincere, honest, truthful and willing and anxious to pay the charges, once convinced they are correct. To put it differently and perhaps mare clearly, people are honest and want to discharge their obligations. The exceptions to that rule are comparatively few, and I am convinced that the individuals who are inclined to chisel will in most cases react favorably if you make them feel that you consider them honest, upright and fair."
oops!, I just realize I didn't reference the book. The example from above is not mine. It is a direct Quote from the book: "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie
"A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while he knows something." Wilson Mizner
Friendly - practice smiling by thinking about something you enjoy.
Talkative - focus on asking good questions.
Communicative - consider who you are talking to and what they are asking for. Real communication isn't what's said, it's what is understood, so you need to ask questions to make sure you were understood.
Funny - "The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." Somerset Maugham (It works for me).
Friendly - practice smiling by thinking about something you enjoy.
Talkative - focus on asking good questions.
Communicative - consider who you are talking to and what they are asking for. Real communication isn't what's said, it's what is understood, so you need to ask questions to make sure you were understood.
Funny - "The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." Somerset Maugham (It works for me).
Look people in the eye when you're talking to them. This helps me focus on the conversation and not get distracted, and it also helps to convey to other people that I'm focusing on them.
Talkative:
* Make a question
* Hear the answer
* Repeat the answer with your own words
* Relate yourself with the answer: me too and... / not me, but I experienced something similar...
* Repeat
Lots of good ideas here. One thing, its probably easiest if you start with people with very similar interests (development or otherwise) so you know the topic well.
how about large groups? how do you start talking when you are in a large group? I find that very difficult.